OOB#Introduction

So... I hope you'll be able to read this. Maybe. Hopefully. You'll know who you are if you are able to read it. Anyone else... I guess just enjoy.

If you're not a certain Ms. Havoc, then... you probably won't know what all this is about. Unless your name is Hay Bailes or Mac Flurry. So I'll just give a quick explanation.

This is supposed to be private. Just for me and a certain friend. But I really have no way of privately communicating with her right now, because she isn't able to respond back. So I'm hoping... maybe.. she'll be able to comment on my book or something.

You see, she's in Colorado. With some family, for a coupe weeks. And she's not allowed to contact us (her best friends), because of lots of reasons. I would tell you the reasons, but it's really none of your business. If it was your business you'd already know and I wouldn't have to explain. But she's not allowed to contact us, but we've still been sending her emails every day in case she is able to check her email. So that she knows we still love and care about her. Well, she started posting our emails in a book on here. So... I'm HOPING that that is her way of trying to say "HEY!!! TALK TO ME HERE!!" So I'm gonna give it my all.

And this is the beginning. Daily emails, that will now become chapters in my book. It's kind of like a diary. Or kind of like a notebook. Shared between two best friends because they could pass notes in class, but they just have a little bit too much to say.

So if you really want to dive into the lives of two teenage girls (well, really only one, trying desperately to communicate with the other), then go ahead. I really don't mind at all. But whether you read it or not, just remember. While it is available to you, it is not FOR you. You might not understand all the words that I use as inside jokes, and you'll just have to deal with it.

And now... It's time for me to address the person for which this book is really intended.

Enjoy.

Sincerely,

CC Raz

OOB#Days 1 and 2 without my Gwenisha

5/28

So, I know it's been a couple days and I haven't sent you anything. But I wanted to make sure that I sent you one tonight.

This morning I got up and went to the STEM camp. And, OH GWEN. There was this little boy, Dallyn, that you would have loved. He was just so adorable. I can't wait to help him with his rocket ship tomorrow. It'll be lots of fun. He was just so cute. He's one of the kids who's really smart, popular, and seems to have everything that he needs, but you know will probably be a stoner when he grows up, which is kinda sad, but... I dunno. He was awesome. He has this little lisp going on, and he's got curly blonde hair. He was adorable.

But that's not all I wanna say about STEM camp. Mr. Elinski talked to me a little about you and your situation while I was waiting for my mom to pick me up. He said he could tell that, while I was hiding everything pretty well and I seemed happy and careless while I was there, he knew that something was off. He asked me how I was doing without my partner in crime (because, you know. You and I commit all kinds of crimes. Gonna go to juvie together. You for being a runaway and me for helping a runaway). He said he talked to you at Charley's, and that you explained to him the situation. And he said that if there's anything that he can do, to let him know. And he asked if there was any way that we could get your dad to step up. So I told him that Brittainy talked to him and got him to get going on the custody stuff.

By the way... try to talk to your dad while you're there. I don't know if you'll get this at all when you're up there. But if they don't let you talk to your dad... That's bad. Not letting you see him is one thing. But not even allowing you a phone call? It would help the case out a lot. So, if you can, try to get a chance to talk to him. If they don't let you, record it with a date and everything in the notebook or on some other paper and make sure you keep it with you, because you'll need it for court. And if they don't let you, keep asking. If it's multiple times, it's even better for you. And, if they do let you talk to him, then you can get an update on what's going on there, and maybe ask him to send a message to Bailey, Jacob, and I or something, so that we hear from you too. Either way, it'll be a good thing. So, ask to talk to your dad. Every day, every other day, whatever. Just try to talk to him if you can.

Just know that we're all waiting for you down here, Gwen. You've got a lot of people who love you and care for you and are doing all that they can to help you out and get you what you need. These next couple weeks are going to be pretty stressful, not knowing what's going on with you. But we'll lean on each other and stay strong for you. Just try to talk to your dad, and pray for strnght. I know you feel like by making this choice, you are turning your back on God. But He knows your reasons and He knows how much you love Him and there is NO way that He will not give you the strength that you need to make this choice.

Love you, Gwen. Hang in there. :) I would think of more stuff to say, but I figure if you do get a chance to check your email, it'll be a short amount of time, so I should probably keep these short and sweet so you can also read Jacob and Bailey's stuff. But it doesn't mean that I don't love ya.

I'll see you soon.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Some asshole stole my kids

5/29

Just got back from STEM again. And my kids were taken from me.

Dallyn and Korbyn. Such adorable little children. They were finished with their stuff, and waiting for the next step. They were bored. So they stuck the glue sticks in their hats. And Mr. Hoffman (that man BUGS me) brought them to the hall and told Mrs. Davidson, "They were putting glue sticks in their hats so that they could steal them and take them hime, so I'm sending them home." Asshole. And then some other kid, like 30 seconds later, asked me for help. "I have no idea what to do." I asked him why he didn't pay attention and he goes, "Wel your little boyfriends were distracting me when he was giving directions so I just gave up on listening." Asshole.

Now I'm just talking to Jacob a little about your situation.

I sent an email to your dad, asking him to pass on any news about you to the three of us. I figure they might let you talk to him, but there's NO WAY that the three of us will be allowed to talk to you. I just wanna make sure that if anyone gets news of you, I hear it. You know? Yeah. Maybe I'll ask Kenny if he's talked to you or heard anything from you tomorrow at STEM. But he doesn't really like me, so... who knows how that'll go.

Alejandro says hi.

Maybe I'll send another message later tonight, but I gotta give the kids a bath.

Still praying, still staying strong. Love you, Gwen. :)

Love,
CC Raz

OOB#the child that I was

5/29

So, I have a story for you. Just close your eyes, sit back, relax... And I think you'll enjoy it. :)

In second grade, I moved to Garden Valley in the middle of February. And my new teacher, Miss Morrison (now Mrs. Brist. She's married and has gorgeous little girls) was VERY VERY VERY allergic to peanuts and peanut butter. So if we brought lunch from home, and we had a peanut butter sandwhich, we couldn't stay in the classroom to eat it- we had to go to the cafeteria (if you brought cold lunch you had a choice of eating it in the classroom or the cafeteria). Now, I usually brought lunch and ate with morgan in the classroom. But one day, Morgan forgot her lunch at home so she ate in the cafeteria. And that day, I brought a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I had forgotten. I made the (possibly) fatal (for Miss Morrison) mistake.

So everyone else went to the cafeteria but I stayed in the classroom because that's where I was used to eating. And then Miss Morrison looked at me and said, "Is that peanut butter and jelly?" And I nodded, then went back to my lunch. I thought she was going to say something like, "Good choice" or something like that. But she pointed at the door and reminded me that she didn't feel like dying that day. So I went to the cafeteria, but i didn't want to walk in in the middle of lunch. I don't know why. But I felt like it would be super embarassing. So instead, I sat at the tables outside and ate my food all alone. All alone, like a loser. Really, I wasn't a loser. Everyone in that class loved me, even though I had only been there for like 2 weeks. *sigh*

No one else knows that story. You are the only one who knows that I almost killed my teacher, and was so ridden with guilt that I couldn't bring myself to face my peers. Oh, the child that I was...

That day is surprisingly vivid in my memory. It was just after the snow had all melted. Because like two days before we hadn't been able to eat outside because the tables had snow on them. But it was still pretty cold, so no one wanted to sit outside. Poor, poor little me, shivering and all alone, dealing with the guilt of almost accidentally killing my teacher. :(

Now that I think about it, you probably shouldn't have closed your eyes earlier. Or, at least not kept them closed. Because.... well, I'm sure you know why. Then again, maybe you're up in the mountains of Colorado and the thin air is making you light-headed and stupid. If that's the case, then you shouldn't have kept your eyes closed because this is an email and you have to read it. With your eyes. :)

Well.. I gotta go now. I'm thinking I'll take the kids and the dog to the park for a little while. That'd be fun for them, don't you think? I think so. :) So... I might email you yet again tonight before I go to bed. Or not. Who knows? Maybe I'll just send you a few lyrics. :) Either way, I'll be in touch.

Love,
CC Raz

PS- I'm still talking to Jacob. He really cares about you, Gwen. And he's determined to keep you. Not in a creepy stalker way, but in a good way. Just thought I'd let you know that. :) Love ya, Gwen. Still praying, still staying strong. Love, CC Raz

PS2- "Still praying, still staying strong" is pretty much how I've answered everything the last couple days. "Cassie, how are you doing tonight?" "Still praying, still staying strong." I dunno. It fits, and it's true. So why think of a new way to say it each time?

PS3- I dunno if this means anything to you, but Jake said that he'll be praying for you too. He doesn't like you much, but he does care about you, even if he doesn't want to admit it. So, even though you don't have a big brother, you can borrow mine sometimes. If you want.

PSP- See what I did there? Except this PSP isn't portable. Unless you have a mobile device on which you can check your email. In that case, it is very portable. Well... I'm not really sure where I was going with this one. I just wanted to have a PSP. Just cuz I thought... I dunno. It really kinda amazed me. I did the second PS and thought, "I might as well go to PSP. If Sony can do it, why can't I?" I just... yeah. I'll go now.

For real this time...
Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Old memories that I can't remember

5/29

Jordyn died a couple days ago. Mom just found out today, and just came home from work and told us a little while ago.

Jordyn's parents were in the Jaycees together. Jordyn was Jake's age, and she has a little sister that's Shelsey's ago. It really bugs me now, because... that's all that I can remember about her.

She had long blonde hair.
We were together a lot. I mean, our families were. So there were a lot of times when all of us kids would be playing together.

And that's it. That's ALL that I can remember. And... that really bugs me. She's gone. And it's not like we were best friends. I haven't seen her since... I don't know. The last time we went to the Senate Campout, which was when I was six at the most. But it bugs me that I don't remember anything else. I don't remember if I liked her or if we got along or anything like that.

She died in a car crash. She wasn't drunk or drinking at all. Not high. Not texting, not touching her phone at all. She was just tired. And now she's gone.

I'm not even crying. I should be, right? I mean, I should be sad that she's dead. Because she's someone who I shared my childhood with.
But I'm not crying. I'm not really sad that she's dead. I mean, I'm sad that she's dead. But it's like if I heard on the news that a stranger just ded. I'm sad, but not the same kind of sad as someone who I know. Instead, I'm more sad that I don't remember anything about her.

Stay safe, Gwen. I don't want to lose you because of something like you were just too tired to drive. I can't... no. Because losing you would be a hell of a lot harder than hearing that Jordyn's dead. Because you are my best friend. I do remember everything about you. I love you. And I can't lose you.

Still praying, still staying strong. Now I just have extra reasons to pray.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#First text

5/29

And when the dayyylight... Comes I'll have to go. But tonight I wanna hold you so close.    I've had that some stuck in my head all morning. So I thought I'd get it stuck in your head too. Just those two lines, because I don't know the rest of the song.

OOB#Attack rat

5/30

So, Ken calls Oscar and Taz the attack rats. Of course, they are NOT rats. They are precious babies. But, in the words of one of the girls at the apartments, they "attack people with love." Now... for the most part, I would agree. But they don't like Lawson and Jolie. Well, Oscar doesn't. Taz hasn't been here all week.
   But... yesterday I took them to the park. And Oscar found a stick and I started playing with him with it. Then I gave the stick to Jolie and he just went and loid down and wouldn't play with her. At all. And he won't play with Lawson either. And he hates Jake.
   He just follows me around all day, and when I'm not home, Jake says he just sleeps. Why won't he let them love him?
   But I sorta like it. Like... He's my baby, and the fact that he only loves me makes me kinda happy. It's selfish, I know.

I haven't heard anything from your dad yet, so he hasn't talked to you. I didn't get a chance to talk to Kenny today. Hopefully tomorrow I'll remember. If not.... I lost my chance. Maybe I could send Cass an email asking if she's talked to you, how you're doing, etc. But I don't know if that would work. Because, A) I don't know where Cass stands on this right now. I don't know if she still thinks your mom is being ridiculous, or if she agrees with her. So she might not like that I message her. And B) If you're talking to your mom, you'll be acting about how everything is. You'll say that everything's just fine, even if it isn't. Maybe it is. Maybe they're being really nice and understanding. But... I dunno. Even if they are being nice and understanding, you're still cut off from every support system you have. That is, except for God. He's definitely your biggest one, and that's how it should be. But He's not the only one who helps you through things, and He doesn't always give that immediate, obvious feedback that you get from people (not that it's bad... just sometimes as a human it helps more to be able to hug someone, or just have them hold you, feel them next to you). I don't really know where I'm going with this though.
I'll think about sending Cass an email. Who knows.

One thing is bugging me. The other day I went to check your email. And you had a couple messages from Jacob that had been sent after your phone was taken away and after you were in Colorado. And they were marked as read. I figured, that could be really good, or it could be bad.
It's really good if it was you that checked it. That means you have some oppotunity to check your email, but not reply (when I saw that they were read, I went to check your sent messages and you hadn't replies to Jacob). That means that we don't get feedback on how you're doing, but you still get to hear a little about what's going on here, you know?
But it's really bad if you don't have a chance to check it. Your mom has your phone. And that phone is linked to your email. And she could be checking your email. ?? I don't know. If your mom is checking your email... it's bad. Not because she's reading the emails. At this point, it doesn't really matter. All it would show her is that we aren't giving up. She already knows about the rest of it. But... I don't know. ??

Well, I have to go now. Jake's yelling at me to watch my puppy. He's just paying on the living room floor, not doing anything wrong. But he probably has to go potty soon. So.. duty calls. I might send you more tonight. :)

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Second text

5/30

So I haven't been able to send you an email today. Wait, no. I think I did send you one today. But... one email isn't enough. Just because... You're my Gwen. And I gotta talk to you. My other half. But I'll stop with the lovey dovey. I don't know if it will help you at all or what. Just know that I do love you. And I'm thinking about you a lot. Not in a creepy stalker way. Or... maybe it is a creepy stalker way. Maybe I followed you up to Colorado and am watching your every move and I'm waiting for the perfect opportunity to kidnap you and keep you in my basement until you die. But that probably isn't the case because I don't have the gas to go to Colorado, or time. Or a basement. Well... I guess you could count Michael Wallace's apartment as my basement. But I wouldn't store you there. They probably wouldn't like that. Maybe if I stalk Hay Bailes they'll let me store her there.
Michael wouldn't have a problem with it. *thinks for a while* It's decided. I'm no longer stalking you. I'm stalking Hay Bailes now. So... gotta go. See you soon. :)

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Third text

5/31

All I want is a little of the good life
All I need to have a good time
Oh oh oh oh oh
The good life.

Ar at least a good feeling in my insides. :( I threw up today at the camp. And got puke on my pants too. Ew. But it's all good now because I changed my pants. And now we're heading to Ken's. I think I'm just going to sleep when we get there.

OOB#Fourth text

5/31

Threw up at the stem camp and so I went home and went to sleep. It's 4:30 now and I still don't feel too well. :( I don't really ahve much else to say because I've been asleep all day. So I'll talk to you again later.

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Fifth text

6/1

I'm pretty sure that my mascara is melting. It's supposed to get up to 109 in Wickenburg today. And I've been in Phx all day. Yay. I love it when my body shrivels up and dies because of the heat. And they didn't even have the ac on in Walmart. I'm surprised our milk didn't curdle in the parking lot on the way to the car.

But I also have something that made my day. You know how I didn't get Hay Bailes anything for her birthday, but I said I would eventually? Well... I finally found something worthy of the raging carrot whore. So let me tell you the story...
Yesterday she was talking about how stupid of a name corn is for a band. I told her it's actually spelled Korn, and she said, "Okay so now we're a stupid vegetable that can't spell" and I said "That would be like us having a band called Rajing Karott Hor"  and she decided that we should make a band with that name, despite the fact that we have no musical talents or abilities whatsoever. She said "We can play the carrot and the asparagus and play in the name of awesome!" but she couldn't tell me what sound they made. Because... they're vegetables. Ya know. But today we were at Petsmart. And I found a dog toy that is a carrot. :) So I bought it, and at Walmart I got a birthday card and a bag... And when we get back to Ken's I'm going to write "Rajing Karott Hor" on it, and give it to her. I figure it's a pretty good birthday present, even if it is several months late. :)

I was talking to Jacob last night. He asked me if I believe in the zodiak signs... He was saying that he's water and you're fire but it says that if you work together and talk about everything it'll all work out. I tried to explain that yeah a lot of times they sound right because it's vague. But how many times are they not right? Plus I believe in free will and to me, zodiak signs don't really shout "FREE WILL". But maybe that's just me.

Still waitng to hear from you. When we get home on Sunday I'll check my email to see if you've had a chance to quickly send a short email to the three of us, or if your dad got a chance to talk to you (because he said if he heard from you he'd let us know) or something. And maybe I'll check your email again to see if you've read anymore but not been able to respond or something. You know? I don't know. I'm just trying to stay optimistic about this whole thing. I wasn't able to talk to Kenny though. I finally remembered about it yesterday, and I couldn't find him. I looked at each of those kids in the 5-6 grade group at least 3 times and none of them were Kenny. So that was really disappointing. But I'm sure you'll find a way around everything so you can contact us somehow. You always have found a way.

So I have a question. Does it count as spontaneous combustion if it's just so farming hot outside that things just catch fire? Or would that not be spontaneous because ir had the heat from the sun beating down and all that? Just a question. You don't really have to answer it.

Well, we're back at Ken's now so I have to take care of my dogs and Mom is probably gonna have the kids take a nap so I'll help her get them to stay in the room and all that. So... I'll talk to you later.

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Scattered thoughts. Lots of them.

6/2

More emails have been read. Halfway through Thursday. Hopefully, it's you who's reading the messages and not your mom. I sure hope so. :) I like to think that you're getting some word from us, and laughing at Bailey's emails (because I'm sure they're hilarious- Hay Bailes always is), smiling at Jacob's sweet emails (because what would his emails be besides sweet and caring?) and hopefully smiling at the random topics that I find to bring up. And did I totally hit the nail on the head with my description of Bailey and Jacob's emails? Of course I did. Because I'm awesome. No wonder you love me so much.
But I'm pretty sure it's you checking the emails, not your mom. If it were your mom, she'd be checking every day, and probably deleting them. She wouldn't be checking every 2 or 3 days, and just leaving them there to sit and wait for you to find a way to check them. You know? Does that make sense?

Last night, I stayed the night at Ken's son and daughter-in-law's house. They have a son who Lawson and Jolie like to play with (he calls them Dawson and Julie), so the kids went to spend the night, and she said that I could come over for some steak and watch a movie with them, and then I could just stay the night. I figured it was WAAAY better than having fish for dinner and listening to my mom say gross things to Ken.Ew. So I went over...  And Amy is just as crazy as Bailey's Crazy Amy. All 3 of her dogs have middle names. Jackson Goliath, Tido... I don't remember Tido's middle name, and I don't remember the third dog's name at all. Who gives their dogs middle names? Crazy, crazy woman.

Harvey's funeral is today. I don't have to go, since I'm watching the kids. And since I didn't really know Harvey. He's my uncle Jeff's dad. His real dad. Jeff's had several step dads throughout his life. But Harvey died like a month and a half ago. So I was really freaked out that his funeral was today. But he was creamated, so it's not a big deal. But can you imagine keeping a body that long? The family had so much stuff to deal with right after he died, so they just put it off.

How are you doing? You probably won't be able to answer that question. But I feel bad because, in all the emails, I've told you how I'm doing, but haven't asked you. It's not because I don't care, but because I figure you won't be able to answer so why bother? But I felt like I shoud start asking you. Because I really do want to know.

Have you spent any time with Chase? I know that you had fun with him in NY, so maybe you guys have hung out a little while you've been up there. Better than sitting there all alone, right? And I'm sure your mom would NOT be opposed to letting you see him. Actually, I feel like since she knows about Jacob, she'd push it even more. So I'd like to think that you get a little bit of freedom, hanging out with Chase. I hope you're having SOME fun, whether it's with Chase or someone else. Keep busy, by girl.

You're probably enjoying the not-so-scalding heat up there. It was 109 degrees at 10:30 today. HOT. But that was out at Ken's house. As we traveled back to Wickenburg it cooled down quite a bit. But now it's the hottest part of the day, so it's hot again. I'm enjoying the AC. What is the tempurature like up there? I know that in Idaho it was REALLY hot if it got up to 95. But Colorado is still a little farther south than Idaho, so it's probably a little higher than that. Well, maybe in late July and August. Early June, it's probably pretty cool. Maybe late 80s, low 90s? Or maybe I'm way off. I could look it up on the internet, but... eh. I don't care THAT much. This computer's too slow to be running more than one tab at a time. Speaking of the heat, you might not ever hear from Bailey again. She's stuck cleaning her dad's truck. It's over 100 degrees, she's sunburned, and she says it hasn't been cleaned in 20 years so who knows what kind of trash monsters were born. She'll either get eaten, or shrivel up and become a raisin. Neither of those sound like great options, but... I think that's all that she has. I just thought that I'd let you know, in case you think you haven't heard from her because she decided to drop you on your ass. Because.... that just won't happen. But hopefully you know that.

And I gotta go now. Got kids to take care of, and I should probably take the dog out. I'll email you again tomorrow, but it won't be until the evening. We have cheer practice from 9-5. Whew. I have no idea what she plans to do with us for that long. We are going to be EXHAUSTED. I will sleep REALLY well tomorrow night. But I'll still send you something, even if it's just a quick text message to your email. You'll get something. :) And I'll probably send you something more tonight.

I gotta go now. For real this time. Mom just called and needs me to go pick her up from the funeral.

Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Sixth text

6/2

Oh, Gwen. :) I dunno. I'm tired. It's only 9:30 but I just feel so tired. But in 11 1/2 hours I start my 8 hour cheer practice. What are we even going to do for 8 hours? I mean, come on. It's ridiculous. But I guess we'll see. I'll just want to sleep about halfway through. 8 hours is a long time to cheer. And dance. And stunt. And whatever the hell else we'll be doing. She said we'll start out with a workout. DUnno what Julynn's workouts consist of. But I don't think we'll last all day. I mean... Really? I dunno. I feel like if we're practicing for 8 hours a day we should at least be going to competition. I have to remember to find out what days we'll be having practice regularly after the first couple weeks, and what times (the first couple weeks is our skills camp or whatever). Because then I have to tell Pam when I am available to work. Wow. I'm gonna have a full summer.

I gotta go now. I'm falling asleep. Which is ridiculous because of how early it is. But... yeah. I'll send you something tomorrow. Hopefully it'll actually be something that's not me rampling on uselessly about nothing.

I hope you're having a good time. Keep praying for strength from God, because that's a source that you can ALWAYS rely on. :)

Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Bookrix?

6/3

There might be a good sign. Bailey said that she found the book onbookrix with all of our emails to you in it. So that means that you'regetting them. I haven't had a chance to read it yet because I'm at mynana's house for the night and her computer won't let me log in toBookRix, and so then it won't let me read the book. So I'll just readit in the morning and send you an email then.

Now... why aren't you replying? I know that whatever time you haveonline you have to be careful. But SOMETHING. The BookRix thing isgood, but... I don't know. All it tells us is that you're getting theemails. But if you have time to post them on there, why don't you havetime to reply to us? Even if it's just a "Hey I'm fine I love you guysmud" kind of thing. Every day that I don't hear from you... it scaresme. I have no idea what's going on with you. And it scares me.Especially up in Colorado... I know you're around people who are olderthan 21, so they can easily get some weed and I just don't want you tolose Gwen.
JK. I know that wouldn't happen. That is NOT what I'm worried about.But Mr. Elinski and I were joking about that last week. "Cassie, youknow she's fine up there. Colorado? She's got access to weed. Whatteenager wouldn't love it?" Something along those lines.

Sorry I only sent you one email yesterday. And maybe a text message? Idon't remember if I actually sent it before going to bed or not. Ihope so. I'll check in a little while.And sorry I haven't had a chance to really email you today before now.But you know. I've been busy. Tomorrow, though, you'll probably begetting a ton again. It's hard not talking to you. I miss my otherhalf.

Just for the record... You know how when you get married, that personis supposed to be your other half? Well... Uh uh. Your half is taken.And let's say you get married to Jacob. And he claims that he's yourother half.
Jacob= Gwen's other half
Cassie= Gwen's other half
Jacob=Cassie
No offense, but... I don't want to be Jacob. He's a boy and... I really don't want to have to participate in the conversations he wouldhave with KC. Just.. No. So... just so we're clear... I'm your otherhalf. And Jacob can just be your husband who you love dearly. But...No. I just couldn't do it, Gwen. I refuse to become a boy, even foryou.
Plus, it would make it REALLY awkward when you go in for a kiss.

I gotta go now. Nana's kicking me off the computer. We're gonna watcha movie instead. So I'll just text you an email with the rest of thestuff. :)

Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Seventh text

6/3

Seriously. Talk to me. Now that I know you can... You need to. Because now there's a whole new set of worries that keep popping up. I'm not trying to stress you out or anything. But I need to hear from you.

