My love,

Our phone call was interrupted and we never spoke again. I decided to publish this letter in open cyberspace so maybe you will see it and know the truth.

Fear is the worst and cruelest of all enemies, my love. It is strong and cunning and knows how to win easily. You were afraid of loving me and Fear knew it. You thought because I am strong and independent and a bad cook, I could not love. Really love you. Wrong my love, I have oceans of love and they were waiting for you to want to swim on them.

What separated us was not the absence of love but the presence of fear. Two people who love each other have been separated by fear. How sad.

I took you into my life completely, with everything you brought with you. I took you in with the successes and the failures, the good and the bad. I took you with Fear too since I was sure you would not fear me. You would be able to recognize and feel the love in me, the love I was putting in your hands.

My arms were wide open to let you in with everything, bitterness included because it was part of you. I used love as balm for your wounded soul. Why wasn’t all this enough? Love is not enough? If love is not enough, what is?!

I gave you my smiles, my kisses, my caresses, my heart and my soul. I gave you my body without reserve, without leaving anything for myself. Our first night was magical, an Indian summer night. You drove and we spoke softly, a bit embarrassed. We knew in a few minutes we would be in each other’s arms. It was wonderful, it was sweet, it was passion and love.

In those days, the days before Fear closed the door on us, I used to watch you sleep. I hugged you and stayed very quiet, barely breathing, watching you fall asleep. Fear ran after you even there and you fought with it. I saw Fear trying to get to you in the vulnerability of sleep and caressed your forehead, your cheeks, kissed your eyes and chased fear away. Little by little you returned to your safe dreams in my arms and went to sleep peacefully. In your sleep, you kept looking for me, making sure I was there. Left leg would land on my body trying to drag me closer to you. Your hand would grope for some part of me and finding it, would hold tight. You will never know how many times I slept with your hand on my face and breathed only in the morning, after you woke up.

Time went by and I saw the first smile, heard the first laugh, saw the joy in your eyes. I was sure together we managed to close the door on Fear and left it without any keys to open it. I felt at the top of the world. You were my sunrise and my sunset; I felt I was walking a dream every time your arms were around me, holding me. I loved and love you so much.

Why couldn’t so much love make Fear go away for ever?

Fear killed the dream.

I wanted you to come and take me into your life.

I called.

Fear answered and the call ended.


Anna Maria

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Publication Date: 03-14-2009

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