1. Apology
Baby, I am so so sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that things didn't work and that you don't know the truth. I'm sorry that I didn't let you in and that I was mean to you. I'm sorry that you got hurt.
Honey, I love you and I hope you know that. You have to know that. You let me fall in love again even after I'd given up. your arms wrapped around me and your sweet perfect smell lingering on my skin. Me stealing your jacket, and giving it back, smelling like my floral sweet perfume. Your smile causing your face to turn as red as your hair and me blushing at your perfect hazel eyes. Your lips pressed to my neck and my chest aching for more. Your voice I could find in a crowd. Your hug I long for and your twinkling eyes that make the butterflies in my chest go crazy. I am in love with everything about you.
I'm so sorry that things didn't work. I don't know why I couldn't let you in. I don't know why I couldn't let you know the truth about who I am. I'm a monster, Baby. I have done too many things to be loved by you. I can't put them all in a note but I certainly will let you know in time.
Precious time. How sweet and how short when things are good. How horribly long when they aren't. I miss you Baby and no amount of time will take that away.
I hope that you may heal because you deserve it. I will be okay as long as you are. Please know I did all I could to keep things good between us. I did what I know to do which is to love you. Love you like noone has ever loved you. And I'm sorry I couldn't open up to you about the things that tore me up inside and kept me from getting close to anyone
2. Lyrics
"Why do we go dancing in circles when we know they never end? We come so close to loving each other and then we go dancing in circles again."
So so true, Baby. So so true. If only you would listen to the songs I tell you about you'd learn so so much.
"I used to be lovedrunk; now I'm hungover. I loved you forever; forever is over. We used to kiss all night; now it's just barfights."
Ditto, ditto, ditto.
"Your ways are in magi. Your Love is pulling me. You are my moon. My personal Moon."
You said you never understood that one. Well I do. Maybe you should too.
"But for the grace of God oh I must have been born a lucky guy. God only knows how I've been blessed with the gift of your love."
Maybe earlier, maybe later. Not now. Fuck you.
3. Backwards
"I used to let you paint a pretty picture. You got me caught up with that "You're my girl forever." All I have to say is you don't deserve me, you don't deserve me. I'm finally walking away cuz you'll only hurt me and you're not worthy."
I heard these lyrics this weekend, and now they won't get out of my head. Are they true to you? I have no idea. But maybe their backwards. Most of the times things get backwards. Especially you.
4. Will
I've found a new love, a different kind of love. The kind that makes you think of rainbows on a rainy day and baby kitties when your dog dies. (I don't have a dog of course, but you get my point. I also don't have any cats lol.) Anyways, this is a special kind of love that is kind and considerate and doesn't argue and doesn't fuss and fight and it's beautiful. There is no pressure and I can talk to my love about anything. You know how sometimes, you talk to someone alot but when you start dating you stop talking. Well this was different. We talk more now that we are dating then before.
I like talking to you. You make me picture a tiny little butterfly flitting around like it's on speed. That's why I called you a hyper butterfly. I called you a goose too because I was done with all the little ducks so I picked you. (Duck, duck, duck, duck... Goose!)
You are a sweetheart and you make me picture one of those little stuffed chihuahua's with the rose in its mouth. Do you know what I'm talking about? That little animal Taco Bell used to have. I remember when I was about 5 years old, I tripped over a doorframe and busted my mouth open on the little battery part of that silly chihuahua. I had to get like 6 stitches. I have no clue how I remember things like that lol.
Anyways, you remind me of that little toy, because for some reason I think of it as cute and fun and sexy.
Well goodness. I'm so off track, I don't even remember the point of this letter. I love you Butterfly!
5. My Butterfly
Mi belle amor en vida.
Mi mariposa.
Mi amor.
Mi vida.
My beautiful love and life.
My butterfly.
My love.
My life.
Ti amo.
I love you.
