Don't feel stupid. ;-)
xxx

"Please! Just send me a sign!" Avoid exclamation marks. Not needed unless its a single word statement maybe.

A young girl sat at the head of her bed, silver threads filtering through the window that sat right above her headboard, lighting her black hair with streaks of silver.

Take care with repetitive words. They break up the flow of the sentence.

Her room was dark, the grey outline of her desk piled high with papers, all beautiful sketches of radiant beings. This neesd restructuring.

The room was dark. The grey outline of her desk was piled high with papers; all of them beautiful sketches of radiant beings.

"I-" the girl chocked spelling (choked)! on her words, as silver tears trailed down her narrowdelete face. "I thought you'd finally answer me tonight..." The young girl looked up with a sad smile gracingon her lips.

"because (caps) it's July 16." the (caps) girl gave a light laugh, "you (caps) probably already know this, but it's my thirteenth birthday and it would mean so much to me! I even kept up my A average, and raised my gym to a B!" the (caps) girl looked down once again with disappointment shadowing her elfish features. Once the tears finished flooding out her eyes,(a bit over the top)plus it should have been out of her eyes she brought her sharp light blue eyes back to the full moon that held, as if by a thread, in the middle of her window and whispered in the smallest voice, "Please..."

Line break Do you mean this is a new section?

Miles away, in her palace atop the eiffel (caps) tower, the beacon of her domain (I don't understand that) sat the fairest of them all. A woman in her early 20's twenties sat in a pink designer couch, in shorts and a thin tank peering into a mirror.

The mirror was just as beautiful as it'sits maiden; it's Its frame was shaped as rose petals and the colors and textures were so vivid it was as if they had been freshly plucked from the garden of the gods. But the petals themselves seemed to always change colors never a constant or more frequent color, much like the lady holding the mirror. Her hair and eyes seemed to be adjusting themselves to that persons idea of beauty, but something was wrong. Sadness haunted the lady's eyes as she gazed into the mirror.

The reflection within the mirror was not the image of the beautiful woman, but a reflection into the mortal world, specifically a young girl sitting at the head of her bed sending prayers towards the gods. As each word reached the goddess more tears pooled into her eyes.

"Please..."

"I'm so sorry," the goddess whispered reaching out to the mirror, dragging the tips of her fingers over the delicate glass made specially for her by her husband. The goddess lowered her head in shame until she heard the unmistakable sound of someone opening her large palace doors and quickly wiped away her tears.

"Lady Aphrodite," a (caps) young wood nymph stood in the entry way of the goddess' palace, her short made of bark coming just to the top of her bellybutton navel, revealing a section of her chlorine green skin and legs under her short leaf skirt.

"Yes, Blossom?" Aphrodite answered, her look softened slightly looking at the timid nymph.

"Lord Apollo is here to see you."

Well it's a good start. Well done. Tidy it up a bit by looking at my suggestions. Your biggest fault is not capping your letters at the beginning of a new sentence and your repeated words.

Overall, a good story. Keep it up.
Wendy xxx

Thank you so much! I actually wrote the original on my iPod and didn't think to go over it but now that you point out all the mistakes I understand better to actually CHECK before I post. Also in my writing, grammar has always been a weak point in my writing especially since in school, I take immersion so I don't get as much English classes as I need, meaning I could use as much help as I can gt. Once again thank you! :)

I really wanted to post my work in progress, but I could use any advice and apply it to what I am working on, as my writing style is similar to this. Heres the first page of my bookrix book. Thank you so much for your help.

Father and son burned alive
In the early hours of Thursday morning, a 23 year old male was set alight, and burnt to death in his Chatsworth home. The name of the victim cannot be disclosed to protect the identity of his son who is a minor. The young boy remains in a critical condition, and has sustained third degree burns to 75 percent of his body. The modus operandi is known to be a signature of the Budhram twins, also the ring leaders of the infamous Unit six mob, “The Double sixes”. The duo specialise in illegal gambling and loan sharking. Their mark, a pair of blue dice, was found at the scene. Police are looking into the matter. The Chatsworth Times- 24 June 1993

18 years later- 24 June 2011
Amavasya…A fanatical wind had forced the heavy clouds together beneath a dreary sky, when Javed Mahomed slipped unnoticed into the smoky hole of the Blue Dice Sports Bar. The inviting room was crammed with men hiding from the impending storm and their tempestuous wives. The muffled trumpets of vuvuzelas emerged from the small Telefunken television set that was mounted on the washed out wall. The powerful odour of tobacco fused with stale sweat and castor oil- a scent distinctive of the inebriated elderly men who frequented the gambling den. Javed kept to the shadows, head bowed under his hood. He settled in at a rickety metal table on which a blackened ashtray, an old salt shaker, and a greasy chip paper rested. Javed scanned the crowded room. 18 long years. His eyes focused on the middle-aged owners. They were relaxed on cushioned seats behind the bar, making conversation with the punters. Seelan and Selvan Budhram. Seelan laughed dirtily at a rude joke his identical twin brother had made. Javed searched for the matching tattoos he knew he would find on the left side of the neck. Affirmation that these where the same men whom had ruthlessly predestined his life…

The young toddler screamed in terror as he tried to save his abba… Trying to reach for his daddy while he burned in the chair not realising that the flames would taunt him as well…He spun around in anguish as the identical men with the funny tattoos laughed wildly as the flames melted his skin. “Don’t worry baby, daddy is just paying his debts.”

