In a diplomatic coup, Modi has convinced Obama to clean up Indian latrines as part of his “Clean India Campaign”. Entries are invited from ordinary Indian citizens to send their stool sample for mandatory testing at the PMO. Lucky winners will get a chance to shake Obama’s latrine-clean hands in their own latrines. Hurry up! Only limited entries will be entertained! Twenty five percent reservations for the families of the US based NRIs/PIOs. Tentative date for the event has been fixed on 26.01.2015.

Note: Credibility of the above information is subject to the credulity of the readers.

Chapter 1.1.2: SC on Activism Spree

SC replaces Srini with Gavaskar, NaMo with Swaraj, SRK with Sallu, Baba with Bips, AK49 with CBI, Butter Chicken with Green Salad, MMS with…oops, that’s my right!

Chapter 1.1.3: CEC Crisis

All Election Commissioners put in their papers in protest against the SMS poll of the Aam Aadmi Party. The Aam Aadmi Party nominates Prashant Bhushan, Manish Sisodia and Yogendra Yadav as the new CEC team. Parliament proposes to debate whether it’s constitutional. The Aam Aadmi Party snubs the proposal terming it anti-people. The Team Anna terms CEC’s move as a conspiracy to sabotage Lokpal Bill.

Chapter 1.1.4: Result of Opinion Poll for Indian Army: Just Ignore BJP

Ms. Sushma Swaraj, BJP: Get ten Pakistani soldiers’ heads for one Indian soldier’s head.
Mr. Yashwant Sinha, BJP: Indian Army can retaliate without crossing the LOC.
Ramification: Get ten Pakistani soldiers’ heads without crossing the LOC.

I propose the following opinion poll to help Indian Army.

1. Seek divine powers from Shri Ram of Ramayana.

2. Learn black magic from Baba Bengali.

3. Just ignore BJP.

Opinion poll result: Just Ignore BJP.

Chapter 1.1.5: Being Gender Sensitive

I feel ashamed of myself today. It’s abhorrent that I am out rightly callous to the sensitivities of the fairer gender. For how long I have been living in this make believe world of mine thinking they like me the way I am: dirty and wild, almost beastly. I make the New Year resolution today that I will shave every day in the New Year – shaved just yesterday, no mood to shave tomorrow. Kudos to Gillette’s Shave or Crave movement for making me gender sensitive. I really enjoy this new status of Being Gender Sensitive.

Chapter 1.1.6: Let's Make This World a Better Place

I am fed up of this inequality; therefore, I have decided to take a plunge in the democratic process. I intend to stand for the next general election as an independent candidate. However, I don’t have the funds to manage my election expenses. Therefore, I plan to launch a public issue of my prospective candidature. I intend to become an MP by 2014 and a minister by 2020. The pubic issue of my candidature comprises 10,000,000 shares of Rs. 10 face value each – Rs. 100 MN is the minimum start up capital I need. Once I become minister in 2020, I intend to do a big scam of the scale of Rs. 1,000 MN, of which I shall garner at least 50% of the amount, i.e. Rs. 500 MN, which will then be the new value of my capital. Thus, the share of Rs. 10 face value today should carry a market value of at least Rs. 50 in 2022, which would give a return of 500% in ten years. There can be no better opportunity to earn big money. Come invest in your future; let’s together make this world a better place by distributing the fruits of democratic process to all.

Chapter 1.1.7: A Golden RTI Opportunity to Earn US Dollars

To,

The PIO,

Ministry of Home Affairs,

India

Subject: Request for information under the RTI Act

Sir,

Please provide the following information under the RTI Act:

- Residential address of Hafeez Saeed.

The above information is solicited for obtaining US Dollars 10 MN from the USA. The Rs. 10 RTI fees may be demanded from the US Government adjustable against the bounty to be received by me.

Sincerely,

Note: 10 year old kids are especially encouraged to file the above RTI application.

Chapter 1.1.8: Breaking News

Breaking News: Majnu Bengali of Lal Kothi, accused of theft, moves the Trial Court to make the Finance Minister a co-accused for following anti-poor economic policies.

Breaking News: Pappu Firangi of Bihari Jhuggi, accused of criminal trespass, moves the Trial Court to make the Urban Affiars Minister and the Lt. Governor of Delhi co-accused for not building enough houses for the poor.

Breaking News: Roomi Gloomy of Kailash Manjil, accused of obscene display on public street, moves the Trial Court to make the Minister for Women Empowerment a co-accused for not empowering the women enough to not to take up prostitution.

No more Breaking News: Samy Supari of Saffron Towers, for no good reason, moves the Supreme Court to make the Home Minister a co-accused in the 2G Case for choosing “First Come First Serve” over “Auction”.

Note: For those who are extremely naive, all the news mentioned above is FAKE.

Chapter 1.1.9: India Is Now Less Corrupt than Singapore

The 40-year-old clerk dumped his 27-year-old wife merely two months later because she refused to wear a skirt and have sex with him but the wife returned to his side in May, agreeing to do all he wanted.

“I promised to give her S$100 (RM247) on the first night, and S$300 (RM740) every month after that,” he said.

Sadly, she still failed to meet his “skirt sex” demand and was again chased out of the house two weeks later.

Singapore is the most corrupt country of the world. Girls marry with the promise of wearing skirts during sex, and then breach their promises! Thanks goodness, every man in India has now become Anna (Main bhi Anna Tu bhi Anna, Ab to Sara Desh hai Anna!). We can never have this kind of corruption in India.

Chapter 1.1.10: I Support the Call for Referendum

The agitation of Anna has brought a very important question of great constitutional dimension before the citizens of Delhi. Anna is agitating at Ramlila Maidan. Anna has already declared that he will end his fast but continue his agitation at the Maidan till the time a strong Lok Pal Act is passed. Now, the question before the citizens: Once the navratri starts, should Ramlila Maidan be used for ramlila or for Anna’s agitation? A referendum is a must on this question. This is a golden opportunity to experiment referendum. Delhi should snatch it.