I had a bunch of other things I wanted to tell you. But I can't remember. So I'll just send it to you when I remember.
Just remember that I still love ya. And I don't wanna lose your love toniiiiight. I just wanna use your love toniiiiiight.
because pengwens on a vacation far away. Cant come around and talk it over. Got so many things that I wanna say. You know I like my girls a little bit older. And I don't wanna lose your love tonight. I just wanna use your love tonight.

but I really am not gonna use it. I am telling the truth though when I say I don't wanna lose your love. But it's not the same kinda love as the guy in the song is talking about. :)

I gotta go right now. I'll send you something more in a little while.

I love ya Pengwen

still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Flutterby

6/4

Once I find a computer that works, I am going to post a book onbookrix that has all my emails to you on it. Because... maybe youposting that book is your way of saying that's where we can contactyou? I don't know. I HAVE NO IDEA. But I'm going to try it. I'llprobably still send them to your email. But I also want to send themto you on BookRix. Not send them to you, but make them available toyou on there. If maybe you can comment on the book or something? Idon't know. There's just so much of this that doesn't make any senseto me.

We now know that YOU are getting the emails. And that you're able topost them on BookRix. So you obviously are having quite a bit of timeonline. And... we aren't hearing from you. THAT is what's driving menuts the most. The fact that I can think of SOOOO many ways that youcould communicate to us. Through BookRix especially. And you're notdoing it? Why? I honestly would NOT be surprised if that was the causeof my hives (which, by the way, were completely gone by the time Iwoke up this morning. But now they're back again. ??). It scares me somuch. Are you not replying because you can't or because you don't wantto? Why would your family LET you check your email and LET you poststuff on BookRix? If you were told no technology, I assume they wouldhold you to that. But if you're doing all this in secret, then whyaren't you saying SOMETHING? Just read one less email and send us alla short one or something. SOMETHING. I don't know. None of it makes sense to me.
The part that scares me is that you don't want to contact us. I am scared that your mother's plan worked. And I hope and I pray SO hardthat that is not the case. But... what am I supposed to think? You'resmart and you find ways to communicate. I even tried thinking that thetitle of your book (those random letters) aren't really so random, andthat they are really an acronym. But I couldn't find anything thatthey would mean that would make any sense. I just... I don't know. Iam just freaking out here.
I'm not trying to put more stress on you by saying this. But Gwen. I.NEED. to hear from you. I was bawling this morning because I haven'theard from you other than the book. But that just stresses me out evenmore because it brings out SO MANY new questions that outnumber theones I had before. Every fact is a puzzle piece. But they don't fittogether.

Your mom said no technology.
You found technology. You have access
.This means that:
You are sneaking it. Or
They let you check your email and post on BookRix

But if you're sneaking it, it doesn't fit with the fact that you're not responding.
And WHY THE HELL would they allow you to do that? If they're breakingyour mom's rule, you'd think that they'd let you send SOMETHING, atleast so we know you're still our Gwen. But they wouldn't allow you todo it at all because that would break your mom's trust.

None of it makes sense. AT ALL. And it's causing me to burst intotears and get hives and it's all I can think about. At all.

As soon as I get a computer that works with BookRix (all the computersI have access to right now only have Internet Explorer, and thatreally isn't too compatible with BookRix. So there are differentreasons why I can't download any other browser for several reasons andit just is overall not working), I'll start putting my emails andstuff in there, as well as sending them to your email.Until then... I'll be waiting for an answer. Something. Anything. Asmiley face. A frowny face. A simple "mud" even. Just SOMETHING. Ineed to hear from you, if you can. If you can't, I trust that there'sa really good reason. And that the only reason why it doesn't makesense to me is because of some giant chunk of knowledge that I'mmissing, and I'm sure you'll explain it to me when you get back.

Still waiting. Anxiously.
Still praying, still doing my best to stay strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Bi, not di

6/4

On a lighter note (bi, hydrogen, lighter... *cue Mr. Thomas flippinghis wrist like he always did when people got bi and di confused*),that won't make us di(e)...

Bailey and I hung out today. :) We ended up going to Surprise withNana because Nana had to go down there but she didn't want to goalone. So we went and had lots of fun. And we were at Hobby Lobby inthe card section... Brian Regan would have had a hay day (I don'tunderstand that phrase) with this section. Sadly, we did not find anOld Baby section. However... We did find (and I have pictures- I'llsend them later):
Belated Birthday
Loss of Pet
If We Could Have Coffee
Life Change
Coping With Cancer
I Can Relate
You Make a Difference
Job Stress
Divorce/Separation
Baby Special Day
Stepping Out in Faith
Youth Pastor Appreciation
Women in Ministry
Love Birthday
On Your Side
Don't Worry
Life is Messy
Stay Strong
Christian Father
Dad- Witness
Pretty. Dang. Cool. Don'tcha think?

My nana gave me some meds for the hives. But they're making me sleepy.Which sucks. Because I have a feeling that Oscar will be up all night.I have that feeling because I have a feeling that he's been in thecage all day, because no one wants to take care of him. And he'd notpotty trained yet, so if you aren't watching him, you might step insomething. So, pretty much I don't like leaving him. Because I don'tlike the thought of him being all alone all day, in that littlekennel. He needs to go out and play a little. You know?

Mom's gonna be here soon to pick me up (I'm at Nana's again). But I'lltalk to you again soon. Maybe tonight. Or at like 2 AM because I'll beawake because I'll probably fall asleep as soon as I get home at like8:30.

Legs are super sore from stunting. But it feels awesome. :)

Gotta go. Love you

Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Eighth text

6/4

OOB#Hives
I have hives. Bad. It looks like I have some gross skin disease. Or burn scars from when I was really little. But it's only on my stomach, sides, thighs, and wrists. Wierd. It's probably on my arms too, it just hasn't showed up yet. I dunno. They aren't itchy so far. But it'll prolly come soon. Good thing I don't have practice tomorrow. I have a hunch that I won't be up to it.
But DANG! I was gonna go to Bailey's house tomorrow. I hope I still can.
I'm trying to think of what would have caused these.
1. It could be the soap I used today. After practice I came to my nanas. Showered here and used some soap that I've never used before. So it could just be a reaction to that. But I've gotten hives as a reaction to soap or detergent before. And it takes more than a couple hours. At least it always has in the past. Sometimes its even taken a couple days. But I dunno. I haven't gotten hives in several years. So maybe it's different now after puberty or something.
2. Stress. But what am I stressed about? You. Of course. But I've been stressed about you for a loooooong time. Months. Why would I be getting hives now? And what else? Shelsey. Whether being at dad's house is gonna be good for her. If she'll be okay. If mom will be okay. All that stuff. But... Would that give me hives? I've been more stressed about more things before. Especially because with these problems I've kinda just been ignoring it and only looking at the good parts of this (get my own room. And with you.... Wel I know you're getting our emials. That's good). So I'm not really stressed out. I am, but I'm ignoring it. Could that give me hives?

I don't know. I give up. The fact is that I have hives.

And now that I've informed you of my skin problems, I'll go to bed. Because it's late and I'm tired. So Goodnight Pengwen.

One week down. I'll see you soon. Love you. Just keep praying and you gotta keep your head up (hey ey).

Still praying, still staying strong
Every day
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Ninth text

6/4

Just wanted to say goodnight. The kids and I are all in here listening to lullaby. :) nice and calming.
i'm falling asleep so this won't be long.
Just wanted to tell you g'night

Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Tenth text

6/5

Hey there. Sorry I haven't sent anything to you today. I haven't been home at all, except for this morning, and I had to get ready and take care of the puppy and all that.I'm about to fall asleep though. I just wanted to tell you g'night. But I promise that tomorrow, I'll send you some more stuff. More than just this little text message. I don't have anything planned for tomorrow, except I have to meet with Diana and Gema about the Stuebenville thing in July.
But that won't take long.
I'm thinking that I'll grab a box and put the rest of Shelsey's crap in it. The whole top shelf of the closet is full of it. And I have things that need to go in there. Plus I wanna move your stuff out of the living room. Because it's just sitting there and the kids can get into it, or Oscar. I don't let him go over there. But... If I'm not home and someone else lets him run around the apartment, I can't trust that they'll watch him and make sure he stays out of your stuff. So I wanna get that off the floor.
I'm staying the night with my aunt tonight. Lately... I dunno. I just don't wanna go home. Like... I want to go to bed because I'm exhausted. But I just don't wanna be home. Monday I stayed with Nana, yesterday I was in Phx all day, and today I had practice, came home to shower, then left. But I guess tomorrow I'll need to stay home. Because I have lots that I need to do. I have to move all my stuff. It's just... I don't really want to move it all because there's no place for me to put it until Jake moves out (which was supposed to happen this week, it didn't) and we move the kids into his room. But right now I'm half in one room and half in the other and it's kinda annoying. But I'll deal with it. It won't be like that for long
I hope you're doing okay. Finding out ways to read our emails, maybe finding a way to contact us. There must be a big fact that I don't know. Because nothing makes sense
.Gotta go. Running out of logs.

Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Been a while

6/6

So... I know it's been a few days since I actually sent you something worth reading. At least, it feels like it's been a few days.
   Basically, I am exhausted. It's been a LONG week. This morning I started beating a cardboard box because it was too big to bring it out of my closet. Like the box can really help it. It's not like he could go on a diet or start excercising. And then I had to put all of Shelsey's stuff in bags because she didn't do it and I'm tired of looking at it. Wait. I just called a box "he". Yeah. I need some sleep. But I have no time for sleep. Which is exactly why I'm so tired. I have so much to do and no time to do it and no motivation and it's just AHHHH. It's a disaster, really. But I'll figure it out. Eventually. I'll have to.
   I'm really ready for summer to actually start. When I don't have something going on every day and I can just relax. Isn't that what summer's supposed to be for? To relax? I thought so.
   I'll be right back. I have to go do something.

I'm back. And now... for an update on the last couple days (since I really haven't been clear on what I've done).
On Tuesday, I went to Surprise with Bailey and Nana. We basically just went to the mall. And Hobby Lobby (where we saw all the card categories. :D). And at the mall, we went to Forever 21. My aunt always gets me gift cards for there. Like... ALL the time. Christmas and birthdays. But I don't wear those clothes. So I got like 7 pairs of sunglasses for Shelsey, and a bunch of jewelry. I figure... if she's nice to me, I can reward her. You know? Yeah. The whole time, Bailey just kinda looked at me like I was crazy. Oh well. She was bound to figure it out eventually.
Then yesterday we had practice from 9-5. Again. GOSH. That is SO long. I was so exhausted by the end of the day. But then I went over to Aunt Stephanie's house and watched a movie. We watched Trouble with the Curve. It's with Clint Eastwood. I like him. He's pretty cool. He's getting old though.
But then I just went to bed and she took me home this morning on her way to work.
   My mom just texted me. I guess she saw your mom at the post office. Well.. that means that my mom is still alive. And that your mother did not maul her. Because.. you know. She hates my mom. And me. I can see why she would hate my mom. Obviously, I think that my mom was justified in what she did. And any other sane person would think so too. But your mom isn't sane and she thinks she's doing things right, so obviously she would hate my mom. But whatever. Not really that big of a deal, I guess. At least, not right now.
   I just sneezed like 10 times in a row. Gross.
   So, I guess Shelsey's been getting in tons of facebook fights. It's really irritating. She can be kinda... really stupid sometimes. Like.. she's trying to intimidate someone (because apparently they are going to fight each other next time she's in town), so she informs Cheyenne of where she learned how to fight. Know where she learned? Watching Criminal Minds. OOOh, yeah. Real tough. You learn how to fight by sitting on your butt and watching actors fight fake fights. That's like saying you learned how to play soccer by watching Phineas and Ferb in their X7 field. RIDICULOUS. I should not have to deal with that kind of stuff. You know?
Let me be myself
So I can shine
With my own light
   Well.. I don't really have much else to say right now. So just stay strong, keep being the Pengwen that we all know and love. Because... IMNERHO, she's a pretty awesome person. Beautiful, smart, strong, funny, strong in her faith... Just all-around awesome. :)

Love you!
Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Not as busy today

6/7

Today isn't as busy as the rest of the week. Well, I guess it's just as busy as Monday and Wednesday are. It just doesn't start until 1, instead of 9.
   I have all morning to kill, and I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe clean the kitchen. It's not too bad. But it wasn't cleaned yesterday. Or maybe I'll get all of Lawson and Jolie's stuff organized so it's easier to move it over? No. That's not my job. Plus, I don't know if Mom is even keeping most of the stuff that we have in there. As far as I know, she could be getting rid of half of it. She does that every time we move. Each time we move, we have less and less stuff to move because she makes us all get rid of everything that we don't absolutely need. Of course, she doesn't have to. She still has stuff in her closet that she hasn't worn since we lived in Idaho.

It's only 8 in the morning. I've been up for 3 hours. In the summer time. Ew. It's all Oscar's fault. He wakes me up every morning. Usually it's not until 6:30, but today it was at 5. So awesome. But he's adorable so it's okay. And I guess if I had to have someone carry me downstairs to go pee in the morning, I'd be waking them up when I woke up, not waiting for them to wake me up. So I can't blame him.

I woke up this morning and Alejandro was laying in the middle of my living room floor. Awesome. And last night, I was sleeping and I woke up because my hand felt all weird. Because he was like poking my hand, and taking one finger and running it down my palm, and all kinds of weird stuff. It  was... weird. Then he realized I was awake, started talking, but I was asleep before he got the third word out. I hope he wasn't telling me that his mom died or something. But I highly doubt that that was is.

So... how's Colorado? It's been in the hundreds every day here. Cheyenne was talking about one of her friends who was in Colorado for the last two weeks and I guess he said that it was in the 70s all week there. So you have it pretty dang easy. One good thing about the heat, though, is that kids aren't running around the apartments all day. I can back out of the parking space at 1 in the afternoon without worrying about hitting kids. And I don't have to hear them all day long. Life is gooood.
   I hope you're not miserable. I hope that, even though the situation isn't ideal, that you're still having some fun. But I know that you're not sitting around all day moping. Because that would NOT be like you AT ALL.

I had a dream last night, where you were back. And I asked you why you hadn't ever replied to us at all. You just kinda shrugged. And then I asked you if they let you get on your email and read all the emails. And you said yes. I asked if they let you reply to them, and you said yes. And then I asked, "If they let you reply to them, why didn't you?" You just kinda smiled (not a happy smile, but one of those smiles that you use when you're kinda looking up at the sky and asking God, "Why do I have to listen to this person ask this stupid question?" because the answer seems so obvious to you. I dunno if that makes any sense) and said, "I don't know, Cassie! What was I supposed to say?"
   It REALLY bugged me. A lot. Because... What am I supposed to say? I have to think and think and think about things to say to you so that you don't feel abandoned and alone, but you just don't know what to say, so you just don't answer?!? Not that I think that's the reason that you aren't replying. Groovy Moses I hope not. Because that would just... yeah. But... that dream really bugged me. And now I'm like... all paranoid that maybe that's why you aren't saying anything to us. But seriously, I almost slapped you in my dream. But the dream ended once you said that. So you didn't get dream slapped. You totally would have deserved it, though. That was a bitchy thing to say. Even if it was in a dream.

So yesterday Bailey texted me that you updated the book on here, but you only put Jacob's emails in there. And I checked your email, and all the emails from us were deleted. You only had spam and a couple emails from us that you hadn't gotten to yet. And that... kinda bugged me. I know I'm probably just being paranoid here (all because of that stupid dream), but... It made me think that you just didn't care anymore. You made an effort to save all of Jacob's emails in your book, but then you just deleted Bailey and I's emails like it was nothing. Like you didn't care anymore, and you just didn't want to deal with them anymore. I dunno. :( I don't like this. This whole situation is just completely messed up. Even if you were in prison, you'd be able to reply to our letters and all that. And I don't know much about how things are up there. Actually, I don't know anything. So I can't figure out a reason why you aren't replying to us at all. Not being able to talk to you... it's killing me. I might as well go send emails to my dead grandpa, because I'd get just as much conversation out of him.
   I know you're probably having a hard time, and that you don't like not being able to talk to us. But... I'd give anything to switch you. You still know that we love you and care about you. You still know that we think about you every day, and that we take time out of each day to talk to you, even though we know you won't reply. You can sit back with the confidence that when you come back, you'll still have your friends.
   I don't have that. I have your boyfriend and your other best friend who I have to stay strong for. But I feel like I'm just a burden on them, because I can't handle all of this, plus Shelsey leaving, plus Jake leaving, plus my mom going to court and me having to support her, plus cheer drama, plus having to take care of the dog every single second because even though Mom asked me for the dog it's my responsibility, plus dealing with Mom and her boyfriend problems, because she doesn't have any other friends here in Wickenburg so she comes to me EVERY time something happens with Ken, and not getting any sleep. I have so much going on right now I feel terrible for making them have to support me, but I can't deal with all of that PLUS you being gone. Not on my own. But I should be the one supporting them. That's who I should be. That's who I always was. I was always the one who helped her friends, and dealt with everything else on her own. I have emails and emails that I've sent to you, sometimes more than one each day, and no reply. I have a book on bookrix where you stopped putting my emails in, and deleted them from your email account. So you can't go back and read them if you want to. They're gone forever (well.. not really because they're still in my sent box. But you don't have access to that). I have NOTHING. I don't know if you even read the emails. I don't know when you'll come back. I don't know if when you come back, you'll be you. I. Don't. Know. And it is KILLING me. I have nothing to go off of. At all. And it's not really fair for me to be unloading this all on you. But you're the first person I go to for all of my problems. For anything, you're who I go to. And it's not... None of this is fair. At all. NONE of it.

Have you been able to talk to your dad at all? I'm guessing you haven't, because he hasn't said anything to us. Does that mean you guys aren't trying to contact each other, or your family won't let you? Or maybe it's just him forgetting to let us know. ?? None of it makes sense. AT ALL.

I hope you're having fun. I'd be lying if I told you that I haven't had any fun sine school got out. With STEM, and cheer practice (which is exhausting, but I LOVE it), and going to Phx with Bailey, and playing with my puppy, and playing with the kids. I've had fun. It's okay to have fun while all this stuff is going on. And I hope you know that too. I hope that that big paragraph before doesn't make you feel guilty if you have been having fun. Because you should be.
   Have you gotten to hang out with Chase at all? I can't remember- did he know Brian Regan? If he does, you'll probably have fun quoting him together (like in 1st hour. :)). Or just... whatever you do. You'll have fun with him. Maybe youl'll get to go shopping with your aunt or something? I don't know. I hope that they aren't treating this as a punishment trip. Which.. I guess it kinda is. Your mom sent you there because she thought you were a bad kid and all that. But... Hopefully they're using more of a "Hey, Gwen, I love you, let's go have fun so you realize what a rewarding thing it is to be with your family" kind of approach as opposed to a "Gwen you're a bad kid and we're here to make sure you don't have any fun so here's your ration of bread and water today and get back in the basement" kind of thing.
   I hope you have lots of time to pray each day. Pray for strength, and pray for guidance. I know that God wouldn't tell you to stay with your mom at this point. Not because she isn't strong in her faith and a good person, but because she's not healthy, mentally. And she needs help. It's not a healthy situation for you to be in, and God knows that. He knows that you are a good person and he sees what your mother is doing and he sees how it hurts you in so many ways. Keep praying, and I know that He'll make sure you're in a healthy situation. Also, pray that your mom gets the help that she needs. In order to serve God to her best ability, and to be the best mom that she can be, and to have any sort of relationship with you, she needs to get help. God wants what's best for all of his children. And right now, until your mother gets the help that she needs, all of His children won't be getting what's best for them.
These are the things that I've been praying for.

I'm gonna go now. I think this is long enough for a 9AM email. I'll send something tonight after I get home. :)
Still praying. And for now, I'm still strong.
Love,
CC Raz

PS- None of this is supposed to be a guilt trip. The fact that I'm not just saying, "Still praying, still staying strong," and the big paragraph about how hard it all is... It's not supposed to make you feel guilty. I know you're doing all that you can. I just want to be honest with you. I don't want to say, "Still praying, still staying strong" right after I rant about how hard it is for me to stay strong. Because then it takes away the credibility. And in the emails when I do just say, "Still praying, stil staying strong" it won't seem as real. It'll seem like an act. And you deserve the truth. But I've been praying. For strength for you, and for me. I'm working on it. :) Love you, Pengwen.
Love,
CC Raz

 

OOB#Caught red handed

6/7

Every email or text that we've sent to you since you left... it's now been forwarded to your mom. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

So... Now that I know for sure that your mom is the one reading the emails... I won't be sending them to your email anymore.

Sorry that you won't be getting any emails from me anymore. And Jacob and Bailey won't be sending them either. :) Yay. I LOVE not being able to talk to my best friend.

I'll try to find some other way to get ahold of you. But I don't see that happening. You don't have facebook or anything, so email and text is all I got. Those were both taken away.

I might see you soon. Maybe not. I might never hear from you again. No matter what, just remember that I love you.

Keep praying. :) Don't lose your faith. That's what I love the most about you. :)
Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz
Cassie
Your best friend

OOB#Disregard the last email

6/7

I just emailed you something... IGNORE it. It was for your mom. I am not giving up. Jacob is not giving up. Bailey is not giving up. We are not giving up. The emails we sent... they are for your mom so that she'll leave everything alone because she'll think she's won. WE ARE NOT GIVING UP.

We're all just gonna post our emails on here, and you can read them here. I figure it's safer than the email. Your mom might have your bookrix password... I hope not. This is my last chance.

I love you. Do NOT think that we have given up on you.

I love you, Gwen. Stay strong. :)

Still praying, more determined than ever to stay strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Everyone loves Gwen

6/7

That should be the new TV show. No more Everybody Loves Raymond. Because not everyone loves Raymond. But everyone does love you.
   Kaylea asked me how you were doing and if you'll be here next year, and that it would really suck if you weren't here.
   Chandra asked how you were doing, if you'll be here next year. And then she ssaid she hopes you're here next year.
    Alejandro asked me how you're doing this morning.
    Caitlin asked me how you were doing, said she hopes you're here next year.
              Everybody. Loves. Gwen.

Don't Lie
You've got it all figured out
That smile
Has got me spinnin' around
Don't even try
Actin' like it ain't no thing
Cause I can see you movin in closer closer
Girl I gotta get to know ya know
Everything about you makes me want ya want ya
Know what you're doin baby dontcha dontcha

MMAAAAN I love this song. :)

I have tons of paint on me. :( My clothes, my hands, my arms, my legs... TONS in my hair. Nice. I'll take a shower in a little while. Until then... it'll just have to deal with it.

Tomorrow, I'm going to ride horses with Hay Bailes and Crazy Amy. I'm excited. :) It's been FOREVER since I was on a horse. Almost 3 years. CWAZY!!!!

I don't want easy
I want crazy
You with me baby
Let's be crazaaaay

Love that song too. :) Groovey Moses there are some AWESOME songs out there. :)

Well.. I woke up this morning planning to do a ton of stuff and none of it is done. So I'm gonna go do that now.
I love you, Gwen. And I'm still here. Won't be going anywhere. I'm just waiting for your return to the good ol' hick town. :) You'll love the 110 degree weather. Groovey Moses what's it going to be like in August?
I'll see you soon. :) Love yaaaaaaa!

Still praying, still staying strong (and feeling MUCH better right now. After 8 hours of distraction, I feel like I can deal with this much better. :) ).
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#OH YEAH LIFE GOES ON

6/8

Long after the thrill of livin' is gone.

:) Love music.

AND HEY!!! Little missy sent some letters! Good. :) Jacob texted us both (his username is HoneyMuffinMac, by the way) and told us that he got the letters.

I will finish this letter later.m :( My dog is FREAKING out and I need to go play with him for a little while so he calms down.

Love,
CC Raz

I'm back now. :) So... I met the famous Crazy Amy. And oh, she's crazy. She had her chaps on... so she just went right through bushes. She kept like... veering off of the trail and going straight through bushes. She would say, "You guys can go around the bushes that I go through since you don't have chaps." Well... My horse didn't really like the idea of not going right behind her horse. At all. So he just went right through the bushes. All kinds of scrapes on my arm now. :)
    She also.. I know that there were other things that she did. I just can't remember them. :( Dang. It was fun though.
   I fell off the horse. Bailey says she just saw him shake but.. I was thrown forward. It was alright though. I fell in the nice, soft sand. So it was fine. It was hilarious. Haha and Bailey was off her horse REAL quick. And then as soon as she knew that I was okay she just busted up laughing. And I don't blame her. It was funny. I'm just glad that I didn't fall into horse poop. That would have been GROSS.
    OH! Bailey asked her how she finds granola bars without nuts (I guess Amy is very allergic to nuts) and so she said, "Nutrigrain bars." And Bailey... I guess she forgot what that was, because she just kinda gave her this blank look, but then recovered when she remembered what it was. But then a couple minutes later we were sitting down eating snacks and Amy pulls out a NutriGrain bar and looks at Bailey, COMPLETELY serious, and says, "This," *kinda holds it up a little higher, as if to bask in the glory that is a NutriGrain* "is a NutriGrain bar." Bailey kinda looked at me, then looked back at her and informed her that she's sheltered, but not that sheltered. It was funny. :)
    She likes I Love Lucy, though. :) And The Andy Griffith Show. Two GREAT shows, IMNERHO.

Jenny Jenny, you're the girl for me. You don't know me but you make me so happy.    :) JENNY I GOT YOUR NUMBER! I NEED TO MAKE YOU MINE!!! I dunno. I just like this song. I've been listening to music like... NONSTOP lately. But whatever.

