BookRix

I love it please update and message me when you do its really good so far! :)

LOVE it! :)

I love how Red Riding Hood is a paid assassin:) Do you cover how she got into the game in the first place?

Also quick critique, you had mentioned she never questioned the boss as to why those people needed to be killed, then followed with, but I did question once and learned never to do it again. I'd suggest rephrasing that as it's pretty contradictory. Maybe say something like, Only once did I make the mistake of questioning the boss about the killings, never again.

Good stuff!

Great twist--I love modern day takes on fairy tales. Would have like a little more detail though, like how Red got into the game, and what happened that time she questioned her boss. Really enjoyed reading it though!

how do you make your covers? they are soooo cool! XP

I like it. I hope to find more in it soon, it is very invigorating and fast paced. But still a very good read.

I won't comment on the theme of your story, although I find a thirteen year old assassin to be rather unusual. It certainly is different and could be quite an interesting premise.

In order to help you clean up your story, I'd like to offer a few helpful hints, which will make it read better.

First, as previously mentioned, it is imperative that you break up your paragraphs so that there is a separation between the dialog of each person. We need to know exactly who is speaking.

There should also be a separation between the action as well. The way it is written in your book, the whole thing is one long paragraph. Make it easy for the reader to figure out what is going on, and who is saying what.

Be careful about your tenses. You slip into present tense once in a while, which spoils the flow of your writing.

Change "fracture of a second" to "fraction of a second."

Page 7 - you have used the word "arm" way too many times. Try and clean up these sentences:

"My arm shot out with my gun. My other arm held a flashlight. Arms out in front of me, one on top of each other. I swept the flashlight around, it seems as if I was in the living room."

That was very awkward to read. Perhaps this would be better:

"Holding my gun in one hand and a flashlight in the other, I shot my arms straight out, one on top of the other. Sweeping the flashlight around, it looked as if I were in the living room."

Page 9. "Complemented" should be "complimented."

Finally, please remember that when you use dialog, ALWAYS use a comma before writing "he said" or "he complimented," etc. I notice you start many new sentences with "He said," which is incorrect grammar.

Fix these small errors - go through it again and make nice clean paragraphs - make your tenses consistent - and you will have a very good short story.

Good luck. I enjoyed this.

And interesting piece... I'd like to see where this goes, though I hope it stays PG rated.

Good job :) You kept me wondering the whole time!

However, I do have some critiques:

Even speaking through a wireless device, I think it'd be correct for you to enter a new line every time a different character starts to speak. If you don't, you can confuse your reads at times and make them stop to figure out who is talking and who is listening. Yikes!

Also, be careful you don't use the same word twice in a row in two adjacent sentences, unless it is obviously on purpose(as in the reader knows that you're going to use that word again).

Here's an example:

"
I whispered to the chip hidden inside my hoddie. "Yeah. Ok." He replied through my ear chip.
"

In this instance, you don't need to tell your readers that the character is speaking into the ear piece the second time, as we've already figured that out. And when you repeat the word 'chip', it makes the sentences extremely redundant. If you took out "...through my ear chip.", I think that would simplify and smooth that bit out.

And be careful you don't just list what the characters do. You don't want the work to feel like a giant list or an outline! In your work, there are small hint of a list in spots. If you read through each chapter, you'll find the places were the tiny 'hints' begin.

Also make sure the sentence lengths vary and aren't all short or all long.

Now I must say, the story is a bit gruesome. I understand that not all stories are going to be happily ever after, so I think this story is going to be very interesting. And I'd like to see how exactly you are going to connect the story of Little Red to this one.

Also, the 'romance' seems premature for the characters ages and a bit too grown up. Like I hope the story doesn't get too... romantic.

Overall, it's an interesting twist to the Grims fairytale. I'd like to know how and why Red is killing, and do her parents know? :P You've got some spots in your writing that need smoothed out, but I know you'll only get better over time!

Good job!
Keep writing!

---RbG

Haha add more!!!

your blurb about the story is really great - it makes me want to read more than what you've got posted. let me know when you add more!

just so you know, on the first page it says "you take the back, all take the front" when it should say "you take the back, I'll take the front"
other than that, your punctuation, grammar and spelling is near perfection :)