Chapter 1.1.11: Free Legal Advice to “Lord” Brahma

Lord Brahma, who has only one temple in the world at Pushkar in Rajasthan, has approached a local court in temple jurisdiction area through the mahant (priest) of the temple, seeking maintenance from his consort Savitri. Lord Brahma has demanded offerings of five days every month as maintenance. The mahant of Goddess Savitri temple, however, has been opposing the petition on the ground that it is the husband, who should pay heed to maintenance of his wife.

Free Legal Advice to “Lord” Brahma

As per the Hindu Adoptions and Maintenance Act, 1956, only wife can seek maintenance; so, in the above litigation, “Lord” Brahma is bound to lose. However, if he files for divorce, he can seek maintenance on passing of the divorce decree under Sec 25, the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955. However, he should first give a chance to reconciliation.

Note: All pray for the happy married life of Lord Brahma.

Chapter 1.1.12: Don't Rape Girls; Either Pay Them or Marry Them

Hearing a plea seeking a pre-arrest bail to a man, who had sex with a woman and later refused to marry her, the Delhi High Court established that getting a girl into bed on the promise of marriage and later refusing to tie the knot amounted to rape.
“If a girl surrenders herself to a boy who comes in contact with her for the first time only in connection with a proposal for her marriage and then enters into a formal ceremony of engagement…she does it not because she loves him or wants to have pleasure with him, but because she doesn’t want to disappoint her future husband,” the High Court stated.

The Delhi High Court has hit it bang on this time. These kinds of losers should be dealt with like this only. Neither can they make enough efforts to find a “loose” character girlfriend nor can they earn enough to employ a prostitute. I agree there are many thinkers who have considered marriage as institutionalized prostitution, but that doesn’t mean you will start having free lunches. If the guy has sex before marriage, he should either pay the girl or marry her. If the sex with a prostitute with a reneged promise of payment can be termed as rape, then why not the sex with a potential bride with a reneged promise of marriage be termed as rape too! It’s high time we started respecting girls. Don’t rape girls. Either pay them or marry them.

Chapter 1.1.13: Muthalik Kahin WOH to Nahin?

Pramod Muthalik was participating in a television discussion on Valentine’s Day, when a man ran towards him with an ink bottle and threw it in his face.
“I will find him, whichever corner he is in. I will reply in the same way,” said Muthalik.

This is completely unfair towards girls. When they sent him their pink chaddis, he didn’t offer them his saffron langot. Now, when some guy has played Holi with him, he wants to return the favor in kind. Muthalik kahin WOH to nahin?

Chapter 1.1.14: Mr. Singh Wants Size Zero Ministers

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s novel scheme of grading each ministry’s performance and giving a ‘zero’ to those ministries who have failed to achieve even 60 per cent of their targets has not gone down well with the ministers in his Cabinet.

Put your ministers on a strict diet and an aerobic routine. That’s a better way to get size zero. Anyways, being the monitor of the class, you can do whatever you want.

Chapter 1.1.15: In Re: Cop v. Dog

It was two men in khaki versus a woman and her dog at district’s Bhagwanpura village.

Head Constable Gulab Thakur and Constable Karan were in the village searching for an absconder. They got into a dispute with Buddhu Korku and his wife Rukmini. Rukmini first bit the head constable and then made her dog bite him. She then tore their uniforms.A case was registered against the couple.

What about the Dog? No case against it! I’m sure it must have also acted in territorial self-interest!

Chapter 1.1.16: No Dogs in Major's House Please

Kerala Chief Minister V S Achuthanandan’s controversial remark against the family of slained NSG Commando Major Sandeep Unnikrishnan has evoked widespread condemnation.

He had said ”is there any rule that both the Karnataka Chief Minister and Kerala Chief Minister should go together to his (Sandeep’s) home? Not even adogwould have visited the house had it not been the martyr.”

Mr. Achuthanandan is wrong. If Major Unnikrishnan were alive, no dog would have dared go to his house or barked on being shooed away.

Chapter 1.1.17: NASA's Softdrink

NASA is launching a machine aboard the space shuttle Endeavour, which will recycle astronauts’ urine for consumption as water.

“We did blind taste tests of the water. Nobody had any strong objections. Other than a faint taste of iodine, it is just as refreshing as any other kind of water,” the Telegraph quoted NASA’s Bob Bagdigian, the system’s lead engineer, as saying.

“I’ve got some in my fridge. It tastes fine to me,” he added.

What an ENDEAVOUR! NASA can very soon start a soft drink business in competition to Pepsi/Coke. But don’t export anything to India, please.

Chapter 1.1.18: Is RBI Acting as Banker to India Inc Also!

India Inc gave a thumbs up to the Central Bank’s decision to undertake another round of drastic measures to ease liquidity in the financial system, including reducing repo rate by 0.5 per cent, CRR further by one percentage point and SLR by one per cent, saying this will have a positive impact on growth at a time when early signs of a global recession are on the horizon.

I don’t understand where all this money goes on easing liquidity; it must be going in the pockets of India Inc. I feel the pinch in my pocket even more with the increased liquidity because of the growing inflation. The Central Bank seems to be complying diligently with the demands of India Inc, but isn’t it supposed to be the banker to the Govt. of India! Is India Inc the proxy Government of India, for whom RBI generates money not by printing currency, but by easing liquidity!

Chapter 1.1.19: Riznawur Commited Suicide by Marrying a Rich HINDU Girl

The CBI has secured suspension of passports of Ashok Todi and his brother for their alleged role ininciting Rizwanur Rehman to suicidelast year, a month after his marriage to the industrialist’s daughter.