I gotta go. Carlos is here and he needs help with some weird errand. So I'll talk to you later. :)

Excited to read your letter tomorrow.
Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Recluse? Says who?

6/9

I worked for the first time in weeks today. I literally haven't worked since before school got out. Cool, huh? I thought so too. But it's alright I work 3 times in the next two weeks. So we'll be okay. I promise.

Jacob came by today to give e the letters that you wrote. I read the one for all three of us... It just made me sad. And feel like... I'm doing everything wrong. I don't know if these decisions that I'm making... I don't know AT ALL if they're the ones that I should be making. I just... don't know. I don't want to spend the rest of this message responding to your letter. I can do that later, I guess. But right now, I'll just say you were WAAAY off on the amount of time it takes to get a letter from Colorado toArizona. 2 1/2 days? Try 8. Not that that's your fault. But... you know. It kinda made me laugh.
    But that probably means that we won't be sending you anything while you're there. Because... I dunno. It wouldn't make it in time. And then your aunt would get it and... I just don't know if it would make your mom even madder, or what (I can just picture the conversation. It's like in cartoons when people are on the phone and there's a big diagonal line across the screen. Your aunt goes, "So, Cassidy's letter to Gwen got here today. Do you want me to send it back to you, so Gwen can have it?" Heather: Um... Cassidy never wrote her a letter. What's the address?" And then se teas it open and reads it to your mom and... yeah. I dunno.). But... I dunno. I feel like we should try. But is it worth it?

My body hurts. When I fell off the horse, he steppd on my ankle. It's not bad, but if I bend it sideways (which I sometimes do without thinking), it hurts. And my back hurts (duh). And my shouulder hurts if I have to move my arm behind my back at all. Tying and untying my apron at work today was tough. VERY tough.

I just realized that I have Mahala's notebook. Haven't written in it at all. :( Poor Mahala. But I don't know what the heck I would write about! I would just want to talk about your situation. But I don't know if that's a good idea. I've just been telling people (when they ask) that you're in Colorado visiting your aunt. But... like I can't think of anything else that I would write to Mahala about. Everything else seems so... trivial. You know? Oh well. I'll figure something out.

I've had a good day. FINALLY got to sort of sleep in. Don't get to tomorrow, though. :( Oh well. I hope your day was good. You probably went to meeting, since it's Sunday. I bet you enjoyed that. Meeting always cheers you up, makes you feel better. :)

Gosh it's cold in this house. I'm gonna go turn the air off. My hands are seriouly ice cold. Not. Cool. Jake had the AC down all the way to 68. Watchtower farms is wrong with him? That's going to drive the electricity bill WAY up.

I think that... even once I know you're back home, I'll keep writing you emails each day. It just... makes me feel better. Like... maybe, eventually you'll see it and know that you're still on my mind. That I still love you and still care about you.

And she wiiiiiiiill be loved, and she wiiiiiiiiiiill be loved! Just like Pengwen. :)

Mom just sent me a text message saying that I need to go with Jake to hang out with his friends, because I need to stop being a recluse. Let's review the last couple weeks, and the next week to come.
   The week after school, I volunteered at a camp for kids. I got to get up and be at the school by 7:30 every morning. Over the weekend, I went to Phx with Mom, when I had the option of staying home. Then, I went and stayed the night at Josh and Amy's, when I could have just gone into Steph's room and watched TV by myself, which would have been the other option.
   Monday, I had practice from 9-5. Long time. Then I went to Nana's house and stayed the night.
   Tuesday, I went to Surprise with Bailey and Nana. For most of the afternoon. 
   Wednesday, more practice. From 9-5. Again, a long time. Then I went and stayed the night with my aunt.
   Thursday... I didn't really do anything. I don't think so, at least.
   Friday, I had practic from 1-8. And I spent the morning cleaning the house so that when Mom got back from Ken's, it wouldn't be a huge mess.
    Yesterday, I woke up and was at Bailey's house at 6:50, and we went and rode horses, then I just kinda hung out at Bailey's house until 3. I came home, showered, and then went with Carlos to go sell his system (THANK GOD. I hate that thing so much). And then Carlos and I hung out until 11 at night.
    Today, I went to work. I've been busy. And have gotten almost no sleep this week. And you haven't even been home since Thursday, so how the hell would you know if I'm being a recluse? gsekgherjoht

I haven't seen my kids since Thursday. :( I miss them. Terribly. :( 4 days is a long time to not see my kids.

So... I need your opinion on something. Mom wants to sort of move in with Ken again. Not officially, because she'll still have the apartment and all her furniture would be here. But she wants to enroll the kids at Arlington, and get a job out there. But I told her thatI'm not switching schools, so I'd still be here in Wickenburg. So.. she'd only be responsible for 2 kids. Jake's leaving and she's no longer responsible for Shelsey. And I'd be here. I'm not driving back and forth every single night. Not when I have the apartment, and my aunt, and Nana and Papa. No way. So she'd just be out there in No Man's Land, and I'd be here. Pretty much on my own. It's not that I don't think I could handle it. Especially if it was just me at the apartments, I'd be perfectly fine. The mess wouldn't ever get too big (if other people are around, I don't like cleaning. But if it's just my mess that I'm surrounded by, I can take care of it. Easy). As long as I had a car. Which... would be a problem, because we only have one car. I'd go to school, go to practice, and go to work when I was scheduled. I'd be able to take care of myself, no problem.
   The part that I have a problem with is my mom being so okay with all her kids leaving. I mean.. She can't really do anything about Jake leaving. But she just let Shelsey go because she was tired of dealing with her attitude. And now she's already prepared to let me go live on my own, an hour away from her? It doesn't... I don't know. I don't know what to think. I want her to be happy, and she likes spending time with Ken. And she spends a ton of gas money driving to Ken's and back each weekend. And living there would save her money. But what about me? Why is she so willing to leave me here in Wickenburg while she goes off and has her own new little life in Wintersburg? Again, I could handle it. I've been on my own every single weekend since February. With a few exceptions. All weekend, I have to find my own transportation, make my own food, clean up, and all that. Do what needs to be done. I can do it. I even do it during the week, and take care of myself AND 3 younger children. So... I could handle it.
    But it bugs me that she's just giving up all of her children. 
    And this isn't just a thing that she's sorta, not really, but still kinda considering. No. She's turned in job applications and talked to Ken. And before she talked to Ken, she was just going to rent a house out there, so she had Amy find her houses that were cheap, that she could rent. This woman is serious.

I just feel... Lied to. Mom always said, "Dad will get custody of you kids over my dead body." Well, Dad has full physical custody of Shelsey now. She always talked about how she's not the one that left, and how she would never leave her kids. But now she's leaving me? How does that make sense?
   She knows. SHE KNOWS how much I despise my dad for leaving his kids, and giving up custody, and not being a dad anymore. SHE KNOWS how much that has hurt me. So why the HELL is she doing it to me? She's not giving up custody. But she's leaving. It's okay for her to do it because she knows I can handle it? Because I have a job and I can drive so I don't need her anymore. And no, I don't NEED her. Well, in some ways I do. Like I don't make enough to support myself. I can't pay the bills and insurance and groceries and gas, plus the necessities like tampons and toothpaste. I need her to help me with that. Since... I'm 16. Other than that... I can do it. I'm responsible and mature enough to handle it. And for bigger issues, that I can't handle on my own, I have Nana and Papa and an aunt and uncle who can come to my rescue. But seriously. I could do it. I am capable.
   But I don't want to. Because I'm 16. I do want to sort of be a kid, for the last two years that I'm able to. Before I go to college and have to take care of myself.
   I don't want to be one of those kids who lives alone. Not while I'm in high school. It would be lonely. And depressing. And wrong. If I have two parents who are perfectly healthy and able to take care of me, I shouldn't have to take care of myself. Whether I am capable or not. It shouldn't have to happen. And how would I explain the situation to people? "Oh, yeah, well my dad left with I was 12 and then when I was 16 my mom moved in with her boyfriend who lived an hour away but I didn't want to switch schools, so I was on my own, mostly."  Yeah. Because that doesn't sound bad at all. I don't like people thinking that my mom is a bad mom. She's not the best but she's been through a LOT and she' disabled and she does the best that she can. But stuff like this... it's just stupid. You do NOT leave your 16 year old child to take care of herself. You just don't. It's stupid. And wrong.
    And it's goig to hurt me. She was concerned with what Ken would think about her moving out there, even when she was going to get her own place, separate from his house. But the only thing she asked me is if I wanted to continue going to school here.
    She gets mad at my dad for living far away, when his kids live in Wickenburg and this is where our lives are. Okay. So why does she get to leave? At least Dad left his kids with an adult around. Who can... you know. Legally do things that I couldn't do, simply because I'm a minor. Mom's just leaving.

What do you think? I just... I don't know. Maybe I'll talk to her. Or write her a letter. SOMETHING. I just... I don't want to be abandoned again. Last time, I had no say in it. Now? I do. It might not change anything, but... I don't know. I don't want to be alone.

I'm gonna go now. I think that this is long enough. I know you probably won't get this for a LONG time. So I won't get an answer for a while. I just needed to talk to someone about it. And you're who I wanna talk to abou it. I could talk to Bailey about it... but... I don't know. She'd just find some positive angle to look at the situation from. And sometimes,that's great. But here... Not so much.
Just tell me what you think, K?

Still praying (about lots), still staying strong (because it's actually a lot easier than giving up).
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Divorce

6/10

I hate it when the kids notice how little we have. They usually don't notice, and just do what they can with what they have. But... My mom was just crying because she has to ask Nana for more money to pay the attorney. And Nana kept asking "Well I wanna know why it's costing so much. I wanna know what I'm paying for." And... I dunno. It just kinda escalated (that looks really wierd. Good thing this computer has spell check) until my mom was bawling. It was a mess. It was partially both of their faults. But anyway...
    Lawson asked me why Mom cries so much. That just about broke my heart. I don't want them to see Mom like that. When I was little, I NEVER saw my mom cry. The one time I saw her cry was when my grandpa died. Not even with physical pain did she ever cry in front of us. Then the divorce happened and she kinda cries all the time now. And I'm always the one there to comfort her. Jake kinda just.. stares at her. Shelsey tries to help, but she ends up just kinda hanging on Mom. And.. when you are bawling your eyes out, you don't need the extra weight of another person. I'm the one who's literally kept her from collapsing, who's had to crawl into the bathtub with her and hold her, and I'm the one who's sat in the room listening to her scream and yell at Dad, who's really not there. But this is off topic.
     When I was little, my mom never cried. And it bugs me that Lawson and Jolie won't get to look at my mom as the strong, confident woman that I always saw her as. And it killed me that he asked me about it. How do you explain that to a six-year old? I just... I don't know. I told him, "She's just hurting. Her heart hurts. You know how if someone punches you in the arm, your arm hurts? Well someone hurt her in her heart, and that makes her cry. So you need to give her lots of loves and hugs and kisses and mind her, so her heart won't hurt anymore. Like this." And then I gave him a giant bear hug and a giant kiss on the cheek to maybe get his mind onto a different topic before he asked who hurt her heart. Groovey Moses. That would be bad. But then he started talking about how the pig takes a bath in the sink (he was watching Charlotte's Web), so I could relax.

I didn't see those kids for 4 days. That is a LONG time to not see my kids. I don't know how my dad can go two weeks without seeing them or talking to them. Groovey Moses. I'm going to HATE going to college. I need my little chitlins.

I had cheer practice today, and EVERYONE asked me about my bruise. I got it when I fell off the horse on Saturday, and it's on the back of my thigh where I really can't see it. But apparently it's pretty bad. Julia said that it was so purple that she thought it was just part of my shorts. Nice. But it doesn't hurt at all. Unless someone comes up and pokes it. But... it's fine. It'll go away eventually and people will stop staring. Not like it's really an issue anyway. The only time I wear shorts short enough for anyone to see it is at cheer. And they all know the story now.

Jake's room is just always FREEZING.

My mom told me I have to quit my job. She's tired of me not being able to go out to Ken's with her on the weekends because I have to work ONE day a week. She said I'm 16 and I shouldn't have to be notified of all plans at least two weeks in advance because it's ridiculous and blah blah blah. So basically... I have no money now. Because I still have to pay for gas. And I'll have to keep withdrawing from my savings account, because I don't have a checking account. And that means that I get to pay all kinds of fines for withdrawing from my savings account. YAY!!
    Plus, I like working. I mean, I don't like having to go to work. But I like getting my paycheck and I like not feeling like a deadbeat. I figure if I'm old enough to have a job, I should have a job.
    But Mom's like, "Honey, relationships are more important to me than $20 paychecks for 2 weeks." Well first of all, I'm making more than $20 a paycheck. And... you could always stay in Wickenburg for the weekend. If Ken has the days off, he could always come out here. And he's much more capable of paying for the gas to get here than Mom is. If it's so important for her to have a relationship with me, then why is she leaving every weekend, and why is she planning on moving an hour away from me? I don't see why I have to quit my job just because she wants to go spend her weekends with Ken. GROOVEY MOSES.
    But I guess I have no say in it. Because... if I don't quit my job, she'll just get pissed off and will make me find my own transportation every time I work and it'll just be this big mess that will make me want to tear my hair out. So tomorrow after practice I'll go talk to Pam and tell her that my mom said I can't work during the summer. Maybe I can be someone who just comes in if someone needs to be covered. That might work. Just for the summer. That's what Baylor said he did before he was a regular employee. I dunno. But then... when do I decide that I can work regularly again? During football season? I won't have practice on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdya afternoons, or Sundays. But that means I have NO free time. I'd pretty much be busy every single day. I'd be exhausted. When would I do my homework? Maybe I could just tell her I could only work Saturday afternoons and Sundays. And have Tuesdays and Thursdays to relax and do my home work and rest. Or at least just have Tuesdays.
    Or during basketball season? But basketball season is even busier than football, because you have more than one game each week. I don't know. I guess I'll figure it out later. For right now... Let's just say that for the summer, I'll try to just be someone who comes in when other people can't. And I'll figure out the rest later. I hope Pam would go for that. I'll talk to her tomorrow about it.

How are you? You're probably eating dinner, or getting ready to. Or something. Speaking of that, I wonder what we're having for dinner. I'm hungry. The lunch at the school (because I had practice today) was like... They took a tortilla, put one slice of ham and one slice of cheese in it, folded it up, and cut it in half and that was it. Then they had some nasty cooked carrots. EW. So.. I'm hungry. Because I didn't have breakfast. Plus, lunch was at around 11.

I gotta go now. Mom just called me. So I'll talk to you later, darlin'. :)

Love,
CC Raz

PS- I forgot. Still praying, still staying strong. Promise. :)
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#We are

6/11

We are the ones
We are the guns
And we will ride
We are the voice of the song unsung
We are the change
We are the chains that hold us
We are the choice
We are the strong
We are one.
       I really like that song. It's by Thousand Foot Krutch. I've been kinda listening to it nonstop lately.

I need my mom to hurry up and wake up. She has the bedroom door locked. But I have things that I need to get out of there. And eventually I have to go to the bank and to the store and to practice, so I need the keys. But practice isn't until noon. It's only 9. And I can always go to the bank after practice. But I do need to go to Alco before practice. I need to get new shorts for cheer. I only have one pair now. I don't know what happened to the other pairs. At one point I had like 11. Don't know why I had so many. But oh well. I just need to run in real quick and get a couple pairs.

"N Y P D. That means I will (k)nock your punk-ass down." Will Smith is actually pretty cool. He's just kinda a little badass. The kids are in the other room watching Men in Black. That's why I mentioned this. It wasn't because I randomly decided to bring Will Smith into the conversation.

Yesterday at practice, Michaela was talking about how no celebrity's kids are ever famous. Uh... Jaden Smith? Willow Smith? EVERYONE knows who they are. Chandra said Kelly Osbourne, but she's not famous. Everyone just knows her because of her dad. But Jaden acts and Willow sings. Well... she kinda sings. She kinda just whips her hair back and forth and gets paint all over the walls and makes a pretty big mess. But she has talent. Have you ever heard her sing? For someone who's like 8, she's pretty good. And Jaden Smith is ADORABLE in The Pursuit of Happyness. :)
    One thing I noticed likt 2 years ago... Will Smith's wife's name is Jade (I think. Something like that). Jade. Jaden. Will. Willow. I just thought it was cool. I dunno. I'll stop talking about the Smith family now because it's pointless and going nowhere.

So, AWESOME little fact here... Alejandro is going to Mexico for 2 weeks. He leaves tomorrow. And when he's gone, I GET HIS TRUCK!!! I am so happy. First of all, it's a car. Something to drive. I don't have to have Mom or Jake take me places anymore. But... IT'S MY FAVORITE TRUCK IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I'ma feel like a stud drivng around in that thing.
    It was funny though. I told Jacob about it last night, because I was tired of talking about serious stuff with him. And I told him I was excited because it's a sexy truck. And he said, "Haha well u are sexier than marcus"
    Uh... hold on a sec, bud. So I asked him if he was talking about the trucks. And, for the record, I am WAY sexier than Marcus. But he said "yeh the truck I'm not hitting on mu girls best friend lol hehe"   One sec. Gwen... hehe? Are you sure he doesn't think Marcus is sexy? That's not something teenage guys should be saying. So I said, "Good. I was like... You best be talkin bout the truck. If not, you're getting run over." So then he asked if that was a "you don't have a license" joke. And I said, "Um, no. That's a "You hurt Gwen and you die" joke but it's not a joke." And he said, 'Okay I understand."   I dunno. That just made me laugh.

Last night, my mom rented this movie called The Depraved. It was the DUMBEST movie EVER. It was supposed to be a horror movie or something. But it was just DUMB. I wanted to take a baseball bat to whoever wrote that movie, because of how dumb it was. There was this part, though, that was REALLY gross. The bad guy "took someone else's shirt off". But he wasn't wearing a shirt. His shirt was his skin. And the guy just cut around his waist and peeled it off. EW. Groovey Moses that movie was terrible. The only good part was there was this girl and she was running from the bad guy, but he eventually caught up to her and she was too weak to fight back because she had just run like 4 miles in underground tunnels afte being tortured for a few hours. So she just started praying, and the guy realized that he couldn't torture her anymore so he just snapped her neck. She just, you know. Was ready to go because she had faith that God would take care of her.
    Wanna know how the movie ended? All the people die, except for the one with the broken back and broken femur. He managed to slide across the floor and get away, but the guy with a gun, and knives, and a big metal rod strapped to his wrist, and the really smart girl, and the two girls who went for help, they all died. But the guy with the broken back and femur got away. ?!?! Doesn't make any sense. But the last like... 45 seconds of the movie is the bd guy (who has horse teeth, crazy eyes, and long, thin, grey hair that sorta covers his eyes) brushing his teeth in the most pissed-off way possible. It. Was. TERRIBLE. The movie was so bad that it caused me emotional distress. It was terrible.

I have to go now. Got stuff to do, places to go, people to see. Not really. I have laundry to fold. YAY ME!
I wrote you a letter. I don't know when you'll be home, so I don't know when I can give it to you. Maybe I'll email Cassidy and tell her that you left something at my house and I wanted to give it back to you, but I want to make sure that you're home. I dunno. Then I could just get something of yours (maybe one of your JW books) and bring it over to the house, with the letter inside. I dunno. Just know that I love you, Gwen.

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Life is GOOD

6/12

Other than the fact that I haven't seen you in a long time, life's pretty good. I have my own room now. It's almost all set up and organized. My books are back in ABC order, as they should be. :) I have the desk and just... it's good. Very good. I still have some stuff that I need to get out of Mom's room, but then I just have to make the beds and it'll be nice and pretty. :)
    AND... I have the truck. It's gorgeous. I took Oscar out this morning and I saw it in the parking lot and... Groovey Moses was I happy. I get to drive it to cheer practice today. It just makes me.. VERY happy. Not excited about paying for gas, though. It seriously gets like 8 miles to the gallon. And that's NOT an exaggeration. It's big and old. But beautiful. But maybe, since Mom is making me quit my job, I can get her to pay for some of the gas, because... you know. I don't have money anymore and it's her fault. :)

Tara came by yesterday to get your SS card and birth certificate. I was freaking out because I found the notebook with those in it, but I couldn't find your insurance card. I looked in the wallet like 3 times and in the notebook over an over again, but I couldn't find it. But then she told me that you have that with you, so I was able to relax a little bit.
   But it was a nice update. You're still "on vacation with your aunt", as Tara said. I guess she's sort of right, because it's a vacation from your mom and your aunt isn't treating you like a prisoner. But she said it like your mom sent you there as a vacation, instead of a "You made some poor choices and I'm sending you to Tracy's house so that you can have a clean cut from the bad association in AZ" trip. But... whatever. As long as you're having fun. :)  
    So you're still there right now. And Tara said that you'll be coming back to Wickenburg before the family moves to Colorado. That would be a good opportunity to come to my house and get the rest of your stuff. And see me.
    I told Bailey and Jacob that if you text me/call me and say you're gonna come get your stuff, I'll let them know so that they can come see you too. So... yeah. And my mom said that if you don't call (if your mom doesn't let you call or whatever), and I'm not home when you come by, she'll just say that she doesn't know where I put all your stuff, and you'll have to come back later when I'm home. Because I have to see you again.

Did I tell you that Shelsey gets an allowance? And she gets to spray paint her bedroom? Did I tell you that one of her chores that she gets paid for is feeding the dog? I looked at my mom and said, "Why doesn't he give you allowance for feeding his kids?" And child support doesn't count. Neither does alimony.    GROOVEY MOSES that man makes me mad. They're 3 people! How messy can they be? They can't be using too many dishes that she has to clean, or making any major messes that she has to clean up that would jusify a regular allowance.
    I'll see her for the first time in 3 weeks on Saturday. That's a long time to not see your little sister. But... you know what? It's kinda nice. Pretty peaceful around here without her. That's not very nice to say, but... it's true. We all have more space and we don't have her attitude to deal with. It's all good. I feel terrible saying this, but I don't miss her at all.

My dad is really bugging me. He keeps texting me. He asked me if I wanted the books that I have there back. Um... where would I put a whole other bookshelf?
    He just asked me if I'm looking for more work. Oh, you mean in Phx? Where I never go? Where it would cost me more in gas to get to work than I'd be making? I dunno. But hey. Maybe he has something that I could do. Not him paying me, but maybe he knows of somewhere I could work. I could just go work every other week or something? Who knows. I'll ask him... It's just the weekends that my mom doesn't want me working (and the weekends is all I work at Chaparal). So... I dunno. I guess we'll see what he says. Because money is money. 
     Oh. And he still owes me $100. Don't let me forget about that.

I MIGHT be going to a concert. Might. I dunno yet. But it's Luke Bryan. And Florida Georgia Line. And Thompson Square. Groovey Moses that would be a GREAT concert. Plus, I've never been to a concert. And this would be so much fun. But we'll see.

This is a drop everything kinda thing
Swing on by I'll pour you a drink
The door's unlocked
I'll leave on the lights
Baby you can crash my party anytime

Love love love love love Luke Bryan. So awesome.

Father's Day is this weekend. Father's Day just pisses me off.

Yesterday, the most traumatizing thing EVER happened. I was leaving practice, and there was a bird on my hood. I was thinking that it would fly away once I walked closer. It didn't. Opened the door. It didn't move. I started the car, and it kinda flapped its wing once and then stopped. And then I saw that its foot was stuck under the hood. I don't even know how it happened. But it was there, and then blood started running down the side of the car. It was terrible. I popped the hood and it was able to fly away. The wings were fine, it was just the leg. It just... it was terrible. WAY worse than that time that the bird flew into my car. It was terrible.

Well, I gotta go now. Mostly because I don't know what else to say. I don't have to start getting ready for a while. I have almost 2 hours before I need to leave. So I don't know what I'll do. But... I have nothing else to say right now.

Love you, Gwen. :) I'll see you soon. :)

Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Free day

6/12

Tomorrow (Thursday), I get a free day. YAY. Maybe then I could actually go talk to Pam, like I've been meaning to do the last two days, but just haven't gotten around to it. I have had plenty of time to do it. I just haven't felt like doing it. 

But tomorrow... I get to just chill. Maybe finish organizing my room. Get all the stuff that's in Mom's room and put it in mine. But I gotta say... My room is pretty cool. You'll have to see it when you come by. 
    I think maybe I'll just pretend that you're staying in Wickenburg. The last few days, I've just been... Every time I think about you I just get sad and scared that I'll lose you, and that you'll lose yourself, no matter which path you choose to take. And so when I think about you and your situation, I can't think about anything else and for the next few hours I'm just depressed. So I'll just pretend that you'll be staying in Wickenburg and everything will be alright. I'll know in my heart that you aren't staying in Wickenburg (because I'm pretty positive you're not). Or maybe I'll be like Winston. Because, as everyone knows, "if you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. You must know all the while that it is there, but until it is needed you must never let it emerge into your conciousness in any shape that could be given a name. From now onwards he must not only think right; he must feel right, dream right. And all the while he must keep his hatred locked up inside him like a ball of matter which was part of himself and yet unconnected with the rest of him, a kind of cyst." (BT Dubs, that was all a direct quote- NOT my writing, it's all Eric Blair (more commonly known as George Orwell). And now that I've cited my sources in a very unprofessional way that would make Mrs. Quinn hurl, I'll get on with the rest of my email to you. :)

Anyway.. I don't know what the farm I was talking about, Gwen. Tomorrow. My free day. Yeah, it's going to be good. Nice and relaxing. I'll hopefully get stuff done. :) 

Well... I guess that's all I wanted to say. I was just really really really really excited about finally having a free day where I have nothing going on. I guess I don't really have absolutely nothing going on. Because, HELLO, I need to talk to Pam and I need to finish my room. But I don't have to go to cheer for several hours, and I don't have to really drive anywhere, or anything like that. I can just do what I want when I want it. I don't have a time schedule that I have to follow. 