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Father and Son Burned Alive.
In the early hours of Thursday morning, a 23 year old male was set alight and burnt to death in his Chatsworth home. The name of the victim cannot be disclosed to protect the identity of his son who is a minor. The young boy remains in a critical condition and has sustained third degree burns to 75 percent of his body. The modus operandi is known to be a signature of the Budhram twins, also the ring leaders of the infamous Unit six mob, “The Double sixes”. The duo specialise in illegal gambling and loan sharking. Their mark, a pair of blue dice, was found at the scene. Police are looking into the matter. The Chatsworth Times- 24 June 1993

18 years later- 24 June 2011
Amavasya… Is that a place?A fanatical wind had forced the heavy clouds together beneath a dreary sky, when Javed Mahomed slipped unnoticed into the smoky hole of the Blue Dice Sports Bar. The inviting room was crammed with men, hiding from the impending storm and their tempestuous wives. The muffled trumpets of vuvuzelas emerged from the small Telefunken television set that was mounted on the washed-out wall. The powerful odour of tobacco fused with stale sweat and castor oil; a scent distinctive of the inebriated elderly men who frequented the gambling den.
Javed kept to the shadows with his head bowed underneath his hood. He settled in at a rickety metal table where a blackened ashtray, an old salt shaker, and some greasy chip paper rested. Javed scanned the crowded room. Eighteen long years. His eyes focused on the middle-aged owners. They were relaxed on cushioned seats behind the bar, making conversation with the punters. Seelan and Selvan Budhram. Seelan laughed dirtily at a rude joke his identical twin brother had made. Javed searched for the matching tattoos he knew he would find on the left side of the neck. Affirmation that these where the same men whom had ruthlessly predestined his life…

The young toddler screamed in terror as he tried to save his abba(what's this?) Trying to reach for his daddy while he burned in the chair not realising that the flames would taunt him as well…He spun around in anguish as the identical men with the funny tattoos laughed wildly as the flames melted his skin. “Don’t worry baby, daddy is just paying his debts.”

Excellent. Well done. I picked up a few grammatical and punctuation errors, but not a lot. I wasn't sure about the names. I thought they were a bit indistinguishable (Seelan and Selvan) and them Javed. I wondered how to pronounce it, which distracts form the story. I wouldn't have minded Jave or Jared, but Javed is hard on the tongue (might just be me).

Apart from that, I like the sound of the story and hope you continue with it.
Well done and thanks for posting.
Wendy xx

Thank you for the feed back. I feel so motivated now!

Heres the explainations of the stuff you found confusing:

Amavasya is a Tamil word. It basically means the night of the new moon. Because the night is dark, many people think they can commit crimes and escape under the cover of darkness.- Just thought it would add some atmosphere. haha

Seelan and Selvan are twins so I thought I should give them similar names, however I can see how this may make there names annoying and easy to forget.

Generally muslim children where I come from call there fathers "abba".

Aaaaand Javed is pronounced Jar-ved. muslim name.

Thanks for highlighting this. I forgot that what seems obvious to me is new for others and will disturb the flow for the reader.

Im trying to write a novel set in my home town but for people all over the world to read, so they can experience this beautiful place even if they cant travel here. (Besides, it would be foolish for me to write about a place I have never been to, I think?)

Thanks for the great tips and the service you provide. :-) I really appreciate it.

I think Im addicted now.

This is a book that is not on bookrix. I don't think it will be but I still want feed back. ^-^ hope you like it. And I hope its not too much. The italic is the intro for the book. It sits in the first Chapter.

There is a place, very different from our own. Where the people are special, in a way you will never know. There is a time, when a teenaged girl named Crystal lived in this place. For she did not live there very long. She has wings, almost of the purest of white and the feathers so smooth they feel like the clouds themselves.
This place is called, Sen Forges Fu. A floating city that travels around the world. Once every ten years or so, it returns to its original course, and heads across the sea to the land, newly found. Sen Forges Fu is the larger part of Sen Fu, for Sen Fu was broken off many years ago. For as long as Crystal can remember, she has lived in Sen Fu. That is not true. She once was living in a place she thought never existed. Until her destiny came knocking on her front door.
Sen Fu is the village for the talented people of the world. It is small, yes, but it holds almost fifty people with in its clouds. Not that many compared to Sen Forges Fu. The same thing that makes the village float, protects it form peering eyes below. Thus the reason why it floats, so it may travel away from those who see it. Yet, every once and while, a human sees their village and tries to tell the rest of the Human Race. It always fails. This may be a special city that is unknown to both, the Human world and the Elders that had lived there all their lives.
Every person on this little floating village has a talent of some kind. Crystal, as already told, has the wings to fly, and much more later on in her life. These people could very well have Teleportation, Telepathy, Shape-shifting or any other gift that is imaginable. Crystal's mother, so to say, was told to have the same ability as herself, and yet she does not believe what she hears. From books that Crystal has read, tells a different story.
She was led to believe that no one on the village trusted her, they did seem to avoid her. Except, mind you, the professor that taught her how to control her wings and help her to understand every bad situation imaginable. She had no friends, except for the professor.