Has CBI gone nuts? As far as I remember, Rizwanur committed suicide at the first place by marrying the daughter of a rich HINDU industrialist. How can Todis be held responsible for it! Ya, OK, he was adamant not to die and wanted to save his marriage, and, thereafter, he died under mysterious circumstances. So, are you saying the mysterious death of Rizwanur was suicide, and the pressure of the Todis on Riznawur to annul the marriage was an incitement! Come on! Why would powerful people like Todis incite him to suicide when they can so very easily kill him, with all state machinery also expected to help them in first murdering him and then saving them from getting charge sheeted for any murder charges.

Chapter 1.1.20: Thackereys Should only Warn Each Other for Humanity Sake

Shiv Sena chief Bal Thackeray today warned all the industries not to retrench the people in the name of economic recession worldwide or else they will have to face severe repercussions. He lashed out at his estranged nephew, Raj, for staking claim over the reinstatement issue and questioned his childish ways, describing him as the newly born bird on the political horizon.

Bal Thackerey goes a step further and warns not only the Aviation but all industries. Now, what is Raj Thackerey gonna do? Best warn your uncle: Given he is so powerful, you will become even more powerful by warning him. This way so many less powerful people of the corporate world like Tatas, Ambanis, Birlas, etc, who are so scared of the Thackereys, will also feel safe and secured -- and the kids of the political horizon will also carry on.

Chapter 1.1.21: Side Effects of US Subprime Crisis: Bail-Out Package for IT Professionals

The global recessionary trends have affected the young employees of the Indian software industry in Hyderabad in more than one-way. While on one hand it is has spelt job loss fear, on the other hand, the parents of brides-to-be are no longer in search of IT grooms for their daughters.

A mother of a would-be bride said she would prefer non-IT professionals for her daughter seeing the latest trend.

“It fluctuates. Day-to-day it can change. What is happening now could be a short phase,” said Sharda Singh, mother of a would- be bride.

A father of a would-be bride expressed his concern too saying these ups and downs are bound to take place in any economy.

“There will be some ups and downs in anybody’s life like that any sector in a country or the world can also have its ups and downs,” said Rama Rao, father of a would be bride.

Some parents said they did not want to take interest in the marriage proposals of IT professionals any more as they were too scared of recessionary trends. “I am very afraid of its effects,” said S Krishna, father of a would- be bride.

After bailout packages for banks, airlines, industries, etc, we need a bailout package for IT professionals. The US Sub-Prime Crisis is affecting India more than it is affecting the US.

Chapter 1.1.22: Shiv Sena Focuses Its Attention on More Vital Issues

Taking a serious note of cricketer Harbhajan Singh’s dance as ‘Ravana’ on a TV show, Shiv Sena (Hindustan) raised anti-Bhajji slogans and burnt his posters in front of his residence in Daulat Puri area demanding an unconditional apology.

Lord Shiva would be happy today. At least there is one political party which is not selfish enough to waste its time on trivial issues like Global Financial Crisis, Inflation, Nuke Deal, Global Warming, Poverty, etc, but, rather, focuses its attention on the more vital issue of checking Ravana from becoming popular.

Chapter 1.1.23: India Marrying a Dead Corpse

The elation among members of the US business lobby and Indian American community leaders after President Bush signed the US-India civilian nuclear deal legislation into law in the East Room of the White House was almost uncontrollable.
Swadesh Chatterjee, the founder and coordinator of the US-India Friendship Council, said: “Such things don’t happen very often. This is absolutely our greatest moment as I said before after the Senate vote, in the US-India relationship and I am so proud to be an Indian American and to be part of this great history-making event.”

History is definitely going to be made. India will become the first country ever to marry a dead corpse and then set herself afire in the old Indian Sati tradition.

Chapter 1.1.24: Hooda Is Innovative

Maharashtra offers Tatas red carpet for Nano plant

Andhra Pradesh offers free land for Nano project

Gujarat joins race to get Nano project

Punjab to approach Tata for Nano project

Khanduri offers Tatas to bring Nano to Uttarakhand

Yeddyurappa woos Tata for housing Nano project in K’taka

Rajasthan joins bid to woo Tata’s Nano project

Naveen Patnaik invites Tata to set up Nano project in Orissa

Jharkhand government criticised for not enticing Tatas enough

Madhya Pradesh invites Tata to set up Nano plant

Hooda invites Swami Ramdev to set up Yoga University

HOODA IS INNOVATIVE

Chapter 1.1.25: Defintition of Patriot

VHP General Secretary Prof Venkatesh Abdeo ridiculed the demand of a ban on the VHP and Bajarang Dal. Talking to mediapersons, Mr Abdeo said ”the people who are demanding this ban are going and meeting the terrorists and even demanding that the ban on SIMI should be lifted.” He said these people will never understand the difference between traitors and patriots.

VHP is to be blamed. They never defined a patriot in clear terms. Anyways, I will try to define a patriot without prejudice to the definition of a terrorist:

1) Those who take state machinery like police, administration, ministers, etc, into confidence before launching terror attacks are patriots.

2) Those who can buy media into presenting a better picture for themselves are patriots.
3) Those who kill openly and brutally with swords & daggers without caring about planting bombs are patriots.

4) Those who justify killing as mass upheaval or as any other fancy term are patriots.
5) Those who are democratically elected killers oops politicians are patriots.

6) Those who help intelligence agencies in identifying terrorists and are never identified as terrorists themselves are patriots.

Chapter 1.1.26: Navratra in White

People in Rajkot have started bookingcolourful dressesfor the Garba on the occasion of Navratra. “I will wear nine different dresses during the next ten days. I have come to make a selection for that purpose so that judges look at me and elect me the prince during the festive dance,” said Malai Kotak, a child.