So I'll go now. I love you, Gwen. :) I'll see you soon, okay? Okay. :)

Still praying, still staying strong. 
Love, 
CC Raz

OOB#Not quite as free

6/13

So today isn't as unscheduled as I thought t would be. At 3, Oscar has an appointment at the vet to get his shots. And then we're going straight from there to pick up Shelsey. But my morning is mine. I sorta got some stuff done. I organized a little bit of my stuff. But I don't know where Mom put all my stuff that was in the closet. Oh well.

OOB#Father's Day Weekend

6/14

Um... My dad chose not to have the kids on Father's Day weekend. He had other plans. It's farming FATHER'S DAY!! What the farm is wrong with this man? And he won't have them next week. Or the week after. Because he has other plans. ASSHOLE. You have kids. That means that you have your kids on the weekend (since, you know. You chose to leave your family). You decided that you were only gonna see them every other weekend,and YOU STILL DON'T DO IT!! What the farm is wrong with the man? What plans are more important than spending time with your kids on FATHER'S DAY?
     And he acts like it's a chore whenever he HAS to take the kids. "Well, this was supposed to be your weekend, Sherry. we traded that one weekend in February." Whatever. Thats okay, though. Because who's gonna have a relationship with the kids? Mom and I. Not Dad. When they get older, they'll stop wanting to spend time with him. They'll go through a short phase where they want to see him as much as they can, and talk to him all the time. But then they'll get tired of putting up all the effort, and it'll be just like me. They'll give up on him because they'll realize that he's already given up on them.
    So this weekend we were supposed to go to the lake with Ken for Father's Day (because... you know. He's more of our dad than Dad is). But he found out yesterday that he has to work during the weekend because they have to get this big thing fixed at the plant. That was a little disappointing. But maybe we'll all go do somethig next weekend or something.

Jake slept in my room last night and now it smells like poop. I searched the ENTIRE room, inside the kennel, under the desk, under the bed, anywhere where the dogs might have pooped (I have Taz too, because Shelsey's here and she spent the night at Kaytie's house last night), and there isn't any. At all. It's Jake. It pisses me off. And it's 9:00 in the morning and he's still not up and he probably won't be up until like 11, because he doesn't have to work until 3 so that means that he can't get ANYTHING else done at all during the day. So I can't even use my room and get anything done until he wakes up and gets out. He could have slept in Lawson and Jolie's room last night. They're staying at Nana's. But no. He decided to stay in my room and make it smell.

Sorry that yesterday's message was so short and didn't really have an ending. I was typing it, then got side tracked and then we had to leave and we got home and watched movies and then I fell asleep on the couch, so... I just never finished it. Sorry. But it was something. As I was falling asleep, I was thinking, "I have to finish my message to Gwen. I have to finish my message to Gwen." But it was that stage where I was just too tired to move, and then I fell asleep on the couch.

Jacob texted me last night, and asked me if I still email you every day. I said yeah, and he said, "I haven't been... :/ is that bad I'm not sure... do I just send her messages on bookrix? Idk how to put them in a folder  :(" It just kinda made me sad. I dunno. I probably shouldn't be telling you this because it's not going to help you at all (or maybe it will. I dunno). But it just kinda felt like, to me, he was almost ready to give up. Like he doesn't know how to send you messages. So he just doesn't even try. And I'm sure he still thinks about you. But he's kinda lost hope, maybe? I dunno. It was kinda like that time in the dream when you just didn't reply because you didn't know what to say. It pissed me off. Because you're counting on us.
    Bailey's told me that she messages you "basically every day". So I assume that there are some days here and there that she doesn't message you anything. But she also has a lot going on. She's a busy gal. Her reasoning isn't because she doesn't know what to say, or she doesn't know how. She figures out a way and does it. Jacob just stopped because he didn't know how. He could have send you messages. I wouldn't recommend that because you get so much spam mail all the time, it would be easy to get the messages lost in the bunch. Or he could have just written it on your profile. But that's really only good if you have short messages every time. Or, he could have done what I've been doing, which I suggested to him at first when we saw the book of emails that you have on here, and then again when we found out that your mom was forwarding all your emails to herself.
    But last night I told him again that he can just create a book and each new message is a new chapter, he said he'd get on it.
   The whole thing, though... I dunno. I don't want him to give up. For your sake, or for his sake. Because what good would that do? NONE. None at all.

Taz is a big ol' tub-o'-lard. He's FAT!! Well, he's probably not as fat as I think he is. But his body isn't nearly as long as Oscar's (Oscar has a super long body), so he looks fatter because there's not as much space for it to go to. Plus, Oscar is kinda skinny, so in comparison, Taz looks pretty fat. But he also eats more than Oscar, probably,because at Dad's house, he has Tucker and Tabitha to compete with, so he eats more. AND, they don't feed him puppy food. Dad said that they just soften up Tucker and Tabby's food with water a little bit, and feed him that. That's like saying, "Oh, this little baby doesn't need formula or milk. We'll just mash up this regular food really well and feed it to him in a bottle. As long as it's liquid, it's okay." No. The puppy and the baby can't have big people food yet, because they're a puppy still. The formula or milk (and puppy chow) has different nutrients than the adult food (dog chow) because in order for the puppy to be healthy, it needs certain nutrients, in different ammounts and ratios than they need as an adult. It's common sense. It pisses me off.
    And they haven't gotten Taz his shots yet. I know that we just got Oscar his shots yesterday. But A)We made the appointment earlier in the week, and this was when they could get us in.  B)He's not around any other dogs who haven't had recent, updated shots. He's been around Rocco, who's had his shots, and Aunt Stephanie's dogs. Since she works at a vet clinic, I'm pretty sure that they've had their shots and won't be passing on any diseases. And C)We've both been REALLY busy the last couple weeks. And I didn't know where my mom wanted me to take him to get his shots, or what kind of stuff needed to be brought in, or anything. I've never had to take the dog to the vet all by myself, so I've never had to worry about that, so Mom had to be with me for that.
    But they haven't even tried to make any appointments anywhere. And Taz is around Tucker, who's due for his shots, and Tabitha, who... I don't know about her shots. A new puppy is supposed to have 4 rounds of shots (starting at 8 weeks), 3 weeks apart each. And they got Tabitha on the side of the road with some guy giving them away. I kinda feel like if you get a brand new puppy on the side of the road, you should just assume that they haven't had ANY rounds of shots yet. And I don't know if they go her the shots that she needed. I know they probably got her one round of shots. And the vet probably told them that they need to keep bringing her in until she's had 4 rounds of shots, but I don't know if they did. And until they have all of their shots, they aren't protected. So Tabitha might be a carrier of something, and pass it on to Taz. I don't know. It's possible. But Taz also has little red bumps on his head and his tummy. Um... they should probably take him to the vet. Like... yesterday.
    I don't know why I care so much about it, because... it really doesn't make a difference to me. But this dog is supposed to be teaching Shelsey responsibility. If the dog dies because she wasn't responsible, then what?
   And as of right now, Dad still owes me money for the dog. So, technically, it's my dog. They better not kill my dog. JK. He's not mine. He's even more of a shithead than Oscar. I don't want him. But that doesn't mean I want him to die.

Okay. Enough about the dogs, because... you probably don't care a whole lot about my sister's dog problems.

How are you doing? I wonder when you're coming home.
    OH!! I need to email your dad. He asked me to let him know if we heard any word about you. GOSH! I should probably do that soon. I'll be right back.
    Okay. I sent the message to your dad. I gave a (very very) quick summary of the letters that we got from you (I basically said that you're having fun with your family, but you're still scared that you'll lose everyone you love, no matter which path you take). And then I told him the information that I got from Tara (you were still in Colorado as of Tuesday, and that you'll be back in Arizona before the family moves to Colorado.
    I didn't tell him that I figured you'll probably be staying in Colorado. I didn't want to tell him that because, if he thinks you're staying there, he might just stop working on all the custody stuff at all. And if you do end up choosing to live with your dad, and he stopped with the custody stuff, you won't be able to stay with him anymore, because it'll be too late.
     But yeah.

Okay. I'm gonna go now. :) I'll talk to you later. But I have to shower, go to the bank, get everything ready for cheer (we're having a lock-in in the gym tonight), and work on my room a little more. I probably won't send you anything more today, since I won't be home tonight and I doubt that I'll have something more to say to you within the next couple hours. My life isn't that exciting, unfortunately.

But I'll see you soon. :) Love you!

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

PS- Jake left at about 9:30 (left my room). It's 10:15 now and it STILL stinks. YAY.

OOB#All-Nighter!! WHOOO!

6/15

JK. NOT whoo. I am so exhausted. I haven't been asleep, like asleep asleep since before I sent you that last message yesterday. Let me give you a little run-down of the last two days. Bear with me here. If some sentences or words don't make sense, it's not my fault. It's a side effect of the sleep deprivation. Not that I'm really sleep-deprived enough to have halluncinations or anything. Just enough to make me uncapable of makeing sense.

It started out as a sort of normal day. Not really. But I kinda hate it when people start stories like that. "It was a normal day, but then something strange happened. And it wasn't a normal day. Keep reading and I'll tell you what that strange thing was, and how it turned my day from normal into abnormal.

Anyway. I was headed off to the school for practice and the lock-in, and the truck just sorta started slowing down. I managed to get it to the Bank of America parking lot. And I called my papa, and he couldn't figure out what it was. And I called Jake, too, because I figured maybe it's died on Alejandro before while Jake was with him and he had to fix it. I dunno. But, Jake pulled up, and right away, he looked at the truck and said, "Did you switch the tanks?"
     Now, Alejandro's truck is just really wierd. It has 2 tanks. It seems kinda pointless to me, unless you're going on a REALLY long trip with no gas stations around EVER. But the truck was running off the back tank. I thought I was filling up the back tank. Well, I wasn't. Every time I put in gas, I was puttng it in the front tank. Cool, huh? Well, Jake came, flipped the switch, and the truck worked. SUPER simpe fix. But I'm just an idiot. And that's the gas tank story.

And now I gotta go for a little while. But I'll be back to describe to you the wonderful times I had last night. Actually, even though that sounds sarcastic, I did have a pretty good time. :)
     Whoah, hold up. Uncapable? Okay. Makes sense. JKnoitdoesn't.

I'll get back. I promise I will NOT go to bed without finishing the rest of my story. Hopefully the pool will wake me up. :)
    And I'm back! After a pretty short swim (only an hour or so) and dinner, I can finish telling you the story of the AWESOME lock-in we had last night. I even took down notes in my phone so I wouldn't forget anything. :D

Okay. So we got there, did a little bit of cheer, then went out to dinner. After dinner, we went on a scavenger hunt around town. We had teams, and we had clues like "1. Go to this place to get a book. 2. Mass is held here." So you go to the library and to the Catholic church and take pictures, then send them to JuLynn. It was awesome. I was on a team with Michaela and Adriana (BT Dubs- Michaela has been COMPLETELY drama free this last week. It has been AMAZING!! Hopefully the rest of the season will be like that. Because that would be FABULOUS! *big kiss on the forhead*     <Sorry. You probably wouldn't get that reference because I highly doubt you've seen "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" with Jim Carrey.

Off topic. But I am SO tired of Shelsey. She's here for the week. Well, she's supposed to be. She's been in Wickenburg for 3 days now and she's spent like a total of 6 hours at home. AND I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HER DOG. I know that when I'm gone at work or cheer, Jake and Mom have to take care of Oscar. But first of all, that's one dog. Doesn't require much. And I didn't decide that I no longer want to be a part of this family, and then shove all my responsibilities on the family that I'm no longer a part of. And Taz and Oscar... ALL they do is roll around on the floor biting eac other, and making these terrible squeals and barks and growls and squeaks and snarls and just a TON of different noises that are super annoying. Not to mention the squeals of pain (Like when Taz sinks his teeth into Oscar's ear and pulls him across the room) are very distracting and inturrupt me from what I'm doing. And when they play and roll around, they also follow me around and are constantlyunder my feet. Oscar follows me, but he has a little bit of distance so I don't step on him. When they're playing, they are literally between my feet. And they bite me, thinking they're biting each other. And they bite HARD. And Taz is a lazy fat-ass who won't even walk up the stairs. So I have to carry him up the stairs. And it's not that he's heavy, but he won't stop squirming. That's why I make Oscar come up the stairs on his own. But Taz refuses. Shithead. AND he has destroyed the carpet in my room. There's a little patch where he chewed on it and it separated from the wall, so now there's a big hole in my carpet that we'll have to pay for when we leave. Okay. Enough of the rant. I could still keep going, but I have a LOT to cover. I'll probably end up splitting it up into 2 seperate chapters/messages. But anyway... I'm tired of STILL having to do all of Shelsey's work, even when she decided she didn't want to be a part of our family anymore.

Back to the scavenger hunt. We had to end at Coffinger. And guess who was the first team to get there? Uh, yeah. Michaela, Adriana, and I. MAC. We are victorious. Too bad there wasn't a prize. :( But it was SO terrible. I was literally DRIPPING sweat at 10:00 at night. It was terrible.

Then we made our bows. And they are gorgeous. I'll have to show you sometime. But Kaylea went and bought the supplies, then we all split up the cost. It was $7 each to make the bows. THAT IS AWESOME because if you order bows out of the cheer magazine, you'll pay at least $25 for the cheapest, ugliest bow. That doesn't count shipping. And, it was a fun bonding thing. You don't get to bond when you pick out a bow in a magazine. And, these are WAY prettier than the bows you'd get in a magazine. :) I'm happy.

And we also played hide and seek in the dark. ... Cheerleaders are TERRIBLE at hide and seek. And they don't follow the rules. For example, hide and seek in the dark means in the dark. Turning the lights on so you can find people? Cheating. Or when there's a spot in the gym that's marked off with tape? That means you can't go in that spot, right? Hiding in that restricted area? Cheating.
    And OH GROOVEY MOSES. There was this row of trash cans that wer upside down and empty. I hid under one of those. GROOVEY MOSES was that HOT. HOT HOT HOT and NO air to breathe. I was seriously breathing s heavily, because of the heat and lack of oxygen. I wanted someone to find me so bad so that I could leave. And the WORST part of it was that 2 girls came in (I couldn't tell who they were) and one said, "Should we look under the trash cans?" And the other said, "No, who would hide under the trash can? It's hot and you can't breathe." So they left. GROOVEY MOSES I wanted to kill them. I was sitting there, knees to my chin, with my arms flat against the side of the trashcan because it was nice and cool. But then when I got out, the entire inside of the trash can was wet from my sweat. EW. Gross gross gross gross gross gross. It was miserable. I wanted to die. I honestly, at one point, thought I was going to die.

We decided at about 9 that we would take an hourly picture. To show how the energy level changed throughout the night. It was pretty much the same all night. It was good. At 9, we took one at Sundance, because we were still there eating at 9. CWAZY, right? Well, then at 10, we were at the park at the end of the scavenger hunt, so we took one on the playground. At 11, we all laid under the big black divider things in the gym. You know those big black things that seperate the 3 basketball courts? Yeah we just had our heads poking out from under that. But at the bottom of that is a big, long, heavy metal bar. And that thing weighs a TON, and HURTS your shoulders and neck. GROOVEY MOSES that picture was painful. For 12:00, we formed 12:00 on the ground with our bodies. At 1, we all just sat at a table and did our own little pose. At 2, we all did supermans in a really long line in the hallway. We just laid feet to feet, hand to hand, and then lifted up our legs and hands. In a really long line that looks awesome in the picture. At 3, we were in the locker room, climbing on the lockers. At 4, we were up at the football field laying down on blankets on the track and eatin muffins for breakfast. At 5, the sun was rising, so we took a picture with the rising sun. It was pretty awesome. Then at 6, I guess it was just a picuture of all of us sleeping. And after that, we stopped taking pictures.
     Do you know how hard it is to remember to take a picture every single hour? Groovey Moses that's tough. I guess we could have set alarms on our phones, but... oh well. It worked out. :)

OH! I just remembered something about hide and seek (BT Dubs- In case you ever wanted to know this vital piece of information, when I say that, I say hide and go seek, not just hide and seek. I don't know why I do it differently). Carrigan had her music playing on her little speaker, but she had it turned WAY WAY down. So at one point I was walking through the gym and I heard a man singing (but there was no music). And it REALLY freaked me out. It was just this man singing really really quietly. I thought I was going to get murdered. I also wanted t murder Coach because she told us that she was locking all the doors to the outside, so no one could get in. I thought she was lying. But she wasn't. It was just Carrigan's stupid speaker that almost gave me a heart attack.

Then, starting at after 9 AM, we started putting some purple in our yellow room (Groovey Moses it was horrid. ALL 4 WALLS WERE BRIGHT YELLOW). We have 3 silhouettes of cheerleaders (2 different jumps, and someone doing a heel stretch), and on one wall we have our hand prints. Whenever we come back, we'll put our names under our hand, and our graduating year. The idea is that each year, all the new girls will put their hand print on there, and then eventually, there will just be a wall of handprints. But it's not just handprints like in kindergarten. We put the handprint, then filled in the big spot in the palm and connected all the fingers and all that. And then eventually, we'll be putting up mirrors on one wall (because we just like to look at ourselves. JK. It's to see our motions and all that stuff), and then we'll have a bunch of quotes painted on the wall. So, it's no longer JUST yellow. Which is amazing. :)

Okay. I have to go now. Mom wants me to watch this movie with her. I'll write the rest tomorrow, or maybe just late tonight. Either way. Bt it's probably good that I'm not telling you right now because I still have to figure some things out. So... yeah.

Still praying, still staying strong. And still holdin' on. I feel like that should be a song. Still staying strong, still holding on. I dunno. Anyway...
Love,
CC Raz

PS- Every couple days, the number of views this book gets grows a little bit. I can only hope, deserately and completely, that one of them is you. Right now there's 12. I really, really, really hope one is you. :)
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Spritual Goals for Pengwen

6/16

So I obviously didn't finish saying what I wanted to say last night. I didn't even get close to finishing the movie. It was only 20 minutes in by the time Mom told me to go to bed. I was tired. But, I guess it makes sense. That's what getting almost no sleep does to you.

I was talking to my mom last night. And... I don't know. It started out because Jacob was texting me. And he said... I'll just show you the conversation.

Jacob: Was it ridiculous Gwen says shell love me no matter what but some things no matter shell never be happy
     Me: Just because she loves you doesn't mean she'll always be happy. No one ever promised that loving someone would always make you happy.
     Jacob: True but I don't want her to be with me if she's not happy that's defeats the purpose of... a lot... I want he to cherish moments with laugh and smile forever not be totally opposite our whole lives... idk how else to explain it
     Me: No I know what you mean. But like... take religion. That's her life and who she is. And relationships where one is really religious and the other isn't... They're good for some things. The fun stuff. But then when it comes down to the nitty gritty, those aren't the quality relationships.
     Jacob: So its not a quality relationship if were both not spiritually strong? Well I don't like to judge people's love or belief in truth but were all different and I'm very different but I too think my way is truth no matter what just like you and Gwen I just know Gwen is amazing in so many ways and I'd stop being immature to make her happy I'd do so many things and she knows that she can trust me but if she wanted to be a jw I could live with that but I won't be and even jws talk bout the husband not being one but the wife just keeps slowly pushing it on him I could survive that but would it even work do I wana keep doing wht I'm doing or will it be two times harder when were adults
     Me: I'm not saying your relationship specifically is low quality. At least at this point. But gwen's goal has always been to pioneer and live at bethel, maybe meet a jw boy, fall in love, and have little jw kids. Then she fell in love with you instead. So she has to make a decision. Is she going to go with what she's always wanted? Or is she going to go with what her heart is telling her now? As long as you are together, it'll always be difficult. She'll be wishing that you could experience the same spiritual relief and strength and rewards that she recieves. And you'll be wishing that she was able to experience the same... Freedom? I guess. I don't know the word for it. It'll always always always be difficult, and as you continue on down the road, it'll get harder. And you'll both have to decide whether or not it's worth it to you to keep going
     Jacob: Yeah ur 100% right but its literally a job and devotion a lifes mission that has a chance of being wrong that we'll live in paradise of course I want that for everyone but I know in my heart its not true but it sure keeps people in it no matter what and change is nearly impossible I want everything for her ahe wants everything for me I always tell her I wish we could move to an island with eachother forget everything else seriously...I want her she's the reason I'm in love not what she follows and not what she believes I never told her I liked her cuz I was the exact opposite she told me I need two things in my life jehovah and true love....I loved her for telling me the way she loved me was plenty but I played myself I started going to meetings Even Studied I was two steps away from being her jw husband and that's when her mom loved me too WHY can't I be a good person and have that if you read the letter that was to me you'd understand more but bailey told u I couldve been fighting for nothing and we could all lose her cuz of something that is crazy and not right that you do understand....I need her I know this has all happened for a reason I don't want it to be a life lesson I want it to be true love a dream come true I know its corny but she feels it too... <3

First of all, this boy needs to go back to first grade and learn about puncuation. Seriously. It is so hard for me to figure out what he's saying. But anyway....
    I didn't know what to say to that. First of all, he's under the impression that I'm against all organized religion and that I think that everything that JW do/believe is wrong. And that's not true. You know that much. But I don't know. The message was too long and I just didn't know how to respond. So I asked my mom, and we talked about the whole situation for a long time, and I came to a couple conclusions. Well, I've known this stuff for a long time. I just never said anything because I know you're going through a REALLY hard time and don't need me unloading all this on you. But it is KILLING me, not telling me the truth. Mom told me that I need to just tell you the truth. Because saying stuff like this, there's never an ideal time. And she said, "I can tell that this is really bugging you, because you aren't telling her the truth. What is your friendship based on? Love, respect, honesty, caring, and God. Do any of those justify not telling her the truth?" And she was right. There is never a good time for this. But I'll start with the easy stuff.

First... the last month or so of school... You were REALLY irritating. You were just so apathetic about EVERYTHING. And I knew that you were stressed and everything, but it just wasn't you. If you were apathetic all the time, it wouldn't have bugged me. But you just... gave up, it seemed. You knew that staying with Jacob was just going to hurt you. But you did it anyway. You just didn't care. You stopped caring about your grades. You just stopped caring, and you weren't yourself. And that just bugged me. You gave up. And it worries me. You've never given up before. But the last month of school, you did. And by the sound of your letter, you had given up completely. On everything. On us. That hurts. And it's not you.
     And I know that a lot of it is just the circumstances. But when you've given up, how am I supposed to keep fighting? How am I supposed to stay strong? Because I'm doing it for you. Not for Jacob. Not for Bailey. For you. And if you give up, where does that leave me?

It bugs me the way that you and Jacob talk about marriage. Not that you do talk about it. But the manner in which you discuss matrimony. <Yeah. I'm still tired. VERY. Sorry about the spaziness. Anyway, you don't just talk about "What are we going to name our kids?" or "What do you think our kids would look like?" or build this fantasy house in your minds, like other 16 year-old couples. You guys talk about marriage like it's a serious thing. Not.. that sounded wrong. Marriage IS a serious thing. But you guys talk about it like you're serious about getting married. And that BUGS me.
    Right now, when you're 16, it's fine. But you guys talk like you're 22. And you're not. And just because you normally act like you're 22 doesn't mean that you will in relationships. This is your first love. The chances of you two ending up together are so small, Gwen. Especially when you bring in the religion factor. When you're around Jacob, you're a 16 year-old girl. You don't think or act like you normally do.
   I don't want you to marry him, Gwen. He talks about how he (he actually says we. As in him and I together. Like I'm going to help him with this. I don't know where he gets these ideas) has to get you away from Jehovah's Witnesses, and how it's urgent that we get you to stop believing the lies. He wants to tear you away from the one thing that you can ALWAYS count on. HOW THE FARM IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO BE WITH? It's not just that he doesn't want to be JW. He doesn't want you to be JW. 
    Most people that know you say that the thing that they love the most about you is your faith in God, and your confidence in what you believe in. He wants to tear that from you. And you want to marry him?

I know you love him. I'm not criticizing that. Sometimes people fall in love with someone, and it might not be ideal and it might not be the person they always dreamed of falling in love with, but they love him anyway. That's how it is with Jacob. But you aren't just compromising on stuff like he doesn't have the prefect body. You're compromising on the type of stuff that will tear you apart if you marry him.

He says he loves you, not your faith and what you believe in. But that IS who you ARE. That is what makes you you. How can he claim to love you, when he wants to take the biggest part of you away?