I seem to be doing just fine right now! Why do I have to keep practicing this if nothing is going to happen?” I yelled angrily at my professor. “It's not like this will ever occur, and besides, I am as toned and defined as ever.” I smiled, showing my sarcasm.
Her ear twitched on top of her head and she started, “No. Crystal, you still need to practice and you know it as well. You need to be able to fly other people around if need be in the future.” She turned around and faced the door leading inside the classroom. We had been outside for the past three hours trying to lug around a hundred pound weight, “Pick the weight up again and bring inside, then come back out. We are done for today, I'll wait here for you.” She scratched her head below her ear and her tail flicked with pleasure.
I should explain. Professor Fa Fang, my teacher and most likely, only friend, is a like a minx. Well, her ears and tail are anyways. She can shape-shift into any mythical creature that serves the Gods, plus her birth form. The human body she has now, is incomplete and will always be that way. She doesn't like running around in the middle of the day as a mystical animal of the unknown. She actually loved her 'human' form and thus, she was mostly like this most of the time she is seen.
Grunting, I grabbed the weight and sighed. Of course it had to be on the pillar near the edge of the village and the class room about a half a mile away. Our classroom was located on the edge of the village where no one could disturb us while I trained my body. Lifting my wings I took off and quickly situated the weight in my arms, to keep it from falling. The professor smiled as she watched me go through the steps of keeping the weight from falling out of my hands. The breeze kicked up and I moaned as the village moved beneath me. Quickly I began to catch up and headed straight for the classroom. The professor just stood there, watching as I took the weight to the storage room inside the building.

Stepping out of the classroom I sighed as the professor was still near the training area, not wanting to run, I jumped to air and flew fast near the ground. I got there in no time at all. “Did you lock the doors?” Prof. Fa Fang asked me as I landed near her in the training area.
“Yes.” I replied irritated at the constant question she asked my every day. “Ill see you tomorrow.” I stated with an exhausted sigh as I started to walk off.
I was right about to fly away when Prof. Fa Fang told me, “You have an extra month off for class. I am giving you a break for the autumn and then, bright and early.” Her cheerful voice echoed in distance, making a bird fly near her and chirp its happy song to the world.
I smiled and turned around quickly, scaring the bird a little bit, “Really? I could really use that.” I jumped up and down for a minute, “I can explore the rest of the village then! Yes! Time to find a cave, I know there's one here.” I noted to her.
She began to laugh and I smiled bigger. “I figured you could use a break from this routine. Just be careful and don't land on the Ground. Stay in the village's mist OK?”
“Yeah yeah, I know. Geez.” I loved to give out as much sarcasm out to the Prof. as I could because she was the only one that really talked to me. Other than the Land Lady.
“Help your land lady out some before you disappear, alright?” She told me once again. Like she always does and then she stated, “Crystal. You do have a test on your stealth when we meet here again. Don't look for me, for I will not be on the Village. I things to do and will meet up with you later this month.” With that she turned around as we passed through the clouds. “See ya later!” She yelled back as I saw her form through the clouds change shape.
Her ears twitched and her tail split into two, a small muzzle appeared on her face and her body turned slender as legs jutted out of her body, leading to her soft paws. Since I lived with the Land Lady of the Apartments I was housed in, I lived on the other side of the village and the Professor, well, I never really found out where she lives. All I know is that we live in separate directions. When the clouds disappeared and I could no longer see my teacher, I ran to the edge of the training grounds and jumped off the floating village.
Laughing, I spread my wings and began to fly around with newly found excitement. With a smile on my face I flew up and over the edge of the village and to the clouds that were above it. I could almost see the entire village. The main road was right behind the classroom and the apartments just beyond that. Since my parents died a long time ago, when I was young, the property owner, or Land Lady, of the apartments took me in and raised me as her own. Even though she already has a daughter. Yet we do get along quite well for not being related. We both have grew up together, so I thought. She doesn't know that she can grow faster than me. She arrived, or was born as you might say, about two and half years ago and yet, she is already around eight years old. She soars through her studies and already has graduated from a high school level and is taking up very large amounts of college studies. The Land Lady doesn't seem to mind but also seems to help her, and give her the proper amount of Sen Fu history as needed.

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There is a place, very different from our own, where the people are special, in a way you willcould never know. There is a time, when a teenaged girl named Crystal once lived in thisthat place., For she did not live there very long. She has wings, almost of the purest of white and the feathers so smooth they feel like the clouds themselves.
This place is called, Sen Forges Fu. A floating city that travels around the world. Once every ten years or so, it returns to its original course, and heads across the sea to the land, newly found. Sen Forges Fu is the larger part of Sen Fu, for Sen Fu was broken off many years ago. For as long as Crystal can remember, she has lived in Sen Fu. That is not true. She once was living in a place she thought never existed. Until her destiny came knocking on her front door.
Sen Fu is the village for the talented people of the world. It is small, yes, but it holds almost fifty people within its clouds. Not that many compared to Sen Forges Fu. The same thing that makes the village float, protects it formfrom peering eyes below. Thus the reason why it floats, so it may travel away from those who see it. Yet, every once and while, a human sees their village and tries to tell the rest of the Human Race. It always fails. This may be a special city that is unknown to both, the Human world and the Elders that had lived there all their lives.
Every person on this little floating village city has a talent of some kind. Crystal, as already told, has the wings to fly, and much more later on in her life. These people could very well have Teleportation, Telepathy, Shape-shifting or any other gift that is imaginable. Crystal's mother, so to say??, was told to have the same ability as herselfshe, and yet she does not believe what she hears. From books that Crystal has read, tells a different story.
She was led to believe that no one on the village trusted her, they did seem to avoid her. Except, mind you, the professor thatwho taught her how to control her wings and help her to understand every bad situation imaginable. She had no friends, except for the professor.