The toll in the Chamunda Mata temple stampede, has risen to 224, an official spokesman said.

Colorful dresses! But, unfortunately, no color can takeover white this time.

Chapter 1.1.27: Stampedes v. Terror Attacks

Stampedes are bigger killers in India than bomb blasts that so dramatically capture our mindspace. In 2008 alone so far, over 360 people lost their life in major stampedes compared to 156 killed by bomb blasts.

But, there is a difference: Stampedes are suicidal deaths, which are not crime under the IPC; whereas, terror attacks are murders, which carry the maximum punishment under the IPC. Of course, instigation to commit suicide is a crime, but no one ever gets booked for instigating religious suicides.

Chapter 1.1.28: Advice for India: Atleast Don't Get the Virus

India on Wednesday sought to downplay the controversial provisions of a bill cleared by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee on the India-United States nuclear agreement with a rider that will prevent the transfer of nuclear equipment, materials or technology from the Nuclear Suppliers Group countries or any other source in the event of New Delhi conducting a test.

“I would not like to comment on their internal process,” Foreign Secretary Shiv Shanker Menon told reporters when asked for the Indian government’s reaction to the Senate Committee’s clearance of a bill with a rider. “We are not going to comment on what they (Congress) do internally,” he said.

I must appreciate the US. They are brashly truthful about their intentions to f___ India. And, India is also brashly shameless about its pathetic status in the relationship. Pleasure, for some, can come from complete domination; but, for others, from complete submission to sadism. But, an advice for India: At least don’t get the virus.

Chapter 1.1.29: Balapur Ganesh Laddu Shouldn't Be Auctioned

The famous Balapur Ganesh Laddu fetched Rs 5.07 lakh in an auction held in the final stages of the Vinayaka Chathurdhi and Ganesh idols immersion today. The devotees believe that their families would prosper and possess abundant wealth, if they spray the laddu in their agricultural field.

I strongly condemn this practice of auctioning national treasure like Balapur Ganesh Laddu. This is the filthiest form of Capitalism. Such precious articles should be declared public property, and no one person should be allowed to garner extraordinary profits out of it. The Government should immediately confiscate this Laddu and make a billion exact replica of it with the sincere services of the modern Godmen like Ravishankar, Ramdev, Shankaracharya, Sathya Saibaba, etc. Each Indian has a right to spray this Laddu where ever he wants, whenever he wants, and become rich and prosperous.

Chapter 1.1.30: Rules of Survival in Bombay oops Mumbai

Continuing their protests against the Bachchan family even after Jaya Bachchanapologised for speaking in Hindiat a function on September 6, Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) activists pelted stones at the PVR theatre in Juhu in north-west Mumbai, where the premiere of Amitabh Bachchan’s latest movie ”The Last Lear” was scheduled.

I am surprised that after living for so many years in Bombay oops Mumbai, Jaya Bachchan could make such a mistake! For the benefit of the Bachchans, there are certain other rules which they need to follow at all times for survival in Bombay oops Mumbai:

1) Give seat to a Marathi lady in preference to any other lady (if ever Bachchans travel in any public transport) and apply this rule intelligently in other similar situations.

2) Never ever in your wildest dream make fun of Shivaji.

3) Thackereys are the self acclaimed representatives of Bombayites oops Mumbaikars, and give them respect for this very reason, out of fear, of course.

4) Learn to accept that a non-Marathi is always wrong in Bombay oops Mumbai, whatever may be the dispute.

5) It’s Mumbai, not Bombay

6) And, most importantly, always remember that the color of soil in Maharashtra is RED.

Chapter 1.1.31: De-Facto Nuclear Power Status of India

The Congress on Saturday hailed the NSG decision to provide a waiver to India stating that it is a unique development that confers de facto nuclear power status to the country.

Terming it as the “greatest event in the 20th-21st century,” party chief spokesperson M. Veerappa Moily said countries that were hostile to India after New Delhi conducted nuclear tests and the P-5 (permanent five members of the U.N. Security Council) had agreed to the waiver. “We have become P-6. It is a historical event,” he said.

We have really reached a landmark. This de-facto nuclear power status of India is nothing less than the Government-in-Exile status of the Tibetan Government.

Chapter 1.1.32: Increase Police Budget for Better Results

Arun Kumar (22) was arrested by T Nagar Police on charges of stealing 40 sovereigns of gold from his friend’s house. He lost nine fingers allegedly due to torture by police. He moved Madras High Court seeking a compensation of Rs ten lakh.

This just doesn’t make sense. For 40 sovereigns, nine fingers! And compensation of ten Lakhs for nine fingers! It is again the mistake of the police. They didn’t do their job well. If, instead of nine, they had cut ten fingers, all the figures would have matched: 1 finger for 4 sovereigns each, and 1 Lakh for every finger. I think the TN police work on a tight budget; the TN Government should increase the budget of the police so that they can perform their duty of torturing people fully and satisfactorily, without worrying about the prospective costs. And, also the court, while awarding compensation, should take into account the annual budget for torture duty related expenses minus the hard-earned private money received by the police for inflicting torture and should accordingly award compensation.

Chapter 1.1.33: White Clad Civilian Nuclear India

As the second meeting of the Nuclear Suppliers’ Group draws near, it would appear that India is ready to make some concessions. It has downgraded its demand from an “unconditional” to a “clean” waiver. “We have made it quite clear that we are interested in clean waiver from the NSG. We have presented our case. We have made our position clear to interlocutors,” said external affairs minister Pranab Mukherjee.