You want to pioneer. You want to go to Bethel. Maybe meet a JW boy and have JW kids. This is what you have wanted your entire life, with all your heart. Having Jacob in the picture? It destroys it all. You could still pioneer, I guess. But you'd go out in service, and you'd have an awesome experience every day, and just feel so refreshed and full of good, and you'd know you were serving God. But then you'd come home every day to a man who hates your religion and everything about it, everything it stands for. You'd never be able to go to Bethel. You'd be giving that up. And you wouldn't be able to raise your kids in the JW community and faith. They wouldn't be raised in "The Truth."
    If you had kids with Jacob, you would end up JUST like your mom. Why? Because Jacob is JUST like your dad. They both hate your religion. And if you had kids, you would be telling them all about JW and taking them to meeting and reading the bible with them, and all the stuff your mom does to raise you guys in your faith. But Jacob would be working them the other way. Talking about how it's a cult, and they brainwash you, and all this other crap. Not only would it be EXTREMELY confusing for the kids,but it would build a HUGE wall between you and Jacob. And, it would probably end in divorce. Because eventually, you wouldn't be able to stand each other. It would make you guys loathe each other. Then you'd be like your mom, with a bunch of kids, no college education, pioneering and living in poverty, and trying to figure out why you're not happy. You'd have thrown away everything, all your life goals and requirements, and you'd be miserable.

I don't want that for you. I don't want you to be miserable. I want you to achieve your goals. But Jacob just gets in the way. He makes it impossible for you to go to Bethel or raise your children to be JW. And it'll make it harder for you to keep your spiritual strength.
    I know he quit smoking pot. But that doesn't mean that everything's okay now. You are ignoring the BIGGEST problem. And that bugs me. Right now, you're 16. It doesn't really matter. But maybe it does. I don't want you to get into the habit of compromising on stuff like this. It's not you, and it's not good for your goals.

In your letter that you wrote to all of us, you sounded like you had given up. Completely. On Bailey and I. But not on Jacob. You sounded like you were sure that Bailey and I were going to give up on you, and just drop you, because it got too hard. But you hadn't given up on Jacob. In fact, you wrote him his own letter that's longer than the one that all three of us have to share. And then you started ONLY putting Jacob's emails in the book on bookrix.
    If you're going to give up on anyone, why would you choose Bailey and I? What have we done that would make you think that you can't trust us, that we won't stay strong? You have plenty of past reasons to give up on Jacob. And NONE to give up on Bailey and I. It doesn't make sense to me.
    It probably sounds like I'm a jealous best friend here. "You care more about him than you do me! blah blah blah" But that's not it. It's not that I'm jealous. It's that I'm worried. You're just throwing everything away for this boy. And that's all that he is. He is a BOY.

I'm guessing you're probably staying in Colorado. And... I'll be honest here. I don't think you guys will last more than a couple months after you're up there for good. Because it would be too hard to hold on to the relationship. Here's why:
    You wouldn't get to see him, you wouldn't get to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, none of that. You would very rarely get to talk to him. It would have to be in secret. It wouldn't be like at school where you see him every day and can talk to him and see him in the mornings and all that. That would be gone.
    And without having him there, your thoughts wouldn't be clouded with the dreamy, I'm-in-love type thoughts. You'd be able to think about it rationally. And you'd know that you and Jacob can NOT be together. It completely destroys EVERYTHING that you've ever wanted your life to be. And without being able to talk to him or see him at all, you'd be able to see that more clearly, and you'd know that it wasn't worth it. And you'd break up with him. And it would be for real, for good. And it would hurt. And it wouldn't mean that you don't love him, and that there won't always be a special place for him in your heart. But you'd move on, with the help of God, and you'd heal. And then you could go on being the good, strong, beautiful (on the inside and out), faithful, spiritually strong girl that we all know and love.

I love you, Gwen. I don't want you to throw away your goals, your happiness, your relationship with God, your eternal future in Paradise, and your stength so that you can be with this boy.

I'll always love you. ALWAYS. No matter what decision you make, I'll always love you. I won't always support you in your decisions (like if you stay with Jacob), but I will always be there to love you, pick you back up off the ground, say I told you so, and help you get back on the right track, the track that you've ALWAYS wanted. I'll always be here for you, no matter what. ALWAYS.

I'm still praying, and still staying strong. And I'm waiting to hear from you. I'm hoping that maybe I'll hear from you soon. Something. At this point, you could be dead, and I wouldn't know. But I'll be here, waiting, praying, and staying strong. :) Love you.
Love,
Cassandra Shae

OOB#Mad props

6/16

Um... yeah. I was on facebook, and somone posted, "Mad props to the ones getting it on by the church. Way to keep GV classy." And I just stared at it. I thought it was REALLY cool that they used the word mad in that sentence. Because I didn't know that other people used it like that. :) Too bad it wasn't "Mad much props." :) 

No, baby don't
You're making my heart hurt
Don't say those words
Take it back
You know you don't mean that
You swore when you wore my ring
It meant forever
I've got it on baby
How can you say you lost it
You promised
I just found this song. And it's amazing. I love it. Really, really sad. But it's pretty amazing. I like it. :)

I think it's time for another one of my story tales. It's been a LONG LONG LONG time since I wrote one for you. :( Too bad I can't use my awesome crayons to decorate the pages. Unless.... I'll just write one on paper tonight and then I'll either take pictures, or just scan them onto the computer,and put them in the book. And it'll be AMAZING. :D
    But that's later.

For now, I'll tell you about my day and how amazing it was. It actually wasn't super amazing. But it was a good day. I hope your day was equally as good. Because... you know. I don't want you to be miserable. That would suck.
    Anyway, as you may or may not know, today was Fathers' Day. It started out and I was in a bad mood because Dad asked if Mom could have the kids this weekend, and when the kids called him to wish him a happy Fathers' Day, he didn't answer his phone. It really just PISSED ME OFF.
    But then we went to Nana and Papa's house for dinner at like 2. And that was good. Because all my surrogate (I really wish that spell check worked on this computer, but it doesn't. :( And I have no idea whether that's spelled right or not) dads were there. Papa, Ken, and Uncle Jeff. They've all taken care of me and supported me when my real dad hasn't. :) And having 3 dads? Pretty cool.
    I guess it's really not that great. You're supposed to have a dad, and a grandpa, and an uncle. They're supposed to support you, but they're supposed to be seperate. But oh well. I'll take all 3 of them. And we just had meat loaf (Nana makes really good meat loaf) and talked and laughed and had a jolly good time. 

But sitting with that group of people on Father's Day... I dunno. I've thought about this a lot before, but I think today was the final... decision, I guess? And I know I have a lot of time to think about this and it's like... why am I thinking about this now? But every other girl in the world plans their wedding from the time they're 13. So I can decide this now. Why not? It MIGHT change. But I highly doubt it.
    I want my wedding to be traditional. The white dress (that still symbolizes purity, at least for me), the church, all that. But the part that won't be traditional is that I won't have my dad walking me up the isle. Most dads don't have to earn that spot. Because the dad is always the one to walk the girl down the isle. Even in the least traditional weddings, the dad walks her down the isle. Unless the dad is dead or he has lost the priviledge.
  The priest/pastor asks who is giving the bride away. So Dad can't walk me down the isle. He can't give me away. Because I'm not his to give. I can't give away Sally's horse (I don't know who Sally is, but it's an example), because it's not mine to give away. It's Sally's. And Dad lost me. He chose to give me up a long time ago. Only he didn't give me to anyone. He kinda just left, and only comes back when it's convenient for him.
    So, Dad can't give me away. So who, then? Who walks me down the isle? There's no way that I can narrow it down to just one. Because they've all done SO much for me, in different ways, and they've all loved me and supported me in all that I do. Papa, Uncle Jeff, and Ken have been my step-in dads. They've done all the stuff that a dad is supposed to do. And Jake and Lawson... They haven't necessarily been my dads. But they're my brothers. And they love me and Jake has always been there to protect me when he thinks he needs to (now, granted, there was that one thing that happened right under his nose that he never noticed, but that was one thing. If something is brought to his attention, he's pretty good at being the big brother). And Lawson is just... He's my life. He makes every day for me so much brighter and easier, and I couldn't leave him out of that, even if he's not protective or anything. But... he's 6. Of course he's not super protective.
    So I'm pretty sure that I'll just have those 5 guys walk me down the isle. :) Because they have earned it.
   Despite the number of the people giving me away, I want to have a small wedding party. Like... 3 or 4 bridesmades and groomsmen, a flower girl, a ring bearer, and that's it. And a tiny little wedding. I really want to have it at St. Jude's, the church in Garden Valley. Because that's my home. Of course, any Catholic church would do. But the people in that parish? Those are my family. The only problem with that is that everyone that I invite has to fly up there, pretty much. But that's where I wanna have it. It prolly won't happen, but I can dream, can't I? Maybe I'll meet someone who has enough money to just pay for everyone's tickets. Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah. Sure. That'll happen. :)

I'm gonna go now. I'll start on that fairy tale now. :) Love you!!

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

PS- Please don't think that the last message was just something that I said because I was in a bad mood this morning or something. I meant every word of it. Just wanted to let you know that.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Suzie the Sparkly Monster

6/16

And... here's that AWESOME fairy tale that I promised you. :) It's not made with crayon, because I coudn't find them. But... I do have marker, which I used to color the story. And... here it is. :)

Pretty cool, huh? And it actually sparkles! It sparkles way more in person, but it still sorta showed up in the picture. :) I gotta go now. It's late and I have to get up realy in the morning. But I LOVE YOU!

Stil praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Fun facts

6/17

So, apparently Forever 21 is a "Christian business." The founder said that God told her to start a store, and she'd be successful. And on the bottom of all the bags, it says "John 3:16". Somehow, that still doesn't seem like that makes it a Christian business. Just because the owner is Christian doesn't mean that the business is. A Christian business would be one that promotes bible principles by not selling immodest clothes. Printin a bible verse on the bottom of the bag means nothing. Not all the clothes are bad. But some of them are... definitely not something that you would sell if you were truly a Christian store. I'm not saying that the owner isn't a Christian. But it bugs me that they're saying that the store is a Christian business.

Heeey, baby I was hopin'
Maybe you'd feel like takin' a drive
'Cause I an take you on a trip to heaven
And have you back by tonight.
  I like that song. :) It's a good one. :)

 So, Diana and Gema are pretty cool. They're awesome. :)  And they both asked about you. Did you know that Diana's dad's side of the family is JW? Her dad isn't, but like the rest of the family is. I thought that was interesting. And her aunt left that church (not disfellowshipped or disassociated, just left), and now the whole family just doesn't talk to her at all.
    When she said that... I dunno. It just kinda irritated me. That's not how God told us to be. He said to stay away from bad examples. But that doesn't mean you shun your family. Why can't they just admit that she's a good person? She might not be JW anymore, but her morals haven't changed. She didn't just become a bad person over night. That's not how things work.
    And I know that it's not all JW that do that. I know that the actions of one family don't always reflect the beliefs and values of what the religion teach. I know that there are times when people from all religions do things like that that don't reflect the church teachings (before my mom became Catholic, my grandma told her that if you have an abortion, you're going to Hell. And my mom didn't agree with that. She knew that it was wrong, but she knew that like, if a teenage girl who's scared and alone has an abortion because she doesn't know what else to do, God's not going to send her to hell. So for a while, Mom didn't want to be Catholic just because of that. She loved everything else about it, but she didn't want to be a part of a church that tought that. But then someone else told her that that was Grandma's personal belief, not a church teaching). But it's just...
    It seems like that, plus your congregation (which is really the only experience I've had with JW), it doesn't give me a very good impression of the church. Because it's th elders, the leaders of your church, who aren't doing the Godly thing here.
    JW are good people. They are caring and loving. But they only take care of their own kind and their studies. If someone says, "No thank you, I'm happy with my beliefs," then they won't take care of that person anymore. Like... Catholics have charities and organizations all over the world that help people, Catholic or not. We don't turn people down, or shun people, just because they aren't Catholic.
    And JW... I know they go on mission and stuff and go t other countries... but I don't know. It seems to me, from what you've told me, that all they care about is converting people. Handing out bibles. Like that's a bigger priority than making sure that they have the necessities for life. I could be wrong. And I'm not saying that spreading God's word is bad. That's what we're supposed to do, that's what He told us to do. But it's also important to make sure they have clean clothes, a place to sleep, some food to eat. Whether they are Christians or not.
     To me, it seems like JW only focus is converting people. I know you say, "No, we aren't trying to convert people. We're trying to encurage them to read the bible." But you want them to read your bible and read your articles and go to your meetings. And that's perfectly fine. But it's called converting people. And it seems like it's your only focus. And when you're on a religious mission, that's important. But people will listen to you a lot more if you feed them and give them a place to stay.
   When I went on my mission trip, we were helping an order of nuns. They feed people, give them beds to sleep in, they'll clean their clothes, and all that. And on Sundays, they take people to Mass. But it's optional. Just because you sleep there for a week doesn't mean that you HAVE to go to Mass. You can still stay there without becoming a Catholic, or without reading a bible.
    We take care of humans. And to me... it just seems like JW only take care of their own kind. And if you're not JW and you don't plan on being JW, then you're nothing to them. You're someone to avoid and stay away from. And that's NOT what God said to do.
     Like, if you're disfellowshipped... you're shunned by everyone. Jen got disfellowshipped, and she didn't do anything wrong. And now she's not allowed to talk to you guys. How is that justified? Where does it say that that's okay in the bible? She was in the hospital and her only choice was to leave the kids with her husband. That's not  reason to shun her and not talk to her, and kick her out of the church. How the farm does that help her? It doesn't make any sense to me.

 

I have to go now. I'm sorry if anything I said offended you. I know I don't know everything, but that's what I see. I know that JW are good people, and they just want to serve God to their best ability. But it seems to me like they don't make a very good name for themselves. And how are they supposed to bring people in if everyone has this negative view of them?
    I hope I didn't offend you.
Love you!!

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Mustaches

6/18

Lawson and Jolie are going to vacation bible school out by Ken' house. Yesterday mornng, my mom made little mustaches for Lawson and Jolie so that they could be like Ken. And Lawson kept his on all day, all through VBS. Isn't that adorable? I love those kids.:D

Tomorrow, I won't be able to send you a message. I'll be at Ken's house. We're leaving today, and I'll be back on Thursday. So tomorrow, I'll just write you something on paper and then type it up once I get back home.

And then on Friday, I work. YAY. Actually, it's good. This pay period, I'll be working 3 days. That's GOOD. At least, it's good for summer time. But this last one, I worked for 4 hours. Thats not good. At all. That's like... less than $30, once it takes out for SS and Medicare. NOT good at all. And where will it go? Straight into the gas tank.

Yesterday I had to take the truck out to the ranch so that Memo can feed the horse. And that used a lot of gas. I had to go to Double D, then back home, wait for Memo to get off work, then go to the ranch so he can put it away. Then I went back home, and I had to take Jake back all the way out there so he could go swimming. Lots of gas. It went down to almost half a tank. That ranch is far out there. It's way out on Rincon, at almost the very end.

I'm sorry that I can't figure out anything else to say right now. But it's early in the morning. I just didn't know what time we'll be heading out to Ken's house and I wanted to make sure I sent you one today.
    It bugs Jake that I send you something every day. Not because he doesn't like you, but he says it's not good for me, because then I think about you all the time. He says he can tell it bugs me and it's always on my mind and that frustrates him. He says I need to go out and do stuff and not think about this.
    He doesn't get it,though. I'll be doing other stuff, but my mind still comes back to this. It's the only thing that I can focus on for more than an hour or so.
    He says, "She won't notice if you just don't send her something for one day." But I would know. And I promised you that I'd write something every day. I'm not going to break that promise. No, sir.

Well, I'm going to go now. I want to work on my book for a little while. Hopefully I'll be able to get a few pages out. :)

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Eleventh text

6/19

So... We have new letters from you. And the notebook. I havent read them yet because I'm at Ken's house. But Jacob read them. He seems pretty happy about all of it. But he also seemed happy about the last letters and Bailey and I didn't seem to agree. So... I'll just wait until I read it, and then I'll decide if it's good news or not.but you still have stuff at my house. You'll need to come get it. Ya know. See me.

I'm confused about all of this. About everything. I don't know what to think. It'll probably all make more sense once I actually read all the messages. You know? Once I have all the information it'll all make more sense.

I just miss you. I'm still staying strong, but it's hard. I know it's probably hard for you too. Not probably. Definitely. I don't know.

It bugs me though that you didn't write anything to Bailey. It's not like you. And when Jacob gets several letters and I have the notebook and Bailey still has to share one letter with all of us? It's not really fair to her, since she still writes to you almost every day and thinks about you alll the time and stresses about everything and it's just not fair. You asked her to be strong for you, but then you don't write her anything? It's not fair, gwen. I know you're stressed out but if Delainey gets a letter, and Delainey didnt even know where you are or the situation and the last few weeks of school she pretty much ignored you, and she hasn't been writing to you almost every day, and spending every day stressing about you, then Bailey should get a letter. If you can write several letters to Jacob, you can write one to Bailey. If you can fill up a notebook for me, you can write a letter to Bailey.

Jacob thinks that you staying jw means that we'll lose you. He doesn't understand that that's who you are, and if that's taken away from you then we'll be losing you.

i dunno. That conversation with him pissed me off. He said that if he only has you then that's all he needs and it needs to be the same with you. And I told him that that's asking too much. That's asking you to give up your faith and your relationship with God and that's the last thing you need. You need your faith to keep you strong and he can't take that from you, whether he agrees with your beliefs or not. That's who you are and I dunno about anyone else but I am NOT going to let him do that to you. I will murder him before that happens.

you know what I just noticed? When someone asks you "How are you?" you just automatically say that you're good. Ken just got home from work and said "hi how are you?" and I said "Good, how are you?" and then it wasnt until he went into the kitchen and put his stuff down that I realized it was a lie. It's not that I wanted to lie. It's just habit. But I'm not good. I'm a mess.I have to go. My phone's gonna die and I have to charge it. So I'll talk to you later.
Love you, Gwen.

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#The notebook

6/21

I didn't send anything yesterday. But I was busy. With the notebook. :D I am SOOO happy that I got it. :) 

So, yesterday, I guess you were at convention. You said on the 20th. So you'll be home soon. :)

I have to go to work today, and I really don't want to. But I also get to pick up my pay check (I could have gotten it yesterday, but it seemed kinda pointless to waste the gas to get to Chaparal and back if I'm going to be there today. You know? Plus, maybe I'll have some tips. I really hope I'm not working all by myself today. If Rachel's there, it would make my day AMAZING! I would be so farming happy. I haven't seen her all summer. But I'll probably end up working with Whyatt. Which is still WAY better than working by myself and only having Dave and Thomas for company. Except in the summer they only have one cook, so I would only get to have the company of one of them. I want to be working with someone. Preferably Rachel. :)

I don't know. I don't really have much else to say. I made your new email, tranferred everything, and deleted the old one. gwenvpsgifted@gmail.com no longer exists. :) Your mom might be kinda mad, and I hope you don't get in trouble. But at least you'll have an email that your mom doesn't have access to now, so she won't be snooping through your stuff. And I also sent an email to your dad, telling him that you have a new email. I hope you don't mind. But... I figured he's your dad and he should have a way to contact you.You know? Especially because I feel like your mom isn't going to let you talk to him. Why would she? She hates him. Even if he is your dad.

I miss you, Gwen. I'll keep writing to you, all summer. Because I don't know what else to do. I feel like I have to try to contact you or... I don't know.

In the notebook, you explained it like you were writing to a dead relative or something. That's exactly how I feel. That's how I explain it to Jake, too. Every day, Jake comes in and tells me that I need to stop thinking about this all the time, because it's no good. He doesn't like how I can't focus on anything else. He doesn't like how all I think about is you, because he can tell it puts me under a lot of stress. He can only tell because he's the only one who actually sees me in the morning and at night, when I'm not quite put-together. You know? Everyone else who sees me... It's when I'm okay and covering up the stress. But Jake and I are by ourselves at the house a lot, and he sees how... how it really affects me. And he doesn't like it.
     So I try to explain it in a way that he'll understand. That it's like a dead relative. That even though you know they won't be able to respond to you, you just need to talk to them. Because even if they don't reply, it makes you feel better just talking to them. :)

I have to go now. I have to get ready for work. But I'll fnish the notebook when I get home, and then I'll probably still send you something on here. :)

Still praying, still staying strong (I wrote this in the notebook, but I started bawling when I read that you wrote that. :) )
Love,
CC Raz (aka your fellow dead relative)

OOB#Just a small town girl

6/21

Living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going
ANY-where
     Except in Hickenburg there is no train. Well, there is. But it's not a passenger train. And I'm not really lonely. I don't really have anything in common with Journey's version of a small town girl.

But I didn't come here to talk about Journey (but I will tell you that up until last year, Jake thought that that song was called "Small Town Girl."  Wow. That song is more famous than the Star Spangled Banner. How the farm do you not know what it's called? He's an idiot). Actually, those lyrics weren't supposed to be there at all. It just kinda happened, because I titled the OOB, and the rest just kinda happened. But it's okay becase that's a good song. If I was writing the lyrics to "The Wheels on the Bus" I'd ask you to shoot me in the head. But since I'm not, I'll get on with what I really meant to talk about in this wonderful message to my wonderful best friend.

I was at work today. And, do you remember Art and Carol Pulis? They helped us with the press releases in 8th gade? Well she came in to Chaparal today.
   And so did Miss Robin, with Katie (but I didn't get to talk to her. She was leaving right as I was coming out of the back, and I didn't want to run and stop her just so I could say hi, maybe ask how/what KC's doing, and then maybe answer a couple questions about you real quick. But I still saw her).
     And so did this one guy (I don't know his name) that comes in every once in a while, who orders a quart of ice cream, then will sit at a table an eat the whole thing right there. And when he brings his kids (who are like 7 and 9), they will each eat an entire quart too. And they're all skinny.
      And so did Andy (the Wranglers' biggest fan. He's special needs, and he goes to every home football and basketball game and gets the crowd going, which really helps us. Like, 80% of the time that we just do the chant "Wickenburg Wranglers" and get the crowd to join in, he starts it. Another 10% of the time is when Lawson starts it, which is just about the MOST adorable thing EVER, and the whole stadium chants just because it's so cute. :D But that's Andy.
      That's why I love small towns. EVERY time that I work, I see someone who I know. It might not be someone I talk to, or someone I've seen any time recently. And sometimes I can't even remember where I've seen them until 3 days later when I'm sitting on my couch. But I still see people that I know everywhere. And that's what I love. People smile at me, ask me how I'm doing, ask about my nana and papa (if they're from the art club), or my aunt (if they work at the clinic or basically don't live under a rock because it seems like my aunt knows EVERYONE), or Lawson and Jolie (their teachers from the Christian Academy come there sometimes). It's just... It's nice. It's nice to see familiar faces all the time. And to have people know who I am. I'm not just some face in the crowd. And neither is everyone else.
     When Shelsey goes to HS... she'll be so lost. She won't be Shelsey. She won't even be "Cassie's sister" like she is at VP to all the teachers. At one of the football games, Mrs. Jacobson was talking to us down on the track, and we were talking about our hair. I said that I hate how straight my hair is because it's boring, and she said, "Well but your hair has waves in it some days." It's not like she knows that because I'm always in her office. She knows because we're a small school and you know people. Shelsey won't have that. You know how we look in the yearbook and there's maybe 20 kids total, out of all the classes put together, who we don't recognize or have never seen before? Shelsey won't have that. She'll just be another person, another face in the crowd, a number. She won't get to go into a class her sophmore year and have a brand new teacher, but that teacher still knows something about her, or already knows her name. She won't have any of that.

I dunno. I just... We got Oscar and Taz from Shelsey's school nurse. We went into the house and the lady's kids? The girl was in Lawson's class and the boy was in Jolie's. You can't go anywhere without seeing someone you know. When I go to Safeway, I either see Cubby (who I only know because when my mom lived in Wickenburg with my aunt when she was 19, she worked at Safeway and he was her boss and they always hug each other and spend like 2 minutes catching up), or that foreign lady who always flirts with Ken (it's really freaky. She's like... Russian, maybe? I dunno. But it is... Not pretty when she flirts with Ken. It just makes him laugh. But it makes me shiver), or my 8th grade softball coach (whose name is Cassie :)), or Luis (who always asks me when we're gonna fight, because last year in Biology he saidhe was gonna fight me after work, and he never showed up (it was all a joke, of course, because he's one of Alejandro's best friends), but then he ignores his job and walks me to my car to "make sure there's not a rapist waiting for me"). I go to Bashas and I see 50 gazillion people who go to our school, and their parents.
     Some people hate that. Some people don't want to have everyone recognize them. But I love it. It makes me feel... gosh my mind just went blank. Home. It makes me feel like I'm home. I don't get that in the city.

I dunno. I'm done talking about that. Let's talk about something else a little more important. Following is the list of people who have your new email address:
Me (of course)
Hay Bailes
That one boy you like- I can't remember his name.
Your dad (and maybe your grandma and Brittainey- he might have given it to them)
Mi madre (I hope you don't mind that she has it- but she might send you something encouraging and loving sometime and she should know the proper place to send it)
Delainey. She needs it. So she has it.
   Isn't it cool that you're not on this list? That you don't even know your email address? I thought it was cool too. But at least your mom isn't on the list.

