BookRix

Another very well written story and one that could be made into a longer book. Sereni gave you some good advice, but the over all story was wonderful. Suspense was maintain throughout. Really a good job.
Yes, I voted. Keep up the good work.

I have returned to vote.

When you write your blurb you want to give the reader a peek at your story. It’s important to have correct spelling. Sometimes I have even taken a small part of my story for the blurb. I must admit at your age I don’t know if I would have written stories, and posted them so bravo for you.
Page 5
His smiles, always reminded me of spring- (no capitals for) sparkling colors, flowers and pleasant weather. But today, when he grinned, I could feel disgust curling up on me. This line is hard to follow maybe something like this: I could feel disgust and I had a really bad feeling. You say all of this and then down below you are speaking of his adorable green eyes and how he looked beautiful. I know you said the lighting was dim but this part seems a drastic change and it can’t just be the change in the lighting.

Page 6 I held my forehead and tried to lean on something, but (you don’t need instead) I fell (you have feel) on the floor( with a thud, since we know falling can cause a sound I think you could do without it). (At this,) I think the sentence can be stronger if you start with: He started laughing and continued (his trek the word trek means hike, journey) towards me. How about this: This part was taking over the other one who was defending him. Only I didn’t know why? Maybe something like: I should have listened to the voice in my head, and not questioned why.

Only this time he clenched my arm and dragged me towards himself. What do you think about this: He grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. I could smell his clean shave, musk cologne and a hint of cigarettes and alcohol. Maybe this: His face was clean-shaven, and I could smell his musk cologne, with a hint of cigarettes, and alcohol.

And I think you have to rely on your instincts and not go back and forth about how cute he is. He isn’t your friend get the tension going. You’ve said he disgusted you and he had a sinister look, if you stick with this I think it will be more believable. By the way does this character have a name?

I hope this was helpful. You have plenty of time to go back and check your spelling, and check the tense you’re in.

Like I said in the beginning I have to hand it to you as I think you have a head start with your writing keep going, and either read your work out loud, or have someone help with the editing. We all need help now and then.

This was a good story in that it was direct. No effort was wasted in trying to force a twist or mystery, and it was better for it.

Some of the verb modifiers should be switched around, and a few of the verbs were a bit off, i.e. when in flight the main character "marched" down the stairs.

A quick tip for your blurb, if you're short on the character count, you can fill it out with all spaces.

I must say, there was a high degree of tension throughout this story! Overall, a very good effort, and a nice wrap up at the end.

You were able to maintain suspense from the beginning to the end. Good read!