The word “clean” means bleaching to make it all white as liked by the “White House”. And, rightly so: The Civil Nuclear India should only wear white clothes after losing the Strategic Nuclear India in the Indo-US nuke deal. This is in sync with the long standing Indian tradition. However, courtesy the movie “WATER”, I know that the White Clad Indian Widows are often forced into prostitution. But, the US wouldn’t do this to India; will it?

Chapter 1.1.34: Marathi Soil is RED

Bal Thackeray’s Shiv Sena is vying with the Raj Thackeray led Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) to get political space on the issue of Marathi signboards.

While the MNS deadline for Mumbai shop owners to change their signboards from English to Marathi has ended, the Shiv Sena has asked Brihanmumbai Municipal Committee (BMC) to enforce Marathi signboards on traders and shopkeepers.

The Thackereys are the sons of the Marathi soil, and, therefore, they want to color the English soil (Bombay) into the color of the Marathi soil (Mumbai); however, it is just unfortunate that the color of soil in Maharashtra is RED.

Chapter 1.1.35: Territory Expansion by Men Is Easy, Courtesy Police

A new study has revealed that a Jamaican lizard called the Anolis engages in impressive displays of reptilian strength – push ups, head bobs, and threatening extension of a colourful neck flap called a dewlap – to defend its territory at dawn and dusk. While female anoles establish small territories allowing access to food and other resources, while males stake out larger territories allowing them access to several females. The dawn chorus may be a way of communicating having survived the night. If in the morning a bird doesn’t hear its neighbour, or an anole doesn’t see its neighbour, it may be an opportunity for the animal to expand its territory.

For men, it is so easy: They just need to earn lots of money and give a part of it to Police, to defend and to expand territory (including access to several women).

Chapter 1.1.36: Mia Bibi Razi to Kya Karega (Strictly Male) Quazi

Muslim clerics have questioned the sanctity of a marriage of a Sunni couple under the Shariat law which was solomonised by a Shia women Quazi

I used to think that at least in Muslims it doesn’t matter what the Quazi thinks, and that’s what the law also states (Muslim marriage is an agreement, not a sacrament). But, no, it seems I was wrong: Muslim couples can marry sans a male Quazi but not in the presence of a female Quazi. Come on, at least make an exception for a Burqa-Clad Female Quazi.

Chapter 1.1.37: Mukesh Ambani does it Again

The tree-lined Altamount Road is a favourite of India’s “very rich”, Wealth-Bulletin said, and added that it was “catapulted into the ranks of the world’s most expensive when India’s wealthiest individual Mukesh Ambani unveiled plans last year to build a residential apartment block on the street at a cost of around $1 billion”.

Proud-to-be-an-Indian Mukesh Ambani has added another feather to his cap by getting Altamount Road included in the Wealth-Bulletin’s world’s most expensive streets in the world, courtesy the extraordinary 27-floor building, called “Antilia”, to be build by Mukesh Ambani on Altamount Road, Mumbai. His patriotism has no bounds!

Chapter 1.1.38: Xbox 360 | the Modi’s Gujarat

The game is “Xbox 360 | the Modi’s Gujarat”. Modi is the champion, and Gujarat is the battle field. The first round went to the Mujahideens: Damage 50 and counting. Modi stages a come back in the second round: 21 bombs recovered and defused in Surat with one of them 20 meters away from the site where Modi was 1 hr ago; damage zero! Modi’s spirits are high, and he is all set to triumph in the other rounds in Rajkot, Vadodra, Gandhi Nagar, etc. Modi is already a champion in the Xbox 2008 championship and all set for the next; but, are the people of Gujarat ready for it because it is just not a game for them after all.

Chapter 1.1.39: The Shiv Sena’s Taj Mahal

The Shiv Sena claims Taj Mahal as an ancient Shiva temple. Now this is some disillusionment. I have been thinking that Taj Mahal was built by Shahjahan in the fond memory of his wife Mumtaj Mahal. I feel pity for the sorry state of our educational system: What all nonsense is put into the innocent minds in the name of historical proofs and evidence! Is there no credibility of the divine knowledge which the Shiv Sena possesses!

We need more political parties like the Shiv Sena so that we can rightfully claim Jama Masjid as an ancient preaching centre of Lord Krishna; Qutab Minar as an ancient helipad of Shri Hanuman; Charminar as an ancient secret hiding place of the pandavas during their banwas; Red Fort as Prithvi Raj Chauhan’s ancient holiday resort; and each and every neighborhood mosque as an ancient Vedic library or an ancient old-age home or an ancient Shri Hanuman akhara or an ancient guli-danda club or…

Chapter 2: Reviews

Chapter 2.1: Travel Locales

Chapter 2.1.1: Shillong, the Beauty

I visited Shillong, which is the capital of Mehgalaya, in August 2014. In fact, it was a side-visit to kill time, but it was indeed time well-spent. It was a Sunday afternoon when I reached the main city centre; the striking feature of the place was exuberance of well-dressed young guys and gals; it looked some kind of a dating feast, but, all I can remember, the day was that of Rakshabandhan; however, in Meghalaya, unlike in Gujarat, people don’t suffix names with Bhai and Behan; so, it must have been a dating feast only — at least I thought so and immediately bought a deo without realizing I have grown passed that age. Nevertheless, the beauty of Shillong is not limited to its pretty girls; the place itself is pretty-pretty.

The day being Sunday, all tourist attractions were closed, and I didn’t have time and energy to visit the off-city places; so, I just started wandering in the city on-foot and soon realized it was a decision well made. On the way, I also ended up meeting some tech-savvy, young Bengali students, who had been wandering with the help of GPS for more than a week then; so, they became my natural companions — anyways, I have a liking for the Tech-Savvy Youth. Our mutual goal was to reach the Golf Course from the Raj Bhavan, which was some 4-5 KMs distance. To be very frank, after some time, I felt out of place with them: first, they were taller than me; secondly, they were not sharing their GPS with me; thirdly, they were speaking an alien language; and fourthly, I think, they were also making fun of me in their alien language. Nevertheless, I persisted and tried ignoring them for the beauty of the place; and, voila, it worked.