I seem to be doing just fine right now! Why do I have to keep practicing this if nothing is going to happen?” I yelled angrilyavoid adverbs ending in ly at my professor. “It's not like this will ever occur, and besides, I am as toned and defined as ever.” I smiled, showing my sarcasm. (that's telling. Show don't tell)
Her ear twitched on top of her head and she started, “No. Crystal, you still need to practice and you know it as well. You need to be able to fly other people around if need be in the future.” She(the professor needs a name) turned around and faced the door leading inside the classroom. We had been outside for the past three hours trying to lug around a hundred pound weight, “Pick the weight up again and bring inside, then come back out. We are done for today, I'll wait here for you.” She scratched her head below her ear and her tail flicked with pleasure.
I should explain. Professor Fa Fang(Here it is. introduce her earlier), my teacher and most likely, only friend, is a like a minx. Well, her ears and tail are anyways. She can shape-shift into any mythical creature that serves the Gods, plus her birth form. The human body she has now, is incomplete and will always be that way. She doesn't like running around in the middle of the day as a mystical animal of the unknown. She actually loved her 'human' form and thus, she was mostly like this most of the time she is seen.
Grunting,(avoid words ending in ing at the start of a sentence) I grabbed the weight and sighed. Of course it had to be on the pillar near the edge of the village and the class room about a half a mile away. Our classroom was located on the edge of the village where no one could disturb us while I trained my body. Lifting my wings I took off and quickly situated the weight in my arms, to keep it from falling. The professor smiled as she watched me go through the steps of keeping the weight from falling out of my hands. The breeze kicked up and I moaned as the village moved beneath me. Quickly I began to catch up and headed straight for the classroom. The professor just stood there, watching as I took the weight to the storage room inside the building.

Stepping out of the classroom I sighed as the professor was still near the training area, not wanting to run, I jumped to air and flew fast near the ground. I got there in no time at all. “Did you lock the doors?” Prof. Fa Fang asked me as I landed near her in the training area.
“Yes.” I replied, irritated at the constant question she asked my every day. “Ill see you tomorrow.” I stated with an exhausted sigh as I started to walk off.
I was right about to fly away when Prof. Fa Fang told me, “You have an extra month off for class. I am giving you a break for the autumn and then, bright and early.” Her cheerful voice echoed in distance, making a bird fly near her and chirp its happy song to the world.
I smiled and turned around quickly, scaring the bird a little bit, “Really? I could really use that.” I jumped up and down for a minute, “I can explore the rest of the village then! Yes! Time to find a cave, I know there's one here.” I noted to her.
She began to laugh and I smiled biggernot a good phrase. “I figured you could use a break from this routine. Just be careful and don't land on the Ground. Stay in the village's mist OKokay?”
“Yeah yeah, I know. Geez.” I loved to give out as much sarcasm out to the Prof. as I could because she was the only one that really talked to me. Other than the Land Lady.
“Help your land lady out some before you disappear, alright?” She told me once again. Like she always does and then she stated, “Crystal. You do have a test on your stealth when we meet here again. Don't look for me, for I will not be on the Village. I things to do and will meet up with you later this month.” With that she turned around as we passed through the clouds. “See ya later!” She yelled back as I saw her form through the clouds change shape.
Her ears twitched and her tail split into two, a small muzzle appeared on her face and her body turned slender as legs jutted out of her body, leading to her soft paws. Since I lived with the Land Lady of the Apartments I was housed in, I lived on the other side of the village and the Professor, well, I never really found out where she lives. All I know is that we live in separatedifferent directions. When the clouds disappeared and I could no longer see my teacher, I ran to the edge of the training grounds and jumped off the floating villagecity. Make your mind up about how you want he place to be visualized. The perception of a city is big and a village is small

Laughing, I spread my wings and began to fly around with newly new found excitement. With a smile on my face I flew up and over the edge of the village and to the clouds that were above it. I could almost see the entire village. The main road was right behind the classroom and the apartments just beyond that. Since my parents died a long time ago, when I was young, the property owner, or Land Lady, of the apartments took me in and raised me as her own. Even though she already has a daughter. Yet we do get along quite well for not being related. We both have grew up together, so I thought. She doesn't know that she can grow faster than me. She arrived, or was born as you might say, about two and half years ago and yet, she is already around eight years old. She soars through her studies and already has graduated from a high school level and is taking up very large amounts of college studies. The Land Lady doesn't seem to mind but also seems to help her, and give her the proper amount of Sen Fu history as needed.

A wonderful premise to a story. Well done.

Obviously you have to develop it more, but I would say that all the information you have given here,as well as the stuff you 'haven't' written (visual descriptions and character profiles), could be extended to about 5,000 words.