6. Will
I met him at Band Camp originally. However All Region 2012-13 is when we began talking-- soon we began dating on January 29th 2013.
I remember liking the way he talked nd making excuses to keep him talking to me- also how he didn't like me talking to Mark from Wynne cuz he 'could tell he was a playa.' (Well, he said player.) Anyways, I remember liking him because he had red in his hair (I find red hair so adorable) :) and that he seemed very organized and neat-- much unlike me. And I liked how he talked most of all- even with a nervous stutter.
He seemed very awkward-moment prone and made me blush- and innocent. God how he was innocent. I agreed on trading numbers, not really expecting him to call me. I was sure as adorable and nice as he was there were gurls that talked to him all the time.
But- I got a call two days later- and we began talking. Alot! Two to three hours a day almost, texting back and forth as well; it's no surprise we began dating.
And all because I laid my jacket and purse and my friend Kayla's stuff on his french horn case at All Region. Who would have thought?
7. Lucas
Sometimes I find myself thinking of you, and my mind wonders. Would you be glad in what I've done? Would you praise my efforts? Would you even recognize me? Would you cringe at my mistakes? Would you hate me?
Hate me for my need for security, my longing for acceptance, but my desire to be different? My absolute obsession with musi, to the point I am focused totally on learning it- even in the face of wrecking havoc? Would you hate me for my desperacy to be loved? Hate me for breaking my promise to you, for betraying you?
I promised you I'd always be yours, there'd be noone else I'd love, and I would always remember you. I'd never betray you. I haven't forgotten you or what drove us apart. i haven't forgotten the things we talked about, and I haven't forgotten the reason we no longer talk. It's been too damn long and we're too "far away" to be saved now.
"I love you, and I have loved you all along.
And I miss you. Been far away for far
too long. I keep dreaming you'll be with
me and you'll never go. i'd stop breathing
if I didn't see you again."
Darling, I remember how we met. All Region Choir Workshop. My friend and I sat at a table at lunch with you and your girlfriend at the time. Somehow we started laughing (my friend and I) uncontrollaby. We'd calm down and I'd look at you or she'd look at me and it would start all over again. You kept giving me the "wow-you-are-insane-crazy-gurl" look. Later you gave another friend a hug and I was all "Dude how you know her? You're her cousin, that's how. And I said "Well, she's my best friend" or something like that. Anyway you gave me a hug and said I was a "crazy girl."
My friend said you and your girl had broke up, and she hooked us up.
Second time I saw you- Marching Band contest. And you held me close to you cuz I forgot my jacket on our bus. I was surprised when you bought me nachos, skittles, and a Dr. Pepper. You kissed me, and I wanted to cry cuz I was scared that you would hate me when you found out I wasn't a virgin. You really shocked me then. After that I felt better. And I let you kiss me again. And again. I was scared you'd think I was ugly in our uniforms but you liked it. You pulled my hair down from a ponytail and said you loved me.
I miss that simplicity from you. And your constant teasing because I was short-- but in my defense you were exactly a foot taller than me. 5'3" and 6'3" is quite drastic Dear. And the word goof, how you just thought I was adorable andsilly. I just miss you Doll.
Then some very bad bad things happened with my e and I broke up with you because he threatened you and me. I didn't tell you, oh I should have told you. Five months later you randomly texted me. We talked about everything. And I knew. I was no longer cute or good or a "goof" in your eyes. A seriousness wrapped around us, and I knew no matter what I'd never have you back.
Not in the same way.
We finally started to lighten up when we talked. You opened upto me, and became the same person you had been before. But I was no longer the same. It was like a spark had died within me. I was not fun anymore. I just did what it took not to go insane.
We got really close again. I made you that promise and you said you would always love me. Then I did something that stabbed you right through the heart. I stopped caring about the one thing I should have cared about. Not on purpose, but I had stopped caring about life. I was no longer worried what happened to me. And that's when "it" happened. It killed you, knowing I'd let it happen, and I knew you hated me. I hated me. I drove a knife right through you.