Shillong is an extremely beautiful place. The distances are small and scenic; therefore, most people traverse them walking. I didn’t intrude into the neighborhoods, but, from a distance, the houses looked cozy and cute, well-knit into the whole with an identity; and, the big houses, like those of the Chief Justice and the Chief Secretary, were alluring. The pathways were decorated with plantation, and the litter was conspicuous by its absence. The Golf Course is at a depression to the Raj Bhavan, so most of the distance traversed was downhill, and therefore, the view was clear and penetrative, giving an impression of dominance over the landscape; and thus the feeling was king-size — many a times I just felt like jumping and roaring into the slopes like a tiger, but the GPS brought back sanity. However, as soon as I reached the Golf Course, I did run a lap but more elegantly like a stud — by then I had obviously forgotten about the deo, but, I think, the elegant run did impress some virgin mares.

Finally, after some running and sauntering on the Golf Course and some chit-chat on Aurobindo, we returned to the city centre — this time in a Taxi — exchanged pleasantries and moved on. Movement is the key; the pretty halts are sexy, but the eagerness to run together brings people/things/places close, with or without Deos. © 2014-2015 Ankur Mutreja

Chapter 2.1.2: Agartala City

Agartala is a city which is more or less unaffected by the capitalist onslaught, which prompted me to visit this city to check out whether the city offers any alternative promise. Well, let me state at the outset that I am disappointed. I would have much liked to understand the politics of the place because the management of the city is undoubtedly under the complete influence of the politicians, both organized and unorganized. However, without knowing the local language, it is next to impossible to understand the politics especially in a short span of 3-4 days. Nevertheless, let me state that Agartala City has thrown up a Congress MLA ever since 1998, but the Communists rule the Municipality; I am not sure whether the BJP/RSS have any significant presence in the city, but they have certainly set up bases in Tripura and are imparting preliminary training to their cadres, who, through their extrovert intervention in the societal matters especially involving disputes, might have gained some speedy presence in the politics of the city; and I saw one single poster of Mamta Banerjee near MBB college.

However, the politics also manifests itself in the day-to-day experiences of the people. Frankly speaking, I had no intention of getting involved in such experiences, but, unfortunately, I got involved nevertheless.

First and foremost, I have to make it clear that the majority of people there were very helpful; they, in fact, wouldn’t even differentiate between the outsiders and the locals, which might also be because the Bengalis, with whom I have had most of my interactions and who dominate the politics in the state, are themselves a kind of Hindu Bangladeshi refugees in Tripura, which has also led to insurgency situations in the past. However, there are a few experiences which make me believe that regional parochialism, which is an identity symbol of the right-wing politics, is also present in this Communists’ ruled city. And, one bad experience takes away in a single stroke what ten good experiences might have produced in the past!

Now coming to my bad experiences:

Urban Transportation

The People there use shared auto-rickshaws for urban transportation, which works pretty well and offers great flexibility, but only till the time the arbitrary rules of the rickshaw drivers don’t spoil the game. I must say I traversed the whole city and beyond on these auto-rickshaws pretty comfortably until I could very clearly see the discomfort of the rickshaw drivers in entertaining the outsiders/tourists. The manifestation of the discomfort was also very interesting and also amusing. Ever since morning, I would be asked by the rickshaw drivers whether I was carrying the exact fare amount like Rs. 7, Rs. 8, etc., in exchange, to which I offered conciliation by agreeing to forego the small return-exchange amounts. However, at least one rickshaw driver threw me out of the rickshaw because I was not carrying the exact fare, and he was a Bengali. Incredible but true! The reason was not that I was not carrying the exact fare amount as I offered the same conciliation to him as well, to which his argument was that I was traveling alone, the rickshaw capacity was four persons, and there were two other passengers already sitting in the auto rickshaw, and, if he would get a pair in the way, he would lose on them; so, I should either offer him the exact fare or else pay him double the fare so that he could compensate for the prospective fare loss. Of course, this argument is arbitrary, incoherent, irrational, too far-fetched, and a clear manifestation of the unwelcome attitude/bias towards outsiders. But, why should I blame the entire system for this one off-the-cuff personal incident? Well, the answer is simple: it is because this might well not be an off-the-cuff incident unless I was being targeted by the bigger political forces, which, of course, was not the case. But, the bigger problem is that the system allows for such an occurrence to take place. Everything has been left to the local politicians, who, with their lack of knowledge and wisdom, leave scope for such arbitrary and biased behavior through the arbitrary systems and rules set up by them. I wonder which sensible system can allow for dislodging of a person for not carrying exact fare amount. This might also be a problem with the regional transport mini-buses, in which I did not travel. Everything would have been fine if the state was offering the travel options for the tourists: they organize tourist packages through their tourism department, but, for that, they require minimum of three tourists, else the single person has to pay triple the amount. Anyways, the tourism website itself encourages the tourists to travel in locally available travel options by offering advisories like the tourists could take a bus to so and so place and locally available options like autos/jeeps, etc., thereon to the ultimate destinations. I don’t think this kind of urban transportation system can offer any alternative.