You need to slow down, write up each moment with more care and expand upon it.

For example her wings. What did they look like, how big, what type of feathers, colour, where did they come from, how did they make her feel when she flew, what about the atmosphere around the wings? ie, the wind making her soar and dive etc. These are the things that will give depth to your writing. Don't do it with everything, but if you take something like her wings, you can make us visualize it exactly.

You have such great potential as a storyteller, but you must study the concept of Show don't tell. It's a technique, which is hard to get right and sometimes you have to 'tell', but if you can understand it, you'll remember it when you're writing and it will become more natural for you to 'show' more.

Your punctuation is pretty good, but don't overdo it on the commas and remember to split your dialogue onto another line when a new person speaks.

Overall, I like the idea of the story and hope you continue to develop it.
Well done
Wendy

I was walking down a side walk of a residential development . In my dream I acted as though it was one of my old job sites out in Lynnwood WA . However , as I recall the dream now It was not a familiar place .
As I walked and the sun was setting. As I walked through front yard after front yard I finally walked to a front yard that was completely screened in . Much like a screened in porch . I noticed two people , an older man and woman heavily relaxing on some soft patio furniture adorned with floral designs . The man stirred a little as he noticed me . He said " Hey how ya doin ? " And I replied " Doin good , how are you? .He replied "Good" . He then proceeded to roll over and close his eyes . His senses lulling back to relaxing . I opened a screen door to exit the yard and walked out into the street .
All the homes were the same color . They were a light creme color with trim painted farm red ( the red they use to paint barns and such ) . Also, the frame of the screened in area was painted with the same color red .
The darkness seemed to be over taking the sky rather quickly but not so much so that it caused me to wonder .
As I took a few more steps into the street I heard a distant evil laugh behind me . I ran to towards the end of the culdisac peering between the houses on my right side . I suddenly stopped between two houses feeling my heart JUMP .
Off in the distance was an orange glow like lava that was roughly shaped like a cone with the thickest blackest smoke swirling and dancing around its surface .
Then, very quickly five times quicker than a flash thunder storm . The black clouds billowed through the air .
I had the sense that a storm beyond understanding was about to hit . I ran back to those I had seen relaxing out side to warn them . I found another group of people sleeping in a similar setting as the older couple that I had quickly met earlier . Just as I was entering the yard I could feel the beginnings of a rain storm patting me in the face head and back .
I quickly woke the people sleeping warning them that there was an incredible storm coming , and they should get inside . My plea was met with a young blonde lady rubbing the sleep out of her eyes . As the rest slept .
I quickly left the yard to return to the violent site .
The bright orange cone shaped structure was now also rotating about half the speed as the clouds of smoke swirling around it . The exterior of the orange mass was starting to solidify forming a dark black crust . As the structure grew in height I heard the laugh again . The top of the structure seemed to act much like an exhaust for the black smoke and what now appeared a ball of blue light acting much like electricity about one quarter the size of the vent of the structure . The ball of light seemed to hover over the left edge of the vent while shooting quick random shots of powerful electricity around the circular vent .
I ,hiding around the corner of the front side of the house still peering . I saw motionless images of all kinds of people . The total of them couldn't have been more than twenty . They all just stood there as if a comic book artist had drew them . I couldn't help but notice the bright orange light that was being cast from the structure illuminating the motionless figures in the pitch smokey blackness .
Then I woke up .

http://www.bookrix.com/showpicmaxXY.php?x=500&y=500&p=writingmum_done_stamp4.gif&nozoom

The title is a bit strange, but apart from that, cap only the main words 'What my Dreams Become'

One of the things that disturbed me when i read the book was that i noticed you insert a space before you insert a period/commar/quotations, and hooter punctuation marks. Don't do that. I won't highlight them in this sample. You just need to go through the work and remove the spaces.

I was walking down a side walk of a residential development . In my dream I acted as though it was one of my old job sites out in Lynnwood WA . However , as I recall the dream now, it was not a familiar place .

As I walked and the sun was setting. As I walked through one front yard after another, I finally walkedreached one to a front yard that was completely screened in . Much , like a screened in porch . I noticed two people , an older man and woman, heavily relaxing on some soft patio furniture adorned with floral designscushions . The man stirred a little as when he noticedsaw me . He said " Hey how ya doin ? " New line....