I could say nothing in my defense. I thought if you didn't know my pain it wouldn't matter so I hid the pain, and pretended I didn't care.
And you were gone. Suddenly just gone.
***
And finally I moved on too. i got in some flat out shitty relationships and got hurt over and over. I could just picture you saying to me "Quit. Quit putting yourself up to get hurt." I could picture you holding me and saying to stop searching. So because of this fucking image I'd conjured I did. I stopped searching. Music became my life. I let noone in. Nobody. I wanted me, the darkness, and the notes wrapping around me; nothing else.
My band director convinced me to try out for All Region, and finally I did agree. I did it thinking I'd never have a chance. And I made it. I cried when I found out. I didn't want to make it. But I did. I was exposed, naked, the darkness ripped away from me.
When I went to the clinic, I was okayish. Noone talked to me. Noone noticed me. I was safe. Then the final day that bloody Cabot kid decided to talk to me. Me?! I was scared to death. I was shaking, but he was nice and wouldn't stop talking. I let myself focus on him instead of being scared.
I immediately liked his voice. I wanted him to keep talking, so I talked to him so he would. I liked his hair. I'd never seen someone our age with that color hair and not look dorky. But he didn't look too much like a dork. I liked his eyes too. They had that pure hazel color that reminds me of skittles for some reason.
I knew just from looking at him and him talking to me he was innocent. He was good and intelligent, secular, untouched by sophistry, and also very nervous- naturally. Scared to insult someone. I remember thinking "There is no way someone so jittery and bubbly and obviously a perfectionist could possibly be in band."
***
Anyways, I traded numbers with him. We talked and texted and I really liked him. He was so interesting to me. We began dating. And I hate admitting this afer closing out everyone and everything, I've fallen for him. He's just so good and nice and wonderful to me.
I used to feel pain- unmeasurable pain- when I heard about your gurl and how you're so in love with her. But now-- I get it.
I want to thank you, Darling, for teaching me how to love. And now I can and I do love again. Never forget me, and I will never ever forget you. I love you Darling.
8. From Me to You
I love the way you tell me I'm beautiful. I love the way you look at me like I'm an angel. I love the way you smile at me when I'm feeling sad. I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you drive me crazy. I love the way you speak your mind. I love the way you love me.
Take a guess to who I am. Take a guess to what I'm thinking. Take a guess to when I smile. Take a guess to where my heart is. Take a guess to why I care.
Don't lie to me. Don't hurt me. Don't yell at me. Don't leave me. I make my promise, the one I'll keep, one written on my heart. Promise me you'll love me for me, and I'll be yours forever. I won't lie to you. I won't hurt you. I won't yell at you. I won't criticize you.
Promise forever, and be mine. I may not be much, but I'm yours. I love you always.
9. You
Do you have any idea how much you mean to me? How absolutely wonderful it is to call myself yours. I want to be right where I am forever. Because right here with you means more than anything else possily could. You don't have to worry about your past; it means nothing to me. I won't let that stuff happen again anyway. It hurts too much seeing you in any kind of pain. I want nothing more than to take all of that away. And you don't have to worry about the future because I am right here and I won't give up on us. You've made my life worth living. When I look in the mirror, I barely recognize myself anymore. You've come into my life, and like a magi, you've completely changed me. I am no longer afraid of waking up from a nightmare and being alone. I am no longer worried if what I do or say is going to provoke anger. I am no longer concerned with any one else but you.
I don't know if you recall every word I have told you, and as it is, you don't have to. I just want you to know that whatever happens, nothing can deter me from the path I've chosen. Many people have tried, and it almost broke me. By the time I met you, I felt absolutely pitiful, broken beyond repair. Worthless. I seen nothing else I could lose, so I let you come into my life. Your jagged emotions and your heartfelt words have softened my heart. Every time I see your name on my phone, I smile. Every time I hear your voice, my heart swells. Every time I see you, I forget how to breathe. You have such an impact on me that I can't help it. Even after this long, you affect me. I can't express the depth of it, or the reason behind it.