Fooding

Eating-out seems to be a serious problem in this city. Of course, there were five star restaurants, but they were not viable options for all. The problem is that there were no regular economically-priced restaurants like the southern Udupis and the northern Dhabas. There were plenty of road-side fast food joints, which offered momos, rolls, omelette, etc., but these things can’t be eaten at all the times, nor were those places very hygienic. There were some cafe houses which offered pastries, sweets, etc., and they were pretty good, but they can’t fill up for the proper restaurants. The restaurants were either below-par or too expensive. Now, coming to my experience in the restaurant I visited. The restaurant wasn’t really on the economical side because the prices of the vegetable curries ranged from Rs. 125 to Rs 250, which is definitely not economical. A good lunch for two would drill a hole of at least Rs. 500 in the pocket, so I would consider it an expensive restaurant. The service was greedy, pompous and indifferent: If I would ask for water, the attendant would present bottled water by default, irrespective of the order; if I would ask for Veg. Biryani, the attendant would argue that Biryani can’t and shouldn’t be consumed without a side-curry, so I should order one; if I would order for a soft-drink, he would bring the bottle at the table, open it right there, and leave it for me to pour it in the glass. The food was good but the service was pathetic, but I still left the tip. Why?!!

But, what difference does it make? To be very frank, it doesn’t make any difference to me. I am against fine dining and like hygienically cooked, reasonably priced food to be served to all and sundry. However, the problem here is that it was supposed to be a Communist city, but the people over there determined the statuses by a person’s capacity to spend on food, which is obnoxious. I had a small talk with a fast food joint manager/owner who was running the joint with the namesake of a big popular restaurant, and he kept stressing the point that the high status elite gentry could only go in the namesake restaurant; so, the conclusion is inevitable that there was recognized an elite class which enjoyed the services of the five star restaurants, but the others ate unhygienic food; this is worst than capitalist cities.

I have had a seriously bad experience in lodging as well, but I am not discussing it because it has no established correlation with the scheme of this writing. ©2014-2015 Ankur Mutreja

Chapter 2.1.3: Auroville

(As I wrote in June-July 2014)

I am here in Auroville for vacation when the Aurovillians are vacationing elsewhere, so I am trying to make friends with dogs, cats and cows — no luck with the dogs till now though the cats seems to have got attracted with my looks, but the cow milk is for kids and, anyways, I don’t like milk — and this is actually the real challenge in Auroville, for the man here has ingrained politeness. However, the most intriguing thing is the diffusion of politeness even among the local Tamilians. But, that doesn’t satisfy my cynical self. I know I am doing injustice to this place by writing below what I am first because I have been here only for two days, so it’s premature, and secondly it is also lopsided and speculative.

I have some serious doubts about the feasibility of this experiment. The stated purpose of Auroville is to establish statuses on the basis of knowledge and self-worth of a person, not his material possessions, acquired and inherited. But, I already have inklings that an average Aurovillian is money minded. As far as I have understood, an average Aurovillian here is engaged in a small business or in an executive/administrative/knowledge job. Though it is a premature observation, but, I think, in general, the foreigners are the managers/entrepreneurs, and the Tamilians are the workers. There definitely exists an elite class, which is controlling the decision making: I think there are big entrepreneurs, community leaders and governors, who work in tandem and make decisions. The role of the big entrepreneurs seems to be to fund subsidies, which must be giving them power, but let me clarify that the big entrepreneur here is no bigger than a small five star restaurant owner or a small factory/workshop owner, so the local community — which is sometimes ludicrously small comprising just two-three people — must be having a substantial say in the matters concerning them. However, I have felt that, in spite of a maintenance allowance, an average Aurovillian wants to earn more, which could be either to enter the elite club (which means the people are not satisfied with their statuses and the work per se and, still worse, they think that money can buy them status) or to fund their finances (which means those who can’t fund their finances are looked down upon by themselves or by the fellow Aurovillians; in either case, it reflects a failure); though it is Utopian but one possibility is also that the Aurovillians take pride in contributing to the community, and the best an average Aurovillian understands contribution is through financial contribution; however, my cynical self is failing to accept this possibility. Whatever, one thing is for sure that there are existing statuses which are not purely knowledge based, which manifests best in the houses occupied by the Aurovillians: some people have amazingly magnificent houses, yet others have none. They are trying to address this issue, I would say, insensitively: they are building apartments with shared toilets — I don’t know who came up with this brilliant idea, but one thing is for sure that Auroville needs to reserve some space for construction of a mental asylum very soon; come on, community living is about sharing ideas not underwear. Any society believing in non-elitism and non-materialism would first and foremost remove the first sign of elitism, which is irrational and obscene occupancy of scarce resources especially land, which in the case of Aurovillle should mean the complete redistribution of land.

There are more negative signs that I have encountered, but those need further exploration, so let me reserve them for another day — by then, the dogs will be friends, and the snakes will take over in the not so very polite manner.

Addendum

Well, whatever this experiment practically is, at least in theory it is good except for a tilt towards “Hindutva”, so I am not writing anything negative anymore because I have a bias in favor of this experiment. Above, I didn’t discuss the Global Recession as one of the reasons for the money-mindedness of the Aurovillians, but it seems that might be one of the big reasons for this money-mindedness. It seems their European grants, as well as exports, have shrunk, and, therefore, now they are trying to fund their experiment themselves, which might have made at least some of them money-minded, which is an external challenge to the experiment. I can say with a certain degree of authority that cost cutting is always a better way to tackle recession, local or global — Integral Yoga should incorporate that flexibility. About dogs, the man like dogs because it can tame them to its benefit, but, with the advent of incredible technology, privileged men can now tame less privileged men by infringing their privacy fully and finally — there is a clear vibe on the internet that intrusive brain reading is possible, I have researched a bit and am convinced about its veracity (refer Ch. 3.1.1). The dogs will then loose preference to the less privileged men, but I only hope that the less privileged men may not spread rabies thereafter.

