BookRix

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In time I think you are going to make an excellent writer. The changes to Hollys Story were very effective. The thing I like the most about you is that you took the criticism and used it. Most writers, or any artist for that matter, take constructive criticism very hard and it makes them angry or resentful. I have been one of those people and I admit it freely. I let ego get in the way many times in my life especially when I was your age. I knew better than everyone else and you could not tell me different. As a result I was slow to evolve. You on the other hand have already grasped the concept and are open to help from others. You will grow much faster than I did and you will likely hone your craft to a fine point because of it. But I will say that you should always give criticism its due weight on a case by case basis because even people who have no idea what they are talking about have opinions on everything. Take a look at their work before you take their advice. That includes me because I am the first to admit that I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. However I do genuinely want to help when I find a writer that I like and I think that you have potential. I even asked my best friend to take a look at your stuff. She is the closest thing to an expert that I personally know. She is under the user name Brutally Honest here on bookrix. She is not a writer just a reader but take a look at her profile and you will see why she is a good source of literary wisdom. She can really help you. But overall I would say that you are off to a pretty good start. Dennis

I really love this story. It is so emotional. I hope you add more to the story. :)

You used an unusual format for writing this story. Unfortunately I had to re-read several times to catch the changes.

But it was an interesting story, different. Needs some tweaking. Keep writing. Robynn

this book is amazing

I see the emotion that is trying to come through the writers hand but there are some changes that you could consider.
I am the last person in the world who would suggest to a writer that they might benefit from a rewrite but I feel that in this case the story would be a little easier on the reader if were not in script form. It is written in the form of a movie or screen play for the most part.
I would think it would be easier for the reader and potentially easier for the writer to tell the story in first or third person. Most likely first person would suit your needs better than third for this particular story. You have solid characters and you obviously know what you want to say so just consider a possible rewrite. Try to find a short story or two with similar elements and study them a little. If it appeals to you or you really like the way it flows then try to see what about that story makes it good. "What did you like about it?" and use it as a basis for your rewrite. You have what it takes. Dennis

I see the emotion that is trying to come through the writers hand but there are some changes that you could consider.
I am the last person in the world who would suggest to a writer that they might benefit from a rewrite but I feel that in this case the story would be a little easier on the reader if were not in script form. It is written in the form of a movie or screen play for the most part.
I would think it would be easier for the reader and potentially easier for the writer to tell the story in first or third person. Most likely first person would suit your needs better than third for this particular story. You have solid characters and you obviously know what you want to say so just consider a possible rewrite. Try to find a short story or two with similar elements and study them a little. If it appeals to you or you really like the way it flows then try to see what about that story makes it good. "What did you like about it?" and use it as a basis for your rewrite. You have what it takes. Dennis

I see the emotion that is trying to come through the writers hand but there are some changes that you could consider.
I am the last person in the world who would suggest to a writer that they might benefit from a rewrite but I feel that in this case the story would be a little easier on the reader if were not in script form. It is written in the form of a movie or screen play for the most part.
I would think it would be easier for the reader and potentially easier for the writer to tell the story in first or third person. Most likely first person would suit your needs better than third for this particular story. You have solid characters and you obviously know what you want to say so just consider a possible rewrite. Try to find a short story or two with similar elements and study them a little. If it appeals to you or you really like the way it flows then try to see what about that story makes it good. "What did you like about it?" and use it as a basis for your rewrite. You have what it takes. Dennis

I see the emotion that is trying to come through the writers hand but there are some changes that you could consider.
I am the last person in the world who would suggest to a writer that they might benefit from a rewrite but I feel that in this case the story would be a little easier on the reader if were not in script form. It is written in the form of a movie or screen play for the most part.
I would think it would be easier for the reader and potentially easier for the writer to tell the story in first or third person. Most likely first person would suit your needs better than third for this particular story. You have solid characters and you obviously know what you want to say so just consider a possible rewrite. Try to find a short story or two with similar elements and study them a little. If it appeals to you or you really like the way it flows then try to see what about that story makes it good. "What did you like about it?" and use it as a basis for your rewrite. You have what it takes. Dennis

That's a terribly sad story... Written and thought of beautifully :) Great job! Please check out my book, The Dreamer.(I'm looking for feedback) Thanks for sharing! :)
*~Jess~*