I'll check in with Delainey every day. I know it's important to you. And I love Delainey too. I want to know how she's been doing.
   Yesterday, she said lots has happened over the summer. She doesn't talk to anyone anymore. Her brother is back home. He was doing heroin where he was, but now he's just smoking pot. And today when I asked her how she's doing, she said "I'm okay"    That's it. But when I told her about your email (which was also today), she said "Alright cool :)"   So, even if "okay" means she's not having a good day, at least she smiled a little, right?
    I think about her a lot. According to her FB, she's relearning how to play the guitar, so her fingers are all bruised and blistered. But... I don't know. I worry about her. Especially with you not here. But hopefully, when I check in with her, and with your letter, she'll keep herself together. :) Hopefully.

Wow. I expected this email to be short, since I'm saving a bunch of stuff to write in the notebook. But I did a pretty good job at making it pretty lengthy, I guess. :)

I've been looking for a lifeline
For what seems like a lifetime
I'm drowning in the pain
Breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline
I've been listening to this song on repeat for like the last hour. Nice.:)

I made a whole $4 in tips today. That's not even a dollar an hour in tips. :( Oh, Chaparal. :( And I didn't make a single sundae. And literally the first hour and a half I was there, we had no customers. And only one group ordered food at all today. It was a VERY long day. I had to stop rollin silverware because I ran out of knives. I RAN OUT OF KNIVES. And I cleaned every inch of counter in that place. Not just wiped it down, but scrubbed. It was the most boring day of my life. And Ed was there. The. Whole. Time. Groovey Moses it was TERRIBLE. He is a terrible singer. In 5 1/2 hours, he sang "Brown-Eyed Girl" 4 times. I love that song. But Ed ruined it for me. He is.... Groovey moses it was bad. I wanted to throw something at him. AND HE SINGS WHEN NO ONE IS THERE!!! Watchtower farms? Can I please just turn on the radio so that the songs are good? He sounds like Burt, from Sesame Street. Worst. Day. Ever. Not really. But it was REALLY annoying.

I have to go now. But... the only reason that I'm leaving is because I have like 4 billion things to write in the notebook. Now that I have the notebook, it's hard to decide where to put what. But this will eventually be in the notebook, so... you know. Whatever. I just have to respond to a few things (like how your mom wants a restraining order? And the note that was in your bag, and then just a couple other things that I feel like should be in my handwriting, not typed. That make sense? I hope it does.

As Hay Bailes would say, TTFN. (Ta ta for now, in case you didn't know).

Still praying, still staying strong, and I feel so much better the last couple days because I get to read your stuff. :)
Love,
CC Raz

PS- You know how a long time ago, I said that I have Mahala's notebook? Well... I don't. Or, if I do, it's lost somewhere where it will never be found again. Unless... hold on. Nope. I didn't put it on the shelf with our other notebooks.
Post Script Scrit (:P)- Our lovely notebooks are no longer in my closet in a box, but are on my bookshelf right by the computer. Eventually, maybe it'll cover the whole bottom shelf of my bookshelf. Wouldn't that be awesome? Yes. It would.

OOB#*music, music, and more music*

6/21 or kinda 6/22- Technically it's 6/22 but I haven't gone to sleep yet so... sorry

I. Love. Music. Some people might look at me and roll their eyes, or whatever. People who spend all day in their rooms playing their instruments, or are in bands, would just ignore the comment, or say that no, I really don't know what loving music is until I've created it (all this comes from past experience). But... I don't know. For me, it's different. I don't need to CREATE the music. I just need to HEAR it. And it make it all better, easier to cope, more... I don't know. I just like my music. :)

I don't know if I'll include this in the pages that I print off. I don't know if I'll be able to, because I have a feeling that there might be a limit on how many pages I can print. And since I'm already up to 40, I should probably stop for now. And it's 10pt font. That's a lot. It's over 30,000 words. And all worth it. :)  So I'll just keep printing it off as much as I can, as often as I can, until I have it all. :) And then I'll keep printing until I see you and can give you the notebook. Sound good? Good. :)

I need to go now. I have some stuff that I still have to do before I go to sleep. And it's 2 am. Awesome. Oh well. I just have to get some things ready.

On Tuesday, the three of us are meeting at the park to just talk about you, I guess? It was Jacob's idea. I don't know what he planned on talking about. He kept saying, "and we can figure out what we're going to do." Um... honestly, what can we do? Stay strong, keep praying, and hope for the best. At this point, that's all that we can do.

But I'll take that opportunity to summarize everything that was in the notebook for them.

Just so you know... Jacob read the notebook. Partially, it's my fault. I was at Ken's house and it was just... I was desperate to know what was going on. He asked if he could skim for important things. And I said yes. Because I needed to know. And then a couple minutes later he said, "I love reading the parts about me. It makes me blush." Oh. Well good thing you shouldn't be reading it! Because in her letter to you, she specifically told you NOT to read the notebook. And there is a big difference between skimming for important info and reading about yourself. It REALLY pissed me off. But I didn't have a chance to yell at him for that because right after that he started talking about how you can't have your faith anymore, and that pissed me off even more, and I yelled at him for that instead. But it sounds like he didn't read all of it, because he still asked me a bunch of questions. 
     He also asked me if I would tell him what it was that you didn't want Bailey to know. And I didn't answer because I was busy, so a while later he sent me another message saying, "Please I won't tell Bailey just please tell me" and that REALLY pissed me off. First of all, he's terrible at interpreting things (which is probably why you didn't want him reading the notebook, aside from the fact that there's a rule against it). You didn't say that the content wasn't for Bailey, but rather the method ofdelivery. He's an idiot. And second of all, if you didn't want Bailey to know, WHY THE FARM WOULD I TELL HIM? Who does he think he is? I don't know. Lately, he has just really really really really pissed me off. A LOT. I try to stay positive and I try to pretend like I really give a shit, for your sake (not meant as a guilt trip). But then I just text Bailey and we talk and she makes me laugh and I can deal with Jacob.

I don't know. I love you, Gwen. :) Gotta go, though.

Still praying, still staying strong. Hope to hear from you soon. I wish we could sit and I could look at your Convention notes and you could tell me all about it because I know you'll have a great time and feel so refreshed after Convention. According to the invitation, the theme is "God's Word is Truth!" based on John 17:17 "Consecrate them in the truth. Your word is truth." I wish you could tell me all about the plays that they put on, the talks and the experiences, and all that. I wish we could talk about all that. We always have been able to before. And now... we can't. You'll just have to write me an email or a letter telling me all about it. Sound like a plan? Kay. :)

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Higher places

6/22

If you can't stand the way this place is
Take yourself to higher places

So... I decided that the businesses in Wickenburg need a little talkin-to. After next week, the bank will no longer be open on Saturdays. I really hope that that's just until the snow birds come back, because during the summer, I need the bank to be open on Saturdays because that's the ONLY time that I can go to the bank when they're open. And they never gave me my ATM card, so I can't use go talk to the ugly teller (that's what my aunt calls the ATM machine).
     And you know how I was going to go to the library to print off all the stuff? Ha. Yeah, the library is now closed on Saturdays. It's open on Monday-Thursday. When has the library EVER been open on a Monday? Someone needs to be slapped. Hard.

You know.. I typed a message to you earlier, and then the computer had a spaz attack and exited out of the thing and I lost it all. :( Bummer.

I'm being attacked by ants. I don't know if all the bites (that just happened in the last 10 minutes) are from the ants in the kitchen, or if there are now ants in my room. But why would they be in my room?
     Groovey moses it's hot in this house. But I'm not supposed to turn th air on any lower than what it is now (75) because Mom has no money.

I didn't really write anything in the notebook today. I taped some stuff in there, but I didn't actually writ anything more. Maybe I'll put more in it tonight or in the morning.

Today... I've kinda just been really sad. I don't know why. All I know is that I just got... really sad this morning, and I kinda stayed that way. Maybe it's just because I miss you.

One thing good has come out of you leaving, though. Bailey and I have gotten a lot closer. Not as close as you and I, but a lot closer.

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
Just another regret
Hope that you can keep it
My dirty little secret
That's me. I'm your dirty little secret. :) Except I'm not dirty. I promise. I took a shower last night right before bed.
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I'm glad you're my friend, Gwen. There's a lot that I wouldn't be able to get through if I didn't have you. (Wouldn't be nothin' if I didn't have you. So put that thing back where it came from or so help me! It's out of our haaaaands!). So thank you. Are you prepared for the next 2 years, where your friendship with me has to be a secret? :( It'll be fine though. It's just two years, right?
Who has to know?

It started with a crush
Elevated up to love
Can't believe we still an "is"
Thought that soon we'd be a "was"
Look at us, how we be
Who know what it mighta been
Love so healthy you can see like the vitamin     (Vitamin C- pretty clever, huh? Just wait. It gets better)
You make me wanna get on down to my bended knees
Without all the bull, we still got the energy     (Bull as in Red Bull. Awesome)
And when I'm feeling sick I know you got the remedy
'Cause our play's still power like a hockey penalty
Royally loyal, that's why I know she hold the crown
Cliche, they may say, but she came from over clouds
And that's why I know my baby always hold me down
'Cause she's a knockout like boxing in the only round
And true, we have fights and even arguments too,
But always get through, talk, and add the "sorry" as glue
So you're the only lady I see through my lashes
A lot in common
Let's add my last name to that list
        No, I did not write that. It's just part of a song that I like. Well... it's part of a remix, and it's the only part of the song that I like. I like the concept of the original song, but her voice is SUPER high pitched and the music just kinda seems too depressing for a song like that. So I just play his part over and over again, and ignore her part.

I wanna be with you (WHOO!)
Ride with you (yeah)
Tell me baby do you feel me too
Whatcha wanna do
Girl you know I'm there for you
     Those songs make me smile. Lots of fun. Haha There were entire weekends where Rosa and I would just sit and listen to music and sing with these ridiculous faces.

Hey let me tell you bout a girl I know
Sat in her room one day starin' out the window
She made a melody grabbed an old pencil
And she tapped it on her lap and made her own temp
Time went by, all night she wrote
She heard her older sister yelling at her through the door
"Girl momma said you better come before your food gets cold"
But she kept on writing til the pencil broke
:) Gosh. I just... I keep laughing. Because we were so ridiculous.

I want you to know that real superheros can fly
And you so dumb you keep on wonderin' who'd be willin' to try
Livin' in yo mama's basement still collectin' the comics
No money in the bank
You must've skipped economics
And every time you see me
You always be on me
But as soon as I reject youYou go runnin' to Mommy
If we was arch-rivalsI'd win the fight
Think you so bad, but boy
I'm your kryptonite
Gosh. We used to have SO much fun with this song. And "So Over You"   I'm so over you, it's crazy. Took your number off of my phone, boy I'm dion' just fine alone. Can't believe I called you baby. :)  And Superman (the one that I have the lyrics to above) starts with "Yeah. Okay, homies" and my face and what I do with my head (that I used to do but now it's just like a reflex) is SO ridiculous and funny. GOSH it cracks me up.

Okay. I'm done with that now. :)  I have to go. I have to clean the kitcnen.

Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Deceased Male's Hypothesis

6/23

Hm... Doesn't sound right. I know there's a band kind of like that. But... no, that's not it. Oh yeah. I remember now. Theory of a Deadman. They're a pretty good band. I really like thier music. In case you were wondering.

You are not alone tonight
     Imagine me there by your side
     It's so hard to be here so far away from you
     I'm counting the days till I'm finally done
     I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one
     It feels like forever till I return to you
     But it helps me on those lonely nights
     It's that one thing that keeps me alive
Pretty much my exact feelings. It's kinda really really difficult not being able to talk to you, not knowing when I'll be able to talk to you, not knowing how things have changed and how they'll change in the future. But when I'm up at 3 am, and can't sleep, thinking about the foundation of our friendship helps.
     Knowing that you wait for me
     Ever so patiently
What is our friendship built on? It's not just our common interests (writing, little kids, laughter, sarcasm, etc), or our ability to always get good grades, or our writing abilities. It's our cores. How we were both raised to love God above all else, how our life circumstances have forced us to grow up faster and way sooner than we should have had to. Our love for our younger siblings. Honesty, respect, love. That's not a foundation that is going to crumble just because we go a few weeks without contact. And really, it hasn't been without contact. We've gotten some letters, and you've gotten some of my emails. It's not much, but it's something. You know?
     And the rest of the song is also good and makes me think of you, but only in a kind of... removed way. Because I'm pretty sure this dead man that sings the song is singing to a girl and so it's like "You're everything that I've ever dreamed of" and I don't want it to all get creepy and weird and you're sitting there thinking, "Did Cassie pull a Julia Baskin on me?" so I'll just stop there. But it's "Wait For Me" by Theory of a Dead Man. Listen to it. Learn it. Love it.

I've been listening to music a LOT the last couple days. Can you tell? Since like my last 4 messages have a whole lot of lyrics, or talk about how much I love music? Plus, in addition to the lyrics I've been adding in here, I've been writing down a lot of songs and lyrics in the notebook. I've been busy.

Be right back. I have to pee. And I'm back now. :)
Gwen, there's so much stuff taped in the notebook... it's huge. It's really thick. And I haven't even added all my emails to you (stupid library closed. >:() yet. That will come soon, though. Hopefully tomorrow. Because it said that the library is open on Mondays now. It's still really weird to me. But printing all this stuff off... it's going to cost me more than $4.00. It's worth it. But at 10 cents per piece of paper... it'll cost me. Better than wasting all the ink and paper at home, though. I can't even print off a couple pages here, because the printer is COMLPETELY out of ink. And... I dunno. Where do you go to get ink in Wickenburg? You don't. I don't think so, at least. So I'll just go to the library. It's cheaper than driving all around town and buying a bunch of ink.

There's something important that I need to talk to you about... I'm trying to decide if I should put it in the notebook or on here. I think... I dunno. I'll decide in a little while.

Did you know that Jake didn't know that Jacob was Jacob Olsen? I was showing him a message from Jake-up and Jake saw the name and he goes, "She's dating JACOB OLSEN?" He sounded really, really surprised. I mean... it's pretty much the same initial reaction that everyone gives you. But then do you know what he said? "I don't like him. She shouldn't be dating him." But it's not just what he said.
    You see, when Jake decides to be the protective older brother, his voice gets all deep and hard, and his chest kinda swells a little bit. I don't think he does it on purpose. It just happens. But that's what happened when he said that. He claims that he doesn't like you. But if you ever need a big brother to come and beat someone up, you can borrow Jake. But... you'll have to spell it out everything that happened, because we both know that he's kinda oblivious when it comes to seeing what's going on, even when it's right under his nose, at least a couple times a week, at his house, with 2 people who are very close to him. Groovey Moses that kid can be frustrating.

Why do I spell groovy like that? Groovey? No. It's not groovey. It's groovy. But I just... spell it wrong. I dunno. But I also don't capitalize Moses, which is a name and so it should be capitalized. :)

I was thinking about The Notebook Girls, and... How did they make one notebook last 3 years? I mean, it was one of the big ones, so we can count it as 2. But you and I alone have gone through 10 in one year. Plus like 7 with Bailey. And 2 1/2 with Delainey. And one with Mahala, one with Rachel. In ONE year. HOW did they make 2 notebooks for all 4 of them last 3 years? It's stressful how ridiculous that is. And they didn't have any classes together. And we had EVERY class together, and we still wote 29857983x more than them. ?!?!

My mom's in Sedona with Ken this weekend. I haven't seen the kids since Thusday morning. :( I miss them terribly.

I'm gonna go. I have to find something to eat for lunch. Because I haven't eaten anything since... I dunno. 5 last night?

See ya soon. :) Love you.

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Library

6/24

I'm at the library now, getting ready to print off all these pages. There are a lot of them, and it's TINY font (but you'll see that when you get it. So... have a magnifying glass handy when you read all this because... you might need it. It's A TON.). So... I'm not going to make this much longer. I'll just go ahead and print this off now, and then I'll write more later (and Thursday, the last day that the library is open, I'll print off all the rest of the new stuff and put it in the notebook for you. And hopefully, that won't be such tiny font because I won't have 30,000 new words to print off. Closer to 3000.

I'll see you soon, Gwen. :) I love you.
Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Accident Prevention

6/24

I have to hurry up and pack my stuff and get to Ken's house. Because if I don't, I will drive to your boyfriend's house and run him over with my truck.

He hasn't written to you since he first created his account. That was two weeks ago. You asked him to do this ONE thing. And he couldn't do it. Bailey was gone for several days, unable to get to a computer. But she still wrote to you while she was gone. Jacob has his tablet and his smart phone. Or the farming library! And he hasn't written to you in two weeks.

I was okay with him, Gwen. I even kinda liked him for a little while. Never as a permanent thing, but I figured it can't hurt to be with him for the next couple years. Now? I don't like him. Not. One. Single. Bit. AT ALL. The one thing he had to do for you was to write to you regularly. That was it. That. Was. It. I even told him, and Bailey told him, how he could do it on bookrix. And you know what he told BOTH of us? "Okay, I'll get right on it." \

This is my job. It's my job to keep him strong, to keep him from giving up, and to make sure that he doesn't go back to smoking and being a bad person. When he doesn't write to you, it's on me. Not on him. You'll forgive him. I know you will.

You. Can't. He couldn't do this one thing. This. One. Simple. Thing.  What does that say about the kind of future you'll have with him?

I. Am. Pissed. PISSED. I'm pissed that he's doing this to you, and that he thinks it's okay. I'm pissed that I have to babysit him, and I have to yell at him for hours before he says he'll send you stuff regularly again. I'm pissed that he's so shitty, and you won't even know that he hasn't messaged you in any way in two weeks. And then you'll get back, and it'll hit you. Hard. And even then, you might still forgive him. Because you love him. Not because he deserves it. He deserves to never get to talk to you ever again. And you might forgive him, because you think you need him, and you think you can't survive without him. THAT is what pisses me off.

I love you, Gwen. I do NOT want to see you get hurt. Ever. But he... What are you going to think when you get back, and there's 2 week missing? You were only gone for a little over 3 weeks! He stopped as soon as it got hard. As soon as it was more than just sending an email, he stopped. And he's going to hurt you.

So, I am leaving. That is my accident prevention, so that I don't hurt him for hurting you. Now, tomorrow, we're getting together at the park to discuss all this. How I am going to manage not mauling him then, I don't know. But I'll figure something out. And I'll do my best to stay calm and not scream at him either, because that won't do any good.

I love you, Gwen. Don't let someone, especially a guy, ESPECIALLY a guy who you've already compromised so much for, hurt you like this. It kills me not being able to talk to you. But it kills me even more that this boy is going to cause you so much pain.

I have to go. I love you. I'll see you soon. And I'll write a lot more in the notebook once I get to Ken's. But I just... lksd;fgjklrt I can't right now. I have to leave.

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Tripy

6/25

So, we're all sitting at the park, around 4:35. We being Bailey, Jacob, Delainey, and I. We're talking, and I start talking abou how I had a dream last night where we were here and you showed up to the park. And then... you know what happened? You farming pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car.
    There were several seconds of confusion. Is that Gwen's car? Yes it is. Is she in there? Yes she is. She just got out. Do we talk to her? Do we stay here? What do we do?
    I tried getting Lawson to go over to you and say, "Hi, Gwen!" and then I'd run after him so that he didn't run into the parking lot and get run over or anything. And then I'd notice that he just happened to be running towards you and I'd get to at least maybe say a couple words to you. Just... SOMETHING. But it just happened so fast and Lawson was confused about what I was trying to get him to do and it all just failed. If you had just stayed at the park for like... 2 more minutes. It could have worked. I could have talked to you. Heard your voice. Seen your voice. Maybe even touched you or hugged you. But it all just... happened. So farming fast.

It killed me, Gwen, that I couldn't go talk to you, that I couldn't go and hug you and just.... lfkgjklrt kldj  I don't know... I don't know. You were right there. Right. There.

I have to go now. I'm taking Lawson to the movies tonight, and I have to get him ready. I think I'll let him wear his batman costume because... why not? He's 6. Let him be a kid, right? I was going to take Jolie too, but she's sick so I'll leave her here with Jake.

I'll be back in a little while. Love you Gwen! See you soon!

And I'm back. It was funny. Lawson kept saying, "This is a fun movie." And then at the end, he goes, "They had a really big day." He's adorable. I ended up taking Jolie, because she felt better, and really wanted to go. And she was fine, and she liked the movie a lot. 
    The teacher in the scare can engineering class, or whatever that was, was Brantingham. All the way. The way he slouches, his inability to motivate the students or even keep them awake... Brantingham. It's ridiculous.

Shelsey neglects Taz. And for the weekend, Oscar was with her at Dad's house. And she neglected him. It pisses me off. I had to go pick them both up this morning, since Shelsey's leaving for Idaho soon and I have to take care of Taz. So I get there at about 11:30, and ask her where the puppies are. I follow her into her room. Still don't see them. So then he opens the closet door, and they're in the kennel. With the farming door shut. I put them outside, and then went to go get some stuff out of my old room (that I don't want at Dad's house anymore) and then I let them inside. And then when I was getting ready to leave (I was planning on staying for a few minutes, having some nice converation with my little sister), I bent down in the kennel to get their toys. And there was a huge pee spot on their towel. And Shelsey goes, "Sorry if it smells like pee. That's from last night." And I kinda looked at her and said, "Shelsey, it's11:30. What time did you wake up?" She told me 10. I asked her what time she went to bed. She said 10. "Okay. So that means that they had to sit on that pee-covered towel for at least 12 hours before you let them out." I didn't even mention the fact that that makes her room, and the whole house, smell lik pee. "Actually, Cassie, they sleep on the pillow." I wanted to slap her. So I told her that she can NOT leave them in the kennel like that for that long. And there's NO reason to, especially since she's there and just sitting on the computer. She was sitting on her floor with the lap top in her room, and the puppies were in the kennel with the closet door shut. They have a big house, and a big yard, and 2 other dogs to play with. It really shoudn't be that hard to let them out so that they can play. And change out the farming towel!! Or, do what I do. And wake up early enough to let them out in time so that they don't pee on the towel, and you don't have to change the towel out every day. Seems like a pretty good plan to me. 
      And so I got back to Ken's and told Mom all of this, and she said that Shelsey isn't getting Taz back because it's cruel to make Taz be in that environment. The whole point of the dog was to teach Shelsey some responsibility. But if she just ignores it,that's not teaching her anything, and Taz just suffers. She said, "I know it's more work and more responsibility to take care of 2 dogs instead of one, and it's not fair to you, but he can't go back there if that's what she thinks is okay. It's cruel to Taz." And  I agree with her. I'm not an animal rights activist or anything. I'm not going to go to a "Save the Whales!" rally. But... pets are supposed to be part of your family. At least, that's how it's always been in our family. And obviously the people in our family come first, but I've always been taught to love your pets like family. Because they become part of your family. And this... Taz isn't my dog. But he's a living, breathing being with a brain and a heart. He gets hungry,he gets bored, he gets tired and hyper and all that. And because he's a DOG, he needs to be taken care of. He always will need to be taken care of. It's not right that she treats him like she would a pet snake or lizard, who are SUPPOSED to stay locked up most of the time. But dogs are social. They need to be cared for and loved and played with.

Shelsey gets paid $20 a week to do her chores. Once a week she has to mop, scour both bathrooms, do laundry,dust, and sweep (she does this 2 times a week), and daily she has to take care of the dogs, take out the trash, and do the dishes. For that, she gets $20 a week. It's not like they're asking her to deep clean the house, and they give her $20 for doing that a couple times a year. She gets $20 a week for doing the most basic household chores in the world. That's a little over a thousand dollars a year. For doing. Nothing.
     And Dad owes me money. He owes Jake money. He owes Mom money. He owes Alejandro money. Not to mention the IRS and all the other debts that he owes to businesses and stuff. He owes a TON of money, and all he ever talks about is how he has no money. But he has enough money to pay Shelsey $20 allowance for farming cleaning up after herself? COME. ON. MAN he pisses me off.
     I said that in front of Ken the other day, and he was REALLY surprised. "Did Cassie just say the word pissed?" And it was genuine. It wasn't like... sarcastic surprise. It made me laugh.

I should probably wash Alejandro's truck tomorrow. Maybe I'll take Lawson with me. Because I don't wanna go alone. How lame would that be? I'd just feel super... bored, I guess. So I'll take Lawson with me. :) Sounds like a plan.

Next Tuesday, Bailey and I are going to go to meeting to maybe see you. Hopefully see you. Hopefully be able to talk to you. Maybe? I wrote about it in the notebook. I thought about going tonight, but Bailey brought up a bunch of points and reasons why we should wait a little bit, let you settle back into life with Mom before we show up and throw you back on the crazy emotional roller coaster. I'm glad I have Bailey to consult with, because... I'd be a mess without her. I mean, I am a mess. But she (with the guidance of Shy Asparagus, of course) always convinces me not to do stupid things that aren't supposed to be stupid, but would probably end badly and I just am to desperate to see how things could possible end badly.
    She's a really good friend. Always there (well.. kinda. Her phone isn't working right now, so she doesn't always recieve my messages until hours later. :( But we've been doing stuff through her email and that seems to work pretty well) for me, always got some good advice on how to not make the whole situation a whole lot worse than it is. :) I'm glad that I have her to lean on through this thing. Because without her, on top of not having you... I'd collapse.