2nd Addendum

The Positives

1. Matrimandir Meditation Chamber: I don’t do meditation. Actually, I don’t understand what they mean by mediation, and how it should be done. Some people say the meditation is when the random thoughts cease, and the mind becomes relaxed and free. I attended the mediation session on two occasions. The first time I had not slept properly, therefore I went to sleep, and when I woke up, I felt refreshed. The second time I had slept well and was wide awake; therefore, I started experimenting and found that the sunlight in the chamber falls on a ball in such a manner that if you close your eyes you see an image of a flying bird; however, the more interesting is what you see below the bird; I opened and closed my eyes 4-5 times, and each time I saw some different religious symbol, and then I observed the ball carefully and thought in my mind that I am an atheist, and then I saw only a flying bird with a blank block below it. Relaxed, I definitely was, but random thoughts never ceased; whatever that means.

2. Flora: This place has been built on a barren land, and what they have done to the place is amazing. The flora is omnipresent and extremely soothing. I rode bicycle on the cycle paths, which run through the forests and are surrounded by trees and plants all around. The temperature in Auroville is similar to that of Delhi, and riding a bicycle in Delhi at this time would be unthinkable, but there it was pleasant; regrets that I couldn’t explore fauna mainly because I was scared and unprepared.

3. Attire: The standard attire of the people there is shorts and t-shirts. Most of them are healthy and fit, and, therefore, the clothes they wear look good on them, whether young or old. Moreover, I think the attire also match up with their attitude, which is informal and laid-back.

4. Attitude: The attitude is definitely laid-back. People are mostly not in a hurry, and it is evident that the decisions are taken after lots of deliberation, and, what I observed, the things work pretty fine and easy. There are a few streetlights, and the people themselves don’t venture out at night. They, as a matter of course, separate solid waste from other waste. Doors are not locked at night because nobody steals. There are no police vans and police posts; the six-seven guards manage everything, and who are always very helpful. The rules are always followed. If there is a note on a water cooler asking people not to fill water bottles, nobody does it — I did it.

5. Creativity: The most interesting thing about the place is the caliber of the people living there. Many of them are capable of being highly paid executives or administrators but have chosen a mellowed lifestyle. However, their expertise gets manifested in the kind of research and work that is being carried out there. Renewable energy is a definite area of focus, and the projects under contemplation include things like a graded lake system fed by desalinated sea water to be used for beautification of Matrimandir, for an alternate water supply system and for electricity generation; a full-fledged e-transportation with complete ban on petrol/diesel vehicles within the city; a self-sustaining electricity generation at the community level without any linkage with the national grid, etc.

There are more positives, but I have not been able to explore them much because I was overwhelmed by the people’s romanticism towards the place and wanted to explore the negatives to maintain the balance. But, in hindsight, it seems a neutral approach would have been better. Anyways, it’s never too late to explore.

3rd Addendum

Above, I have mentioned that the Aurovillian experiment has a tilt towards “Hindutva.” I think that would not be legally correct. The SC has restricted “Hindutva” to the philosophy propounded by Savarkar and separated it from Hindu Nationalism, which is certainly based on the Hindu religion especially Vedanta, but not “Hindutva.” Following that, neither the Aurovillian experiment can be said to be having a tilt towards “Hindutva” nor Aurobindo’s philosophy can be called “Hindutva” philosophy, even when it is strongly influenced by Vedanta in specific and the Hindu religion in general– just for record, I am a pro-science atheist non-believer, and the faith propounded in Vedanta doesn’t appeal to me. Also, I didn’t find any visible influence of RSS/BJP in Auroville, which is a strong positive. ©2014-2015 Ankur Mutreja

Chapter 2.1.4: Puducherry, the Mission Idli

I don’t know why but I had this urge to eat the Tamil idli as soon as I entered Pondicherry. But, to my surprise, the small kiosks to the big restaurants, nobody was willing to serve idlis in lunch. But, as adamant as I am, I immediately embarked upon "Mission Idli" on the lesser known streets of Puducherry (meaning the new city), ignoring the French Boulevards, the Beach Road, the Aurbindo Ashram, and the pretty girl near the Ashram. My search took me to almost each and every nook and corner of the suburbs shown in the Puducherry tourism map, but to no avail: the idli remained ever elusive. However, in the process, I have become the real estate guru of Puducherry and am already advising a well-known idli chain pro-bono with an assurance that they will serve idlis in lunch across Puducherry.

Now, since I have seen so much of Puducherry, let me share some gyan. First and foremost, the places ending in “pet” don’t have anything tummily about them; they are just names; some of them are excellent residences, yet others are not so good; my personal favorite is Lawspet, but the best value for money might be Mudaliarpet or Orleanpet; however, my first stop was Duryapet, which, in spite of being a semi-slum, was pretty clean. While discovering “pet”s, I also discovered some “uppam”s — again nothing tummily about them — Kotakuppam, a predominantly Muslim neighborhood, is affordable and clean, and, but for its Muslim tag, would have been attracting lots of real estate interest — I think there is a clear real estate opportunity lying there for the secularists. Aryinakuppam is another neighborhood I visited and found it chic and posh. But, one neighborhood which I just couldn’t visit in spite of trying too hard was Nellithoppu — every time I headed there I landed up in the city bus stand with numerous Modi posters in the skyline, and each time I duped Modi by jumping onto the East Coast Road and taking a u-turn from Kotakuppam.

So, after lots of hide and seek games in the hot sun, my moped gave up and got punctured and got running only after the sun glasses became almost redundant; I scooted to the French Boulevards lest the dashing sun glasses should turn into a liability; but it was already too late: the sun had eclipsed, and the pretty girl had moved into the Aurbindo Ashram for devotion, where I was denied entry for I wasn’t devoted enough (towards Aurbindo of course).

So, finally, I sauntered to the corner kiosk at Bharti Park via the Beach Road; this time the idli was available, but my devotion was clearly misplaced, or, may be not: the Tamil idli was certainly delicious.

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Text: Ankur Mutreja
Publication Date: 01-30-2016

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