You make every day so special. I can never get enough of your presence. Being around you lightens my heart. You are the reason I wake up every morning and get out of bed. You are the reason I hold my tongue towards others when all I want to do is scream. You are the one I run to when I don't know what to do anymore. When everything feels hopeless, I turn to you. You are the one I know I can always count on. You are the one who makes it okay. The one who holds me tight when there is nothing to do but let me cry. You are the reason of my existence. I want nothing more than to feel this warmth every day of my life. To have you as MINE for that expanse of time. I love you more than anything else in the world.
10. Spilling My Heart
Hold up.... i don't doubt him. Okay? I doubt me. Alot. This took a wrong turn. He's the best fucking thing that has ever happened to me. I'd give up my life to make sure he's happy. He's the reason i get up in the morning. He's the reason i try to get sleep. He's the reason i can smile. Sure we argue... doesn't everyone? Sure we get hateful towards each other. But the night of that wreck i seen a side of him i never want to see again. The pure fear. Okay? I'd do anything to prevent that. I love him. I don't know how to live with out him. He is my best friend and my whole world. If you don't get that that's okay. But don't take that from me. Don't try to control that part of me. It's irrational and crazy but I don't care. I love him. And only him.
11. Will
I love you. Your smile. Your laugh. You holding my hands. Your hug. Your kiss. The good morning texts. The phone calls. The meaningless conversations we'll never care about again. Your family. Your friends. The way you put up with me. How you always know when i'm upset. I love being with you. Talking to you. Being around you. Thinking of you. I love your consideration. I love your patience. I love your trust in God. I love the way you look at me. I love the way you treat me like a princess. Your happiness. I love everything about you. Even your flaws make you more fit for me. I love your voice, despite whatever others may say or tease you about it. I don't care. It makes you who you are and i love that person.
I like hanging out at Hastings and talking for hours. I like when people think we are a cute couple. I think we are too. I like that no matter what we have been through we are still strong, and we will only be stronger. Our faith may be shaken at times, and we may totally misunderstand each other. That's okay. It happens to everyone. What matters is being strong enough to pull through. I don't want to hear any irrational stupid talk of goodbye. Goodbye isn't going to happen.
We've known each other a year now, and have gone from complete strangers to best friends. Funny or ironic, i don't know. But it's special. That I do know. That I don't doubt in the least. You're my best friend. You're like a present I get to unwrap every time i see you. You wrap me up in a huge warm bear hug and it is the best feeling in the world. I still get butterflies every time I see you. I love you so much Babe.
12. "A"
Honey,
Of course I love you. Your the only reason I've ever been happy about anything. And when I hurt you I felt such stabbing pain unfold inside of my heart. I never thought that love was such a painful thing. It's supposed to be happy like roses and chocolates and fairies. But it hurt seeing your tears, feeling your pain. And when you saw me cry you wrapped your arms around me, and had it been anyone else I would have shoved them away. But when you held me, I felt safe if just for a moment. And I loved you, and I still do, and always will. And I'll tell you why:
I remember the way if felt standing beside you, my head on your chest, my arms wrapped around you, and yours around my body. My heart was racing, beating so close to your skin, feeling your breath rise and fall with mine. The way your hands rested on my hip and your breath brushed my cheek when you spoke. The urge to kiss you filled me with a pleasant longing and made me smile.
I remember reading your 2 page long notes, and feeling a brand new kind of love with every one I read. And I remember the butterflies I got when I read your words, like your soul was whispering to my heart all kinds of glorious things, like a cat rolling over and arching her back, like the big huge puppy eyes of innocent loyal love, like the majesty of a bald eagle, or the regal aura of a cardinal. Like a sweet passionate lingering kiss.
I remember the necklace you got me that broke. But the message was clear: Our two hