BookRix

Please update this book I want to know what happens please.

please continue the story and make a sequeld

im on chapter four and i love it so far its great and please make a seqal

WHY DID YOU PUT THE LYRICS TO "LET IT GO" GOODNESS I HAD TO SING ALONG AND MY PARENTS GAVE ME A WEIRD LOOK
XDD
But seriously, it would be better to remove the lyrics and the link to the Tumblr picture. It distracts from the actual story. Although I see how the song relates to your character, it's kind of an awkward thing to stick in the middle of a story. There's better ways to show your character's feelings, such as body language.
Also, it would be better to keep it to just ONE first-person point of view, or tell the story completely in third-person (he, she, it, etc.) Switching the point of view makes reading very rough and doesn't let the prose flow as it should.
One of the major problems was inconsistent tense. From the first paragraph onward I noticed you were switching between past tense and present tense. Make sure all of your verbs are consistent with ONE tense! (For me, past-tense is easier for both first and third-person.)
Set the scene: describe what's happening AROUND the characters as well as what they do to the environment. Make sure to set the scene every time the characters move to another setting (like from the carnival to the house, etc.) What is different? New sounds, new smells? What looks different? How does the character feel in the new setting compared to the old one? Be descriptive, but make sure not to go too overboard.
("Bite the dust" means to die. I hope Arriane didn't actually mean that! XD)
Additionally, it would be better to avoid using brand names such as "Toaster Strudels" for copyright issues, and also it brings too much attention to the product because it stands out instead of being just a background object.
And for the most serious part: the language. I would avoid using terms such as "gypsy" and "eye-raping". "Gypsy" is actually a slur (long history, I'll explain later if you need me to), and "eye-raping" is just a very crude term that makes the word "rape" a casual thing to say. I am very much against devaluing a word for a crime so severe. Perhaps you could use "elevator eyes" or something else. Just don't make rape a casual term, please.
Anyways, you should also avoid using slashes / because they're not used in speech. Think of your prose as something you would read out loud like a storybook.
Wow that was long. XP If you have any questions, feel free to ask!