And I replied, " Doin' good , how are you?" .
He replied "Good," he replied. He then proceeded to rolled over and closed his eyes . His senses lulling back to relaxing .You can't know what he's thinking.
I opened a screen door to exit the yard and walked out into the street .
All the homes were the same color . They were a light cremecream color with trim painted farm red ( the red they use to paint barns and such ) . Also, the frame of the screened in area was painted with the same color red . pointless narrative
The darkness seemed to be overtaking the sky rather quickly but not so much so that it caused me to wonder . pointless.
As I took a few more steps into the street, I heard a distant evil laugh behind me . I ran to towards the end of the cul-de-sac peering between the houses on my right-hand side . I suddenly stopped between two houses feelingfelt my heart JUMP .
Off iIn the distance was I could see an orange glow, like lava, that was roughly shaped like a cone with the thickest blackest smoke swirling and dancing around its surface .
Then, very quickly, five times quicker than a flash thunder storm . T, the black clouds billowed through the airinto the sky .
I had the sense thatof a storm beyond understanding was about to hit . I ran back to warn those I had seen relaxing outside to warn them . I found another group of people sleeping in a similar setting as the older couple that I had quickly met earlier . Just as I was entering the yard, I could feel the beginnings of a rain storm patting me in the face head and back .
I quickly woke the sleeping people sleeping and warned them that there was an incredible storm coming , and that they should get inside . My plea was met with a young blonde lady rubbing the sleep out of her eyes . As the rest slept .
I quickly left the yard to return to the violent site .
The bright orange cone shaped structure was now also rotating about half the speed as the clouds of smoke swirling around it . The exterior of the orange mass was starting to solidify, forming a dark black crust . As the structure grew in height, I heard the laugh again . The top of the structure seemed to act much like an exhaust for the black smoke and what now appeared a ball of blue light acting much like electricity about one quarter the size of the vent of the structure . The ball of light seemed to hover over the left edge of the vent, while shooting quick random shots of powerful electricity around the circular vent .
I ,hiding around the corner of the front side of the house still peering . I saw motionless images of all kinds of people . The total of them There couldn't have been more than twenty . They all just stood there as if a comic book artist had drewdrawn them . I couldn't help but notice the bright orange light that was being cast from the structure, which was illuminating the motionless figures in the pitch smokey blackness .
Then I woke up .

Thanks for posting this, It makes it so much easier to correct. Dreams are hard to write at the best of times. If this is just an account for yourself, then it's fine, but if you're hoping to keep the reader interested, you'll have to spice it up a bit I think. Maybe write it in the third person and incorporate some movements like kicking off the sheets, moving his head from side to side on the pillow...that sort of thing, so that you can add a bit of reality to it.

Your punctuation needs looking at. I've made a lot of adjustments here and if you go through it, you may be able to pick up some pointers to adapt to your future work.

Well done and keep at it.
Wendy xxx

That actually helped and I'll be sure to go over it again and revise what I can and be sure to show, not tell. ^-^ If its okay with you, I would like to re-post it once finished. (with new revision of course)

The story is my new NaNoWriMo project. My main goal is to make it longer. Any helpz? And if anyone is available; mind checking out the book and help me make the chapters longer? We'll discuss what I can do in return, like read, comment, etc.

Prologue :

The dark night sky was lit by the ravenous flames of the villager's torches. Consisting of mostly men, they also carried bows and arrows, spears and swords in case of man to man battle. They ran into the forest heading for the House Of the Mayleaf village. Smoke puffs rose up from the trees signaling danger.

Word had come that a boy from the tribe of Sebase had been speeding towards the House in order to steal the bracelet and gems of power. That this boy had dog ears, long unnatural colored hair and claws and fangs, too. The boy was Ilfim, son of the sebase village leader - known as the half-human.

The villagers rushed until someone ahead screamed,"It's ilfim!". Ahead there was a boy who leaped into the air clawing through a net that was placed over him. The net fell by injured House keepers. And landing back on the ground, he ran further into the forest.

Arrows were shot but missed because of the darkness or his speedy agile movements. A boy showed up, trembling, infront of the House door holding a sword. He charged towards Ilfim but was quickly counter attacked by his jump and clawing. An arrow flew and hit his side but he continued into the House, his feet patted as he ran up to the showcase that held the bracelet and gems of power.

Having no time to set up the bracelet, he quickly packed the bracelet and gems into a coin sack. He could hear the villagers outside calling out to attack. He decided to come out from the roof. So he burst through the hay roof and jumped to the ground.

http://www.bookrix.com/showpicmaxXY.php?x=500&y=500&p=writingmum_done_stamp4.gif&nozoom

Purple.ink, if the first page is any indication, this is going to be a pretty good read! A few suggestions to help tweak it, starting with the blurb.

Blurb:
A girl named Caori had gone back in time to the feral state of Mayleaf (a fictional town) and meets a boy named Ilfim. Together they fight to bring back the gems of power and Ilfim's past slowly unravels.

I started with your blurb because presentation is everything, especially on book jackets. If you rework this for clarity and impact – ‘The feral state of Mayleaf’ can be misread as Caori de-evolving into a primitive mindset - you can lose the parentheses. And, if state is defining Mayleaf, you also have ‘town’ and need to choose one or the other. For example:

The fictional town of Mayleaf is inhabited by a lawless/primitive? and feral people.

The dark night sky was lit by the ravenous flames of the villager's torches. Consisting of mostly men, they also carried bows and arrows, spears and swords in case of man to man battle. They ran into the forest heading for the House Of the Mayleaf village. Smoke puffs rose up from the trees signaling danger.

'Ravenous flames' is great imagery. Try changing ‘smoke puffs’ to something more descriptive – whorls of smoke perhaps? Also, what is ‘the House’ exactly? As a reader, it confused me, give a bit more of a description to make this clearer.

Word had come that a boy from the tribe of Sebase had been speeding towards the House in order to steal the bracelet and gems of power. That this boy had dog ears, long unnatural colored hair and claws and fangs, too. The boy was Ilfim, son of the sebase village leader - known as the half-human.

You’re very good with creating visuals, I can ‘see’ this half-human boy. Incorporate your adjectives better and be careful with tenses. It is still “happening” in the present. An example:

Word had come that a boy with long unnaturally colored hair from the tribe of Sebase was speeding towards The House to steal the bracelet and gems of power. It was the one with doglike ears, claws and fangs - lfim, son of the Sebase village leader.

The same observations are for the remainder of your first page. As I said earlier, great story you are writing. With more attention to keeping details clear for you reader, I expect many will enjoy it. I already have. ;-)

Write on…
Andrea

Commentator: wow what a beautiful day in Daytona Florida It's located north of Orlando and south of Jacksonville. The temperature here is 80 degrees so it's gonna be a hot one as Daytona brings you the most brutal racing championship in history The URC.

Commentator 2: Yes and it will happen with 40 super cars in 3 classes fast faster and the fastest and right now we have the fastest car alive on the planet and it's driven by a woman named Lavanna Torres Aka lavender as most fans call her she has a winning streak of 10 wins and never lost the URC ever.

Commentator 1: But there has been a lot of backlash including a few drivers that want a piece of her.

Terry: she's a cheater she cheats to win those 10 wins are a fluke.

London: I think she's a great driver and willing to do whatever it takes to win.

Commentator 2: well one named Terry thinks Lavanna Cheated and thinks those 10 wins are a fluke but there not cause Terry is a sore loser that's right I said it he's a sore loser.

commentator 1: well there's all 40 cars on the track and Lavanna in her golden Mitsubishi Eclipse her car goes over the 300 miles per hour mark which makes her the fastest car in racing history.

http://www.bookrix.com/image/showpic.php?art=user&size=m&p=foreverfemme_showextpicmaxxy.jpg

Terrex, I can see some improvement in your writing, how wonderful! You still snub the basics and hate punctuation like the plague (one day you'll have to share what commas did to make you hate'em so much ;-) ) but for the most part, it's better than any other piece of yours that I've read.

Commentator: wow what a beautiful day in Daytona Florida It's located north of Orlando and south of Jacksonville. The temperature here is 80 degrees so it's gonna be a hot one as Daytona brings you the most brutal racing championship in history The URC.

Commentator 2: Yes and it will happen with 40 super cars in 3 classes fast faster and the fastest and right now we have the fastest car alive on the planet and it's driven by a woman named Lavanna Torres Aka lavender as most fans call her she has a winning streak of 10 wins and never lost the URC ever.

Commentator 1: But there has been a lot of backlash including a few drivers that want a piece of her.

Terry: she's a cheater she cheats to win those 10 wins are a fluke.

London: I think she's a great driver and willing to do whatever it takes to win.

Commentator 2: well one named Terry thinks Lavanna Cheated and thinks those 10 wins are a fluke but there not cause Terry is a sore loser that's right I said it he's a sore loser.

commentator 1: well there's all 40 cars on the track and Lavanna in her golden Mitsubishi Eclipse her car goes over the 300 miles per hour mark which makes her the fastest car in racing history.

Apply these tricks of the trade and your story will be a much better read:

~ The beginning of a sentence is always captialized.
~ Cities/townships are separated from the state by a comma.
~ Always end a sentence with a full stop aka period.
~ The general rule for anything numerical other than an address in a written body of work is to write out the actual number.
~ Don't capitalize adjectives or adverbs. Is Lavanna's last name Cheated or did Lavanna cheat?

Improvement is a beautiful thing, Terrex. Keep it up! :D

Andrea

-- This was originally written for a contest with a word limit, I've since decided to turn it into a full novel. I'm in the process of outlining the story, but I want to keep the first section of it the same. I need help with structure, grammar, and especially correctly writing dialogue (dialogue tags, etc.). Thank you for any help.--

3046, July 23

I dreamt last night that the sky was white. It was an endless abyss of fog so light that it floated up and clogged the whole expanse with white so bright the techs had to shield their eyes. A fog that floats in the air and not on the ground, can you imagine?

But the oddest part of it all was that the white was… I don’t know what to call it exactly. It was like talking to a Tech that’s updated you many times. No, that’s not a good way to describe it. It’s a sensation that covers your skin, but it goes deeper than that. It reached into me, inside me. How can light do that? This sensation did not mimic the insertion of the cables and ports, it was different, it was all over and not isolated to a single point of entry. I’ve searched my entire system and the only words that I can access to describe this sensation would be Positive, or Synchronized. But only fragments of my systems definition of these words adequately describe the sensation. The sensation better mimicked the overheating of my hardware when the thermostat malfunctioned 468 days ago, but there were no warnings or alarms. As I said, it was overheating that was synchronized and positive.

Can you dream the same dream twice? I would like to dream that again.
-Control

My hands shake uncontrollably as I carefully set the tablet down on my work station. There’s a headache building behind my eyes, making it hard to focus on the handset next to the monitor. I take a deep breath and let it out in a long, shuddering sigh, but it does nothing to steady my nerves. The heat crawling up my neck spreads slowly over my cheeks, and a sweat breaks out on my forehead.

Any second now the phone will ring and I’ll pick it up, even though I don’t want to. I don’t want to discuss the journal entry I just read. It scares me.

It scares me a lot.

The blinking, blue light on my landline notifies me that a call is coming in. It’s Dr. Kiey, who else would it be?

“Elliot?”

“I know, Dr. Kiey,” I respond quickly, he doesn’t need to point out the obvious to me. “It was warmth- she was trying to describe warmth.”

I rub the bridge of my nose hoping to ease the pain that only builds stronger with each passing second.

“No, Elliot. You don’t see it? It’s right there in the text! Androids have no nerve endings to feel warmth with, it’s anatomically and systematically impossible,” he sighs deeply into his handset, and in that one breath are more emotions than I can begin to sort out. His words sound awed, but ominous at the same time.

I’m immediately put into high alert.

Much apologies for the delay and thanks for posting. I'll have your 1st page posted for you tomorrow.

Hope you continue to write and enjoy BetterWriters and Bookrix! :-)

Singingallday, let me just say the first page of “Control” has captured my interest. I have a few suggestions that you might consider as you progress.

3046, July 23

I dreamt last night that the sky was white. It was an endless abyss of fog so light that it floated up and clogged the whole expanse with white so bright the techs had to shield their eyes. A fog that floats in the air and not on the ground, can you imagine?

It’s a great beginning. By using ‘light’ it gets lost by the hues of white you’re describing. For a clearer and smoother read, a different word for ‘light’ would better indicate its weightlessness.

But the oddest part of it all was that the white was… I don’t know what to call it exactly. It was like talking to a Tech that’s updated you many times. No, that’s not a good way to describe it. It’s a sensation that covers your skin, but it goes deeper than that. It reached into me, inside me. How can light do that? This sensation did not mimic the insertion of the cables and ports, it was different, it was all over and not isolated to a single point of entry. I’ve searched my entire system and the only words that I can access to describe this sensation would be Positive, or Synchronized. But only fragments of my systems definition of these words adequately describe the sensation. The sensation better mimicked the overheating of my hardware when the thermostat malfunctioned 468 days ago, but there were no warnings or alarms. As I said, it was overheating that was synchronized and positive.

Can you dream the same dream twice? I would like to dream that again.
-Control

There shouldn’t be a comma after ‘Postitive’ and ‘systems’ needs an apostrophe – it’s possessive in this instance.

My hands shake uncontrollably as I carefully set the tablet down on my work station. There’s a headache building behind my eyes, making it hard to focus on the handset next to the monitor. I take a deep breath and let it out in a long, shuddering sigh, but it does nothing to steady my nerves.

This is pretty good as well. Just be careful with over-telling actions, when we tell our readers rather than have a balance of ‘showing and telling’ what’s happening it can read perfunctory.

Any second now the phone will ring and I’ll pick it up, even though I don’t want to. I don’t want to discuss the journal entry I just read. It scares me.

It scares me a lot.

The blinking, blue light on my landline notifies me that a call is coming in. It’s Dr. Kiey, who else would it be?

Really like this section – it’s a great expression of the balance mentioned above. Well done.

“Elliot?”

“I know, Dr. Kiey,” I respond quickly, he doesn’t need to point out the obvious to me. “It was warmth- she was trying to describe warmth.”

There’s a period after ‘Dr. Kiey’ or end the sentence after ‘quickly’ if you prefer.

I rub the bridge of my nose hoping to ease the pain that only builds stronger with each passing second.

“No, Elliot. You don’t see it? It’s right there in the text! Androids have no nerve endings to feel warmth with, it’s anatomically and systematically impossible,” he sighs deeply into his handset, and in that one breath are more emotions than I can begin to sort out. His words sound awed, but ominous at the same time.

I’m immediately put into high alert.

Again, here either end it after ‘impossible’ or ‘handset.

V.C. Amour aka singingallday, you’re on to something really good here. You’ve a great imagination and writing skills. I’m sure I’m one of many who will read your writings with pleasure.

Write on…
Andrea

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the time you've taken and your suggestions are so helpful!

*Reposted for Aisha*

Not completed. (warning for profanities. Mature themes too! But not over 16, don't worry)

Hey guys! I would like a critique on this! Constructive criticism please. I'm not one to take hard criticism, I take everything to heart, just to be honest and putting it out there) I know my grammar isn't very good and I have limited vocabulary but I hope I get some good advice out of it. Please try not to tell me what i already know. Don't just tell me what. Give examples of where I went wrong maybe- sentences pages phrases,etc. If you have something nice to say about my book (plot,language) it would nice confidence booster xD

Thanks so much for taking your time to do this! xoxoxo

PS: And if you do like my story, please do heart or fav. :)

Aisha<3

http://www.bookrix.com/_ebook-aisha-i-was-used/

http://www.bookrix.com/_ebook-drake-spire-revisiting/
a short story, it was mostly an exercise for my romance ideas. I need to improve on a ton of things I bet. I need critique. Any criticism will do, I'm open to anything.

Hello I need critiques for my new story :> hope you consider reading mine thanks in advance! :D http://www.bookrix.com/_ebook-chifaye-desu-vampress/

Hello!

Here is a short story about two very different women meeting in hospital.
http://www.bookrix.de/_ebook-andreas-f-julia-039-s-journey/

Native speakers, please let me know, if there are any errors in grammar and spelling. Nevertheless, enjoy the story!

And here's another one. This one should (!) be grammatically okay.

http://www.bookrix.de/_ebook-andreas-f-the-sinister-ride/