I will see you again
Whoa oh oh
This is not where it ends
Whoa oh oh
I will carry
You with me
     I like that song. It's a good song. :)

You should be pleased to know that Bailey and I were both able to refrain from murdering Jacob with his own bicycle today. :) The kids running around, and the one sitting in my lap with a fever might have had something to do with it. If we chose to meet in a dark alley, the outcome might have been different.
     Not really. I knew I wouldn't maul him. We didn't go to talk about what he's done wrong. We went to talk about what you said in all the letters and all that. So... It was... It would have been rude and bitchy for me to even bring up the fact that he's a shitty boyfriend. And especially since Delainey was there and possible could have killed him... Yeah.

Delainey said that she thinks you should leave the church, and just be spiritually strong on your own, because your strength goes beyond the Kingdom Hall. And then Jacob agreed with her. While I agree that your strength doesn't come from JW, but from GOD himself, I recognize the importance of having a congregation or a parish to sort of... keep you on track, and to build that relationship with over your common beliefs. But... I didn't try explaining that to them because... it would have taken too long. And I'm not sure they would have understood. Because they don't have the organized religion experience like you and I. Their experience with organized religion isn't very good. But... having that congregation, those people who believe what you believe in and love you... That's not where you get your spriritual strength. But that's where a lot of the happiness and... completeness comes from. Being able to see all the people that God has helped in so many ways. It's... I can't think of the word. But... I dunno. I wasn't sure if they would understand. But I just said that I think you need your faith more than ever right now, but I definitely don't think that this congregation is doing you guys ANY good or helping you at all.

I'm exhausted. So I think I'll just put on some movie that I can fall asleep to and not think for a few hours. I love you, Gwen. I hope to hear from you soon. And see you soon. :) I love you, and I'll be waiting.

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

PS- The reason why this is titled "Tripy" is because after the thing at the park, Bailey wrote down that it was "tripy", meaning "trippy."  But I'm using tripy from now on. Also, needles and pins to say, instead of needless to say. Another great phrase brought to existence from the marvelous Bailey. :)  Love you, Gwen.

OOB#Little sister

6/26

Shelsey is... really irritating. Since 9:30 last night, I've had to clean up 4 pee spots and 2 piles of dog poop. Every single time, it was Shelsey's dog. I know because each time, I'd come around the corner and see him just finishing up. So I finally got my dog to stop peeing and pooping in the house, and now I have to train Shelsey's dog too, because she didn't. Makes me angry. But I'll get over it. It shouldn't take too long.

I found something that I wrote, and I liked it. I wrote it last year, about my mom and Ken. And... yeah. It's dated 6/30/12. And by the sounds of it, it was that day that I decided that I wasn't going to talk to Ken anymore, because I didn't like how he treated my mom. I'll type it in here so that you can read it. Because... I like it. Not what it's about, because it pisses me off. But I like the way that I wrote it.

Today is when it begins. A battle for freedom. A battle against a tyrant who doesn't mean to be. A battle against the pain and tears that keep breaking down the door. Today is the day the battle starts.
     I live with my mom, two brother, two sisters, and my mom's boyfriend Ken. It's a full house, but it used to be filled with warm smiles, open doors, and kind words. Today, that house provides shelter to those who hardly smile, to closed doors and late night screaming matches. All responsibility for the hostile cloud that hangs over our heads falls on my mom and Ken.
     This battle is against my mom's relationship.
     Ken abuses my mother, not physically, of course. That would be too kind. That would leave marks for others to see. That would make it easy for my mom. Easy to leave.
     But he wouldn't dare be so merciful as to hurt her physically. He's smarter than that, more cruel than that. It starts with a couple cans of Bud Light, the blue tin sitting in the fridge, waiting for him to come home from work.
     After he's downed that, he dives into the Crown, and that's when he gets mean.
     He tears into my mom with words as sharp as knives, as hard and forceful as a cast iron skillet. Words that sting as much as a belt. He goes on for hours, and then simply collapses into bed, leaving my mom awake, crying into her pillow.

It's really short. But... I think I did a pretty good job with it. But maybe that's just me. I dunno. 

I'm gonna go now, but I'll write more later. I have to go do a bunch of things. Love you! See you soon. :)

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Other little sister

6/26

You know that other one? Well, she's sick. Very sick. :( Poor girl. She's had a high fever off and on for the last 3 days. :( Poor girl.

I miss Bailey. Maybe God just wants me to be a loner, and he decided to take away my contact with my two best friends. :( It kinda sucks.

There must be more than this provincial life
Just watch, I'm going to make Belle my wife!
Look there she goes...
     And it goes on and on. :) I like that song.

Soon, but not yet.
     Trust me, pet
      MOTHER knows best
This song reminds me of someone I know... But I don't think you know her, so I won't talk bore you with the story of some girl who never did anything wrong, but her mom still tried to keep her locked up all the time.
       If you're Rapunzel, that would make Jacob Flynn Ryder. So am I Pascal or Max? I think Bailey should be Max because it took her longer to warm up to Jacob. So I get to be Pascal. Sounds good to me. :)

Well, now I'm talking to Bailey on gmail so everythings okay now. Well, not everything. Is there ever a time when everything is okay? klgjldsfkjg Mom and Ken's relationship has SO much drama. It drives me nuts.

Once again, she's getting tired of the arguing. Of always being yelled at and never being appreciated, and never being able to be herself. Tired of feeling obligated to stay with Ken, and not like she really wants to stay. The bad times are too often, last too long, and are too bad, and the good times aren't enough to make it worth it.
     I don't know if that means she'll be breaking up with him. Or staying with him. Or what. All I know is that she's not happy, once again, and that once again, there's NOTHING that I can do to help. That kills me.

I'm tired of the broadway versions of Disney songs come on on my Pandora. I like the Phil Collins version, not some dude singing it wrong. And now Sebastian doesn't even have his accent? Watchtower farms? STUPID.

I'm gonna go now. I have to do a few things in my room. And find my calendar, so that I can figure out what time I work tomorrow. Because I should probably know that, you know?

I have to figure out where the dogs pooped in here. It's smelled like poop all day, and I can NOT find the poop. So I should probably do that.

I love you, Gwen. See you soon. :)
Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Toddlers and Technology

6/27

I can't do it. I can babysit real toddlers. Not toddlers who are really teenagers and have technology and can possibly ruin everything. I didn't think I had to tell him "No, Jacob, don't do that" on this one. It's like having to tell Lawson not to lick the inside of the dumpster. It's just so... ridiculous that I didn't think I had to say it. Otherwise, I would have.

He emailed you to the dontknowdontcaredontask email. The one that your mom has the password to. He says he just told you about the incident at the park. But... is he lying? Groovey moses I hope not. Watchtower farms was he thinking? The only thing I can hope for is that your mom just forgot about that email because she found out you were using the other one (by the way has she said anything about the email being deleted?), and that you'll be able to get on while... Hold on. Is your email password the one that's different from everything else? Let me try your universal one... If I can log on and delete his emails, maybe delete the whole email? I won't delete all of it because you might want it. But I can get rid of the ones from Jacob. Nope. I couldn't log on. What could the password be? I know you've told me before. But I just can't remember.

I'm going to tell him to put all of his emails onto a book on bookrix, so that you can download it onto your ereader. I thought he'd take the hint at the park when I told them all how you got to read our emails. I thought he'd take that hint, plus all the times when I told him, "Just do what Bailey and I do. Just do what we do." lkjfsjsdkjfkl No. Common. Sense.

I don't get it, Gwen. How can someone so smart fall for someone so stupid? Don't take that the wrong way. I know it probably hurts you to hear me say stuff like that because you love him and you need me to not hate him right now. But Gwen... I just can't do it anymore. I can't babysit him. I can't be telling him things tht he would know if he just had common sense, while keeping Delainey from busting down your door, while dealing with everything that's going on in my family. I love you and I would do anything for you. And I don't blame you at all for all this extra stress. It's not having to deal wth him that bugs me. What bugs methe most is that you want to spend the rest of your life babysitting him and telling him not to lick the inside of a dumpster.

I'm still trying to keep him positive about yours and his future together, so that he still fights for you. And at the same time, I'm trying to tear your image of him down, reduce it to shreds. I feel deceptive, just plain mean. I feel like I shouldn't be doing this right now because you have so much other stuff going on. But Gwen. You can NOT be with him. It's just going to cause you SO much hurt and anger and frustration and... it's not worth it, Gwen.

PO Box 3068. That's where you can send me stuff. I don't want to go through him anymore. I can't. I just.. can't. I never really had much faith in you guys as a long term couple. Marriage and all that. But I figured high school is high school and it doesnt really matter. But you do NOT need this right now.

Delainey and I are going to go to meeting together on Sunday. I should probably see if Bailey wants to go too. Delainey was going to go to your house today, and see you. I convinced her that right now, it wouldn't be a good idea. Because we know nothing about the situation. Delainey showing up at your house alone with no knowledge of the situation? That scares me. There are just too many things that could go wrong. So I told her to wait until Tuesday meeting. Or, if she can't wait until Tuesday, I'd go with her on Sunday. I just think SOMEONE needs to be there with her, to restain her if necessary. Or something. I don't know. I just... I'm doing my best to look out for her and I hope I'm doing a good job. If not... I don't know what to do. I can't fail you with her. That would just... destroy you. I'd never forgive myself. It would destroy me too. I feel like... Delainey is my second chance. I screwed up with Rosa. I couldn't help her, couldn't make her better. Delainey is my second chance. I can't screw up with her. Of course, right now I just have to try to make sure she doesn't kill herself.
    But she went to the Kingdom Hall this morning and looked at the meeting times. She sent them to me. I just have to go to her house and wake her up in the morning, so she can shower and get ready. I can do that. I can keep her safe and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid for that time that I'm with her. But I feel like I realy need Bailey there to keep ME from doing something stupid. A different kind of stupid, maybe. Or, maybe not. I'm so desperate, Gwen. I need to see you, hear from you, talk to you. I'm desperate and so is Delainey. It would be desperate stupidty. But... I think I'll be okay. Just stick to the plan. It's not really much of a plan, so it shouldn't be hard to stick to. It's our best bet. But I just couldn't let Delainey go alone. I know Bailey and I decided that Tuesday would be better because it would give you more time. But... I have to take Delainey's instability into account and make adjustments.

You need to read the book "Hush." It's by the same girl who wrote Evol. It's equally as great. Well... No, I think I liked Evol better. But this one got more of an emotional rise out of me. I was so made at one of the characters that I was actually shaking. It's amazing. She said in one of the messages that there will be a sequel soon. Soon better be within the next 48 hours because I'ma shoot someone otherwise. Not really. That was a joke. But... you know. I can't just be left hanging.

Summer is halfway over, almost. Crazy. It seems... these last few weeks have lasted years. I've been busy, for the most part. Of course there are days when I'm not busy at all. But generally, I've kept busy this summer. But it just drags on so slow. It seems so long ago that I went to your house to pick up the notebook. But I still remember everything. When I got into the car after you had to go back up, I just... cried. And cried and cried and cried. I didn't think I was strong enough to deal with all of this.
     But now? I'm alright. I have to be strong. What's the alternative? Not be strong and live with the guilt that I let you down when you needed me the most, and didn't even try? No way, Jose. I don't know if all that I'm doing will work. It might just make things work. But I'm trying. I'm doing my best to stay strong for you. 
     And it's okay to cry. It doesn't make you weak. Just makes you human. Right? It means that you do have a point where things get too tough, and you need a release. That's okay. As long as you get back up and get on with what you need to do. So that's what I've been doing.

The dog chewed up my flip flop. Nice. Now I have to go get new ones.

I work with Rachel tomorrow. :) Hopefully, we'll be able to chat for a while while we're there. If Pam's not breathing down the back of our necks, we'll be fine. I haven't worked with Rachel in FOREVER. It makes me so happy.

This girl came in and sang today. Maybe you've heard of her. Holly Jo. She's SUCH a good singer. It was awesome. She'll be famous someday. She's amazing. There were a bunch of people who came to Chaparal specifically to hear her sing. It was awesome.

I really want to go to bed now. It's almost 1 and I have to work tomorrow and I want to get some good sleep. So I'll say goodnight to you, then goodnight to Bailey, and then go to bed.

See you soon, Gwen. Like... Sunday. We might not get to talk to you. But we'll see you. You'll see us. I promise. I won't let you leave wthout seeing us, knowing that we're here for you. I'll make sure that we're there early, and we leave late.
Still praying, still staying strong. Always. :)
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Let the countdown begin

6/28

So many things happening. So many things to count.
Days until I see you with Delainey: 2
Days until I see you with Bailey and Delainey: 4
Days before Alejandro moves: 4 (possibly- more on that later)
Days before Stuebenville: 14
Days before Louie's: 21

I don't know when Alejandro's leaving. I don't know where he's going. 2 weeks ago, he told me he'd bought a plane ticket to Michigan on July 2nd. But he just got back from Mexico, and now he wants to go there and work with his cousins for a few months, and then come back and go to Michigan and go to school. And he might leave on the 2nd, or he might leave a week later. Who knows? Apparently he didn't really buy the ticket to Michigan. 
    So I don't know when he's leaving. All I know is that he is. I know that I'm losing my sister and my brother. And you're kind of dead so I sorta lost you (but I'm not giving up. But you know what I mean). And I'm losing Alejandro, who has, over the last 2 1/2 years, been so many different things to me. He started out at just my brother's friend. You know, that relationship that you have with your brother's friend. It's not... I dunno. It's

Why is Aretha Franklin on my Disney Pandora? Idiots. Now 2 John Mayer songs in a row? On Disney? Watchtower farms? I mean... this is a good song. But I want Disney. I don't car about dreaming with a broken heart or one that's healed. I want Disney.

Anyway. Alejandro. He was my brother's friend and my friend's brother. I knew him, I talked to him if I saw him, but I didn't seek him out. But then he became my friend. I would text him, or sometimes he would text me. If he and Jake were hanging out, he'd always include me.
     The he became my first high school crush. He was goo looking, treated me nice, was funny, and just.. he was Alejandro. What girl that he knows really well HASN'T had a crush on him?
     But then it was more than a crush, more than just friends. Whatever that was, it wasn't just friends. We talked like people in a relationship. He wanted me to wear his jacket. He wanted to hold my hand and hug me and no, Pandora, Bob Marley is NOT Disney. Alejandro wanted the relationship without the commitment. Not te sex, because he knew he wouldn't get that from me and I like to believe that he cared about me enough as my brother's friend and my friend that he wouldn't do that. But he wanted the closeness, the different kind of friendship, that kind of stuff, without the commitment and the label. I don't know if it's because I'm Jake's sister, or if it was because I was a freshman and he was graduating. Or it could just be because it was Alejandro. But he was, for several months, more than just a friend.
     He was my first real heartbreak. What he did destroyed me. And for a while, we were those 2 people who awkwardly say hi because he knows he hurt me and I'm hurt and trying to figure out if he's really sorry or not.
     Then, he became my big brother. He protects me. Keeps me safe. Not that I put myself in dangerous situations, but he doesn't even like it when people cuss around me. 
     He's been so many things. I don't know how to feel as he leaves. Because of how he hurt me, I want him to leave. I want him to just go. Get outta here. But... he's my brother. And I need my brother. Because... I've never had to do without my brother. And now I'm losing both of them at the same time. I'm gong to miss him. A lot. I don't want him to go. You know?

I have to go take a shower so that I can maybe start getting ready for work. And then at 10:30 or so, I haveto call Delainey. She told me to call her a little after 10. And I work at 11. So I don'tknow how long itll take, and we might have to finish our conversation once I get home from work.I have no idea what she wants to talk about or how long it'll take. But we'll see. Right now, I have to shower. I'll be back though.

I'm back. And I'm frustrated. Mom had to go to the welfare office to work out some stuff with the health insurance, because she tried to get Jake and Shelsey taken off (Jake's 18 and Shelsey's living with Dad, so they aren't elligible for it anymore), and they took Jolie, Lawson, Mom, and I off instead. So I have to babysit. And get ready for work. And call Delainey. And the dogs have been pooping A LOT lately, and it's not solid. Like it sorta is, but it's SUPER soft and gets rubbed into the carpet if you don't pick it up JUST the right way. And they KEEP pooping. I'll take them outside and they poop a lot and then they come inside and a few minutes later they poop again. And then if Mom and Nana aren't back by 10:30 or so, I have to take the kids to Papa's because I work at 11. It's frustrating. A lot going on in the next 2 hours.

But then I get to go to work and that should be pretty easy because no one will be there and I'll just get to talk to Rachel. :)

I have to go. My hair needs to be put up and my make-up needs to be done and I wanna get that out of the way before things get crazy (it's relatively calm right now).
     I'll write more when I get home, I guess. I should be able to.
     Bailey said she'd bring me cookies at work today. That's going to be AMAZING.

Love you, Gwen. I'll see you soon. Might not get to talk to you. But I'll see you in 2 days.
Still praying,still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#New music

6/28

Just put some new music on my mp3 player. I took it off of the "Worship Jams" CD. That's such an old CD. I just found it the other day. And it just makes me feel better. :) It just... makes me feel happy haha there's one that Lawson loves, and it's the cutest thing ever. Then there's the "Dumb Power" song. Groovey Moses that's a funny story.
       We were in the car one time listening to... it was either Micheal W. Smith or one of the other worship songs cds... I don't think it was this one. But anyway... Shelsey (she was really little) said she wanted to listen to the Dumb Power song. So mom went through the CD until Shelsey said it was the right one. Mom listened and she heard the part where it goes "wis...dom, power, and love". They drag out the wis, and the the '-dom, power" is smushed together. It was the funniest thing ever. :) Shelsey used to be so cute.

Okay. Well.. I should probably go now, because I have to watch the kids. But I'll be back later. I'm thinking of going to the Cam Imagination thing tonight. Maybe you'll be there? That would be awesome. :)

Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#El campo de Imagination

6/28

I'm glad I went tonight. I went with Lawson. And Bailey and I got the last two tickets! Yeah!! It was awsome. :) Rachel was the scarecrow. Kaylie Mills was the good witch (I ALWAYS forget her name), Joey Sweeney (I dunno if you know him. But he and Shelsey used to be pretty good friends) was Oz, Amy Elinski was the lion, Stevie was the tin man, and Audrey was the Wicked Witch of the West. And Nancy... I dunno how to spell her last name so I won't try, but she's gonna be a senior) was Dorothy. She was a pretty good Dorothy. She walked out on stage and Lawson goes, "Wow. She really looks like her."  It was adorable. :)

Now, tomorrow, I ACTUALLY get to work with Rachel. I lied this morning. I didn't actually lie. I just remembered wrong. But today I worked with Whyatt. I'm pretty sure he was definitely high when he came in. Like... REALLY high. But... I'll just leave it alone. I'm so excited to work with Rachel tomorrow!!! Like... SUPER excited.

I'm waiting for Bailey to answer me on gmail but she's not on right now. :( Her stupid, broken phone.

Delainey said that she went to your house yesterday. And you weren't there. So she talked to your mom for half an hour. Wow. And no one killed anyone. She said that it was actually a good talk. Now, if it had been me, who knows what would have happened. Or, maybe it would have ended the same way. Your mom is very good at decieving people. And acting. She said that they both agreed that we should wait longer to go to meeting, because you need more time to get settled and readjust to life at home. I agree that you need that time. But I also feel like... if you're here in Wickenburg... And we know where we can get ahold of you, then the longer we wait, the harder it'll be for you. Because you'll know that we know we can reach you at the Kingdom Hall, but it'll look to you like we just don't care. I dunno. I'll talk to Bailey about it and see what she thinks, and I'll keep talking to Delainey for as long as she keeps replying to me. But... you know. Sometimes she doesn't.

Dang. Every time I want to talk to Bailey about something serious, we get way off topic. We're talking about what foods/methods of suicide are masculine or feminine. Good thing I need to talk to her about something important. But we'll get to that. It's not even 10 yet. We still ahve a couple hours before one of us will decide to go to bed

I just got back from a long talk with my mom. Almost 2 hours. We kinda talked about everything. I like those talks with Mom. :) They make me feel... I dunno. I just, whenever I have these talks with my mom, I have all these realizations about how I feel and how I think and things just make more sense. :)

I'm talking to Bailey about the Delainey stuff now. I'm going to finish with her, then goto bed. And Ill tell you all about it int he morning. But for right now, I'm going to go ahead and end it so I don't have to worry about it later.

See you soon. :)
Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

 

OOB#Unresolved

6/29

So... I kinda fell asleep last night before I got to finish the conversation with Bailey. But... I dunno. I just feel like there's no BEST way to do anything. Because no matter what we do, it's clouded our fear and our doubt.
      I had a dream last night where your family and my family were at like... it was kinda like a soup kitchen, I guess. It was REALLY nice, though. Very clean and it was a really pretty building. But it wasn't a restaurant. Definitely a "You're poor? Here's some free food" type of thing. But we were sitting at different tables, and you had your back to me. When you got up to put your plate in the little window thing, I stopped you and I tried to talk to you. And you just walked right by (even though your mom had her back to us as well). On your way back, I grabbed your arm and your eyes like... kept looking over at your mom and you said, "I can't really do this right now." I said "I know but I..." and then I couldn't figure out what to say next because there's SO much I wanted to say and I couldn't decide which came first. Finally, after standing there with my mouth hanging open for a couple seconds, I said, "Are you okay?" You just walked back to your seat with your mom and I just... kinda watched you. And after a few minutes, your family was ready to leave, and your mom picked up Lola and headed outside (Lola was like...2. And Cassidy wasn't there at all). Kenny followed her, and they left you to pick up the plates. You took the dishes to the window and on the way back, I stopped you. I figured that sice your mom was outside, out of sight and earshot, you'd be okay to talk. I'd find out a little about what was going on. But... you didn't. You stopped in front of me, and I started to open my mouth and you said, "Cassie, I don't want to talk to you." And you walked out. And that was it.

It broke my heart. Not just in the dream. But my real, nondream heart. That's not how you really feel, is it? If it is... I'll still keep strong. I'll still be here, waiting for you. I'll always be here for you. You could not talk to me for 30 years, and I'd still be waiting for you. That sounds like I'd just be this recluse who doesn't ahve any other friends because I was only waiting for you. That's not it. I'll always love you, Gwen. You'll always be my best friend.

I'm just... I don't know. There are so many different things that I could do.
     1. I could go to your house. Bring a couple of your JW books back to your house, say, "Hi, I just wanted to give these to Gwen. I thought she might want them, and I didn't want to keep them all here. But I still have more of her stuff there, and there's no hurry to get it out of my house, but if she wants her stuff back, you guys are welcome to come by and pick it up. Oh, and would it be okay to talk to Gwen while I'm here?"I could maybe just sit and ask you about Convention, maybe just a couple questions about how Colorado was etc.
     2. I could go to meeting on Tuesday as planned (Not going tomorrow anymore. I originally wanted to wait unti Tuesday but told Delainey I'd go on Sunday with her, but now... She's not going so there's no reason for me to go) and hope and pray that it doesn't end up like my dream. Hope that it's okay to talk to you.
     3. We could live vicariously through Delainey. Since apparently her and your mom are best friends now (oh, and Delainey said that your mom doesn't hate us. Umm... that's why she wants a farming restraining order), and your mom might let her in to see you, we could just contact you through Delainey. Maybe she could smuggle letters back and forth and all that.

I just... I really don't like number 3, though. Because... well, lots of reasons. They're pretty much all selfish. But... I just feel like Delainey doesn't deserve to be the only one who gets to talk to you. Bailey and I have been doing this since Day 1. Delainey was brought into this a week ago. And then she just waltzes in and does whatever she wants. And that... bugs me. Dailey and I should be the ones to go and see you. Not her. She hasn't earned it.
     I can stay strong, Gwen. But my strength will only last so long without being able to see you. I need to see you and talk to you. When I say that it's killing me, I'm serious. Now, I probably won't actually die. But it's eating me. I can feel myself just... losing my mind. Completely. And having Delainey be the only one to talk to you... that won't stop the erosion. It could slow it down, but it won't stop it completely.

I don't know. I'll probably just go to meeting on Tuesday. You're just so close. And I know where I CAN find you, and where I can maybe talk to you, but see you at the very least. You're so close that I just can't... NOT go. For my sake and yours. I can't let you think that we gave up.
     By Tuesday, you'll have had enough time to get readjusted to life with your mom. It's not like you were gone for 3 years. You were gone for 3 months. So on Tuesday I'll get ready with my bible and a notebook and I'll go and see you. Maybe talk to you. I dunno. I don't know. At all.I just.. I can't think. The fact that you're so close is just.. too much.

I should take a shower eventually. But I have more than 3 hours before I need to worry about it.

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echos
Tell myself it's time now
Gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head
Losing him was blue like I've never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
   I like thatsong. I don't like all of Taylor Swift's new stuff. Actually, I like hardly any of it. Her old stuff, I like. And a couple of her new ones. Like this one. I like this one.

I have less than 2 hours before I need to go now. I don't want to go to work at all. I dunno. I just... I got about 4 hours of sleep last night and it's going to be super boring because no one's gonna be there. And Rachel will be there, but so will Pam and so I won't actually be ableto talk to Rachel like I want to.
     Pam really really made me mad yesterday. This table had ordered food, but they didn't eat it all, and so they wanted boxes. So I brought them to go boxes, and then went to go clean this one thing, and then once I was done with that I was going to go clear away the plates so they weren't in the way on the table. And while it's not like it takes that long to clean it. So the plates wouldn't be sitting there too long. But while I was finishing cleaning that one area, Pam came over and said, "You need to watch the tables more closely. Like that one table. It looks like their plates have been sitting there for a while." First of all, they'd been there for like 30 seconds. I tried to say, "Okay," because that's all that NEEDS to be said. When your boss tells you that you need to do something, you're better off just saying okay than making up excuses, even if you're right and she's wrong. But you know. And so I said "Okay" and finished cleaning like the 4 square inches that I had left, and she stopped me and said something (I don't remember what it was) and it just REALLY irritated me. Because the plates had NOT been sitting there very long. At all. And I knew what I was doing. Maybe she didn't see me take them the boxes. But I did, and it hadn't been very long. And it's just every little thing that I do, she mircomanages me. I'm a smart girl. I can figure out that when the cones are low, it's time to restock them. But I can't do that when I'm in the middle of making 4 milkshakes. The woman drives me nuts. I don't just sit around and do nothing. I clean, if there's no one there. I make sure that everything is stocked. Dishes are done. Tables are clean.
     OR, I'll be scooping prickly pear ice cream. It's REALLY soft and sticks to itself. Its pretty much impossible to get it into a pretty scoop. You can get it onto the cone. But it just looks like a big blob, not a scoop. Because that's just the way that that ice cream is. But she stopped me and said, "Before you put it onto the cone, get it into a little ball instead of shaping it when it's on the cone." Um... I've worked here since March, woman. I think I know how to scoop the farming ice cream. It's not even like it's a really complicated process that you have to learn. It's jst something you do. But with prickly pear,you CAN NOT get it into a pretty little ball. You can make it into a small ball. But our scoops are bigger than the scoop. Oh, wow. The balls of ice cream are bigger than the spoon we scoop it with. So the prickly pear jus falls over the side and sticks to the rest of the ice cream in the tub. When its in a cup, it doesn't really matter much. But when people order prickly pear on a sugar cone... I want to quit my job.

I'll be back in a little while. I have to do my hair for work. And now I'm back. Eh. I look decent. Not great. But decent. I won't be chasing any customers away.

Okay. I'm tired of talking about work. For the next hour, I'm just not going to think about work. Sound good? Good.

Maybe when I get home I'll work on my book. I need to finish it. And I'm at a good point where I'm not stuck. I know where I'm going from here. But I just... have no motivation right now. But you know what? This book full of emails? It has almost as many words as The Azuli. That's crazy. REALLY crazy. Because... how long did it take me to write that? It took like 4 months. If I kept going on with this all summer (which I will), how long would it be? I think... for the summer, I'll have one book of stuff for you to read. And then for the school year, I'll have a new book. Because... I dunno. It's different. It's a whole different attitude and outlook, school vs summer.
      I can't believe that summer is only half over with. Because... it has just taken SO long. I saw Mr. Elinski last night at the performance and he asked how summer was going and I said, 'Long." It was just one of those answers that comes out without you thinking. But... It has been. And I've had work and cheer and trips to Ken's house and meetings at the park and lots of stuff going on. But all that stuff is overshadowed by the fact that I don't know if my best friend is okay at all. So each day just drags on.

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beatiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be
What you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me
       I used to know this whole song by heart. I like it. I mean, I'm not a big fan of Jesse McCartney. I never was. But I like this song. It's good. :)
     You know who he reminds me of? Well, I guess who reminds me of him? Hunter Hayes. They look a lot alike, they're both young and just... yeah. They don't really sing the same kind of music. But they just kinda remind me of each other.

Good thing Pandora AND YouTube both just stopped working. Love not having my music.

So... my mom isn't going to stay with Ken. But she's going to try to get him to break up with her, for lotsa reasons. I just...  I don't know. I'm worried. About a lot of things. That she'll go back. That he won't break up with her and she won't have the balls to break up with him. I'm just worried about a lot of things. But it's not healthy. And she needs to get out. Now.
     It hurts so much to see my mom in some of the situations she's in. Not that she's completlely innocent. Sometimes it's her fault she's in those situations. But it still just hurts.

My ingrown toenail is infacted again. :( It hurts.

I need my back popped. BAD. I'll ask Lawson ifhe'll walk on it for me. It won't fix it completely but it'll help.

I gotta go now. But I'll write more when Iget home.

Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

 

OOB#Greetings

6/29

Not from me. From other people. Rachel, Diana, and Gema. Actually, Diana and Gema said hi a long time ago, but I forgot to tell you.

I feel... tired. Exhausted. From everything. My mom... I just... I feel like I need to protect her. Always. Whether it's getting her heart broken, or just people looking down on her because she's had a divorce, I need to protect her. Is that sad? Good? Bad? That I have the kind of relationship with my mom where I feel like I have to protect her. Shouldn't it be the other way around? I know she's protective of me, but... not really. Because I don't need to be protected against. I'm not under constant scrutiny of the people who've always had everything handed to them and have never been through anything tough in their life.

Mmmm. I got Hassayampa mud today after work. :) Gosh, it's so great. So... refreshing. After a long day of being bored and sweating like crazy... I need some ice cream to relax. :) And Bailey's phone is finally working again so we can text. :) And I'm listening to Disney music and I feel like the whole world is good. And for this moment, everything is perfect.
     *In Flynn Ryder's voice* And then that moment ended.

Well... not really. It didn't end. I just... yeah. I have a tendency to make movie and song referneces a lot. It's just... I dunno. I've always done it.

It's time to take my hair out now. And I'm in my jammies. I just... I'm ready to go to bed. Haha and it's 6. Oh well. I'm TIRED. I'm not actually going to bed, I just wanna be comfy. You know?And my head itches and I can't scratch it because of my bun. :( So it's coming out. Now.

And I'll be taking care of business! Taking care of business!  This song always makes me think of Air Bud. Is this song even in that movie? I feel like it's when he's giving the dog a bath and all that. But who knows? I could be wrong.

I have to go do something. I may or may not come back later to add more. But... this is my second message today so.. If I have something I need to tell you, I'll do it. But otherwise... I'll just message you tomorrow.

See you soon, Gwen. :)
Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

PS- Ed always sings a song (I don't remember what song it is) and then he'll say, "That's a song by CCR." and the only thing I can think when he says that is, "What? I didn't write that song. Weirdo." Haha I guess it's really not that funny. Like at all. But... where would the world be without lame jokes? No where.

PPS- I think that Jake is either high or drunk. He's in California, texting me, and.. "Hey sis :) lol" Um... What?
     Um... yeah. He's high. I asked him how the trip is going and he said, "Omg its spectacularrrrrrrrrrrrr we found a cannabis cluuuubbbbbbb" Hmm. Yeah, that would explain the "sis", the smiley, and the "lol" at the end of the message. And the fact that I got a message at all when he's on vacation with Alejandro. Whatever. Have fun, Jake.

OOB#FSDepression

6/30

I hope that that message didn't say anything important, because... yeah I couldn't figure it out. Something's wrong with it. WAY wrong. So... yeah. I spent like half an hour trying to figure it all out. And then I just gave up. Because I redid the whole alphabet thing over and over and over, tried going up and down, and nothing made sense AT all. AT ALL. So... Sorry. :( Maybe... I dunno.

Everything is still so confusing. No questions were answered. And next time you write a letter saying that you're saying goodbye, PLEASE put a farming date on it so that I know if it was written before or after the one saying that you'll never let me go. Please? And thank you.

And if you're going to write a coded message, it better not be about dancing and how much you can't wait (!) to dance and how much fun you had floating the river in an inner tube. If I'm going to spend that much time decoding a message, it better be important. Please and thanks.

Sorry. I sound mad. I'm just kinda pissed at... Everyone, I guess. It's just... I'm so confused. I don't know what I'm doing and honestly, you have no farming idea how much it pisses me off when you say that I don't live by Bible principles. Um... Sorry, Gwen. Sorry I'm not JW. That does NOT mean that I don't follow what the Bible says. I'm going to a farming CATHOLIC college. Yeah, I know. It's not JW. But I'm obviously not choosing it because it's ranked as one of the best party schools. In less than 2 weeks, I'm paying almost $200 to go on a 3 day trip where we will do nothing but learn more about God and our faith, and spend time strengthening our relationships with God. But you're right. I don't live by Bible principles. Sorry I don't use YOUR Bible to guide my beliefs.

And your mom is deciding to work even less? Cool. You know, it's really funny that you guys say you don't have anything to do with government, unless you're recieving money from them. I think that's REALLY funny. So that your mom can spend her time walking door to door all day, while other people get to pay for her. And I know we're on welfare too. But my mom does have a job. And she has income other than the government. We don't rely soley on other peoples' tax dollars to pay for our stuff. Your mom doesn't have any little kids anymore. They are all old enough to be home by themselves for a while. And if you'll be homeschooled, then they won't be home alone. She should have a part time job AT LEAST. One with regular work, not just every once in a while. I know this isn't your fault. But it PISSES me off. I have NO respect for that woman. She CHOOSES to let her children live in poverty. Is that really what God wants? For you guys to have to CONSTANTLY rely on other people for your basic necessities? REALLY? NO! That is NOT what God wants. Your mother needs to step up and be a mother. She's divorced and her ex husband doesn't pay child support. Do you know what that means? That means you get a farming job and pay for your kids.

I am just so pissed. At everyone. Everything. My mom said that Ken isn't going to Idaho with us because every time they talk about it it ends in a huge fight and she doesn't even want to stay with him right now so why would he come with us? But now he's coming. Now everything's fine. Really? Because the last two nights I had to hold you while you cried because you were sick of him. She's not the only one who has to ride this roller coaster. Just farming break up with him! If you don't want him around, and he's constantly an asshole to you, and the good times aren't worth it, then stop inviting him over for dinner, stop inviting him to come on our family vacations, and stop hugging and kissing him every chance you get! Just STOP. Stop. And don't tell me to come read Gwen's letters in your room so that I can tell you the important stuff, and then yell at me for having papers all over the bed. Well I'm sorry. You wanted me in here and I have to decode this. You can farming deal with it.

Why the farm does Shelsey get an allowance when Dad owes everyone and their mother money? You don't have $40 to pay Jake back for the windshield wipers that he had to buy for your car A YEAR AGO, but you can pay Shelsey twenty farming dollars a week for chores that aren't even really chores, it's just stuff that needs to be done? Like feeding the farming dogs? Why don't I get paid for making dinner for your kids? I do it all the time. And breakfast. And lunch. Farming asshole.

Shelsey just thinks it's okay for her to tear our family apart. And Mom just makes excuses for her. "She's only 13, Cassie, and she's immature for her age." So. Farming. What. What was I doing when I was 13? Taking care of my siblings. Playing school sports. Getting good grades. I had to grow up REALLY fast when my parents divorced, because I was now the person who everyone relied on. WHY THE FARM doesn't she have to grow up too? Why the farm is everyone making excuses for her? "She's just immature." So that doesn't mean you just give in to her every wish. You have to tell her no. Because she's 13.

And Jake has to come in and sit on all my stuff and try to talk to me about his vacation. I don't farming care. I've just spent the last half hour trying to decode this message but either I'm missing something or she messed up because this makes no sense and I really don't farming care about your trip to California. This is more important right now. But thanks for, you know, sitting on my stuff and distracting me and making it take even longer for me to figure out that I will never decode the farming message.

I'm pissed that I have to babysit Jacob. Delainey made it sound like you were done with Jacob for sure. The letters don't really tell me that. So do I still have to keep his hopes up for your future? Or can I be done with it. It's VERY frustrating to have to lie to someone so that they don't get hurt, when you don't even like the person at all.
    And your mom wasn't using my words against me. That email that she read where I was agreeing with you? I mean it. Every word. I am done with this kid. I want him out. Done. Gone. I don't want to have to talk to him or see him again because I despise this boy.

You know... I don't even know how I can go on like this. My plan is to go to the Kingdom Hall so that I can see you. And if anyone asks me what brings me there that day, I didn't know what to say. So I talked to my mom and she said that my heart was bringing me there, and that's all that I need to say. Because it's the truth. Someone in my heart who I love a TON is what brought me there. But then, I realized that that isn't even a sufficient answer. It might be for someone who doesn't hate me. But your mom would just flip that around and say that the heart is treacherous and will only do me wrong and here's a bunch of scriptures explaining why it's bad to follow what your heart says. Even if my heart is bringing me to your church, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm going to support you in your faith. None of that matters. Because I'm not JW.

I'm just so sick of everything. EVERYTHING. Lies, hurt, pain, everything. I can't trust anyone. There's no way that I can win. What is even the point?
     I know that when I go to meeting I won't be able to talk to you. If I were Delainey, who IS someone who does bad things on a daily basis and really doesn't live by the Bible, I'd be able to talk to you. But no. I'm someone who had you over at my house every Saturday morning so that we could discuss certain parts of the Bible. So I need to be kept as far away from you as possible. That makes a TON of sense. Of course.

You still have tons of stuff here. But I'm not giving it back until you come and get it. Your mom is just gonna have to suck it up and bring you over here. And you better be the one to pick it up. It's your property and I'm not about to give it up to anyone who isn't you.

Nothing is okay. Nothing. I can't think. I can't function. I can barely breathe right now. This is too much to deal with at once. I can't sleep. And that doesn't help anything. I'm so tired. Of everything. Of not having my best friend here to help me through this.

I have cried so much the last 3 weeks. Because that's the only thing that makes me feel better. To just break down and cry and cry and cry.

I'm going to bed. I love you, Gwen. I'll see you soon. In less than 48 hours, I'll see you. I dunno if i'll be able to talk to you. i dunno if that's what would be best or it that'll just make everything worst. I don't know. I don't know ANYTHING. I just know that I'm going to bed and that in 2 days I'll be within eyesight of you.

Love,
CC Raz

OOB#19. Gone.

7/1

Summer's officially half over. And I just...
     First, I'll apologize for last night. I was just... angry and frustrated and tired and... and tired. I'm a lot better now though. I can breathe and think rationally and all that. So... sorry about all that... Anger and confusion last night. I'm still mad at you for making me decode all those sentences about dancing, and then in the middle of the message, give me tips on how to decode the message. Because... well, obviously I'd found a way to decode it or I wouldn't have known what that said. And it was just taking me forever, not because I couldn't figure out the code, but because I was being bombarded with noise and Jake kept shoving his iPod in my face to show me pictures and I'd lose my place and have to find it before I could move on and all that. So when all you talked about was dancing, it was nearly as frustrating.
     I'm going to let Bailey read the letters. I know you said that it was for me. But there's so much of it that I just can't make sense of. And I need a second input. Maybe she'll be able to figure out the codefor that one letter. You know? I dunno. I just... can't do it by myself. It just confused me so much and maybe she'll understand better. It also might help if I tried reading it before 11 PM. But we'll just ignore that little piece. :)

But enough about that. We have... Much more important things to talk about.
     I don't know how much you know about the Yarnell fire. But there are 19 firefighters dead. 18 were the Prescott Hotshots. All of Yarnell has been evacuated and almost ALL of it has been burned to the ground. Homes, businesses, the middle school. Gone. Zero containment.Triple digit weather, low humidity. You know, Arizona. And yesterday, it was obviously too windy to get anywhere with fighting that fire. I pray that it isn't nearly as windy today. Because... Gwen, if you go on the highway,and up that hill, which is REALLY windy and not straight at all, it's only 25 miles from my house to Yarnell. Um... that highway is the farthest thing from a sraight line, and the fire isn't going to take the highway. This is just.. too close.
     We go to school with so many people from Yarnell, and from Congress. Chandra lives in Congress. What's she gonna do if her house burns down? Homes are gone, and busnesses. Yarnell used to be such a cute little town. And now it's just GONE? Overnight, it tripled in size. 2,000 acres to 6,000 acres. Overfarmingnight. It's already coming way down the hill and just...
     Josh will probably be sent to help fight that fire. Bobby might be coming down to help fight (He came down for the Big Lake fires). Groovey Moses, Gwen. This is... so many people are at risk. Homes, businesses, schools. Just... gone. They have to completely start over.
     I prayed like crazy last night. That those families will all be okay. That they'll get it contained before it destroys any more homes or businesses. That the families who lost their homes will be able to get back onto their feet. That those firefighters didn't suffer for too long. Not that being burned is really a quick and easy death. But I dunno. Maybe God just made it so that they couldn't feel anything. They said that it could get up to 200 degrees inside the fire shelter.
     When Mom gets home from work we're going to go through everything we have and see what we can bring to the people. They're all camped out at the high school, an they told us not to bring any clothes or whatever over there, but my aunt was taking stuff to her church and they're getting it to the people. And... I mean we don't have much, but right now we have a WHOLE lot more than they do. I have shirts and pants that I never wear and are just sitting in my drawers... I don't need them. Those people do.

In the notebook, you said that Catholics believe that natural disasters like this are acts of God. First, I don't know a single Catholic who thinks that. And... really. I mean, natural disasters happen too often and are too disastrous for it to be God saying "Well, let's shake things up a little bit. Here's a hurricane. Tornado over there." No. And this... Natural disasters are EXACTLY that. A freak thing that happens in nature when the winds get too high or the forest gets to dry.
     Now, I do believe that God take these natural disasters and turns people's lives around and they end up doing someting that they never would have done if it weren't for the natural disaster that forced them to move or rebuild their homes or find a new employer. Or something. But I don't believe that God says, "Hey. Earthquake, why don't you go split buldins in half in California." No.

I have to go now. I'll be back later, I know that much. I just have thigs that I need to do, like sorting through all my clothes and figuring out what I don't need.

See you tomorrow, Gwen.
Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Library numbah two

7/1

Did you ever watch that show Kids Next Door? They were like spies or something and they saved the world and had this cool little treehouse thing that was their base. And they were just like these litle gangsta kids. And their names were Number 1, Number 2, 3, 4, and 5. And they always said it like "Numbah" and then one day Jake and I found out that it wasn't Number 1. It was ACTUALLY Numbah 1. It was the coolest thing ever.

But this isn't Kids Next Door. This is Girl at Library. Printing off more pages for you. Except this one will cost me like $2 instead of 8 because this is a lot smaller. :)

And I'll see you tomorrow. :D

Love you, Gwen. :)
Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

PS- Now I have to go home and pack stuff. Mom's freaking out and thinks we'll get evacuated. If we do... at least we'll be prepared. But I'm trying to ahve a positive outlook on it all, and say that we won't get evacuated. Oh well. I guess we'll see when we see. Love you! Stay safe! Keep praying for the safety of all those families. :( It's just... so sad. It's hard for me to even wrap my mind around it. I was looking at pictures of the fire, and I have to keep reminding myself that this is only 20 miles away. And last night, watching the national news? It was crazy. But I gotta go now. So I'll see you soon. Love you!

OOB#Horrible horrible horrible

7/1

There was a priest and two other men killed in Syria. The article didn't say when it happened, but it was recently. They were beheaded. But not just one quick, clean, swipe. Some guy went around with a little knife and sawed off their heads, then held them up to the crowd. The crowd gathered around, cheered them on, and took videos of it. When I clicked on the link, the video just started playing. You know how there are some things that are so horrible that you just CAN'T look away? You're thinking, "I shouldn't be watching this. This isn't something I should be watching" but you just can't look away.
      It took them 3 minutes to saw off one of the guy's heads.

And I know that this kind of thing happens every day in those countries. And this one isn't any more tragic than the others. But I didn't watch all the other ones on video.

I just talked to my mom about the whole thing. She made me feel better. Not better that this whole thing happened, or that I just watched it on video. But just... better. I was just so angry and sickened that those people could watch and record and cheer them on, and sit there and saw off 3 guys' heads. And being angry doesn't make me feel better.
     So Mom said, "You can't let this turn into hatred and anger. Because that means that Satan wins. You need to pray for those men that did that, pray for their souls, that they repent and TRULY repent, and TRULY come to know God, so that when they die, their souls go to Heaven instead of burning in Hell. It's hard, when something like this happens, to not just wish that they go burn in Hell, because that's what they deserve. But by you feeling that resentment, you are letting Satan win. Satan wants the souls in Hell. That's what he wants, and by you having that anger and hatred, you just make it that much easier for him." Now, of course she's not saying that those guys should get off scott free. That's where the lovely purgatory comes in, if they do choose to repent and come to know God. But... yeah. I dunno. It just made me feel better because now I don't feel quite so.. defeated, I guess? Like there's still SOMETHING that I can do besides sit here and hate them. And of course as soon as I read the title of the article, I just started praying. But it was only for the victims, not everyone else as well.

I'm gonna go say a rosary. I'll pray the rosary for:
-the 19 fallen firefighters
-the families of the firefighters
-the safety of everyone who's fighting the fires
-the families who lost their homes and businesses in the fire
-the three men who were killed in Syria, along with all the other innocent people who are killed in horrific ways by people who are only "serving their god"
-the souls of the men doing the killing, and the men and women who sit an watch, cheer on, and record the people being killed.

Oh, and of course there's so much more to pray about. But that's what I'll focus on right now.

I love you, Gwen. :) See you tomorrow. I love you.
Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#3 hours

7/2

Three hours until we see you. Actually, more like 2 1/2. I. Am. So. Excited. I already have my hair and make-up done. It was one of those "Maybe if I hurry and get ready HOURS before, time will go faster" but it really just makes it so that your curls are flat and your makeup isn't as vibrant (?) by the time you get there. *sigh* I just wanted to make sure that since this is the first time you'll be seeing me in a long time, I'm nice and pretty so that and... I dunno. Memorable, I guess. This is a special occasion! I have to look nice. It's like... I dunno. A big deal. This is NOT NBD. Or DWS. This is SCS. Stone cold serious.
     GROOVEY MOSES I'M S EXCITED!!

I know what clothes I'm going to wear, what shoes, and I'm even going to wear a necklace and earrings tonight. That's how you know it's a big deal. If I wear any jewelry other than my ring, it's a special occasion. !!!!! :D I am seriously just so... HAPPY. MUCH better than I was feeling last night.

I'm just... SMILING. A lot. :) And that's good. It's a good change. Becuse the last few days... with everything going on, it's just been hard to... actually FEEL happy. I can act happy, but it's been hard to FEEL happy. And I feel happy now.

Today, Jake and I went down to the community center with 9 trash bags full of clothes and toys and other stuff to donate to the people from Yarnell. That made me happy too. And it's not like we have a ton of stuff. But we were able to gather up 9 bags full of stuff. My drawers are pretty much empty now, but that's okay. I never realized how many clothes I have that I never wear. And it's all in good condition. I just don't wear it. So... yeah. It made me glad that now someone will actually get to wear those clothes. You know?

I now have my necklace on. It's only 5:07. And I even did my nails for his, Gwen. It's just a really light pink that sparkles. But I NEVER do my nails. EVER. This is big.

I don't really know what else to talk about right now. I'm gonna go read or something for a while, until it' time to go to meeting. :D Gosh, I am SO excited. So. Excited.

See you soon. Like... in 2 hours. YAY!
Still praying, and still stayin' strong (because what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Stand a little taller! And all that jaz :))
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Keep it secret. Keep it safe

7/2

Like my Lord of the Rings quote? But you probably haven't seen any of those movies so you wouldn't know it's a quote. But... it really should say, "Nothing is secret. Nothing is safe." You're not a criminal. You should have some privacy.

Meeting. I saw you. I talked to you. There are just... SO many things that I need to talk to you about about meeting. It was awesome. I just... whether it's my church or another, I love just going to a place where everyone is united in their common beliefs and just the whole sense of community. It makes me miss St. Jude's. The parish up in Garden Valley was just super small and everyone was so supportive of everyone else and it was just such a... wonderful experience. And it's the same here in Wickenburg, I guess. But St. Jude's will always be my home. Going to any other Catholic churches, it's like that. The sense of community is always there. And even though I'm not able to fel the same sense of community with the JW, because we believe different things, it's just so... It's nice to be surrounded by that community.

But.. I really need to stop beating around the bush. Your mom found the books. Which means that she'll be checking up on them regularly, I'm guessing. Keeping up on what's going on and all that lovely stuff.

Oh, and your mother was wrong. And I was right. I didn't say that I was praying the rosary for you. Must I repeat the list? Well... I don't think I need to because all you have to do is click a couple buttons to see the list, but it won't be you reading this anyway.

I don't know what I'll do. No idea at all. I'll keep writing to you, of course. But as to how you'll read it? I can't say. Maybe I'll just get all my letters to you published, and you can read them there. :) I already have a novel's worth, just right here in front of me.

I probably won't be updating this book anymore, but I'll continue writing to you. I promise. :) Every day, I'll write something. And eventually... EVENTUALLY, you'll get them. It might be next month, or in February. It could be the day you move out, and I shove a huge stack of papers at you. I dunno. But you'll get them, eventually.

I love you, Gwen. :) So, so, so happy that I got to see you tonight. But I'll have to write that somewhere else, not here.
Still praying, still staying strong. And I will. Always.
Love,
CC Raz

Imprint

Publication Date: 06-06-2013

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
To Pengwen. :) I hope you'll know that I love you and I WILL NEVER GIVE UP. You're my best friend. And I'm always here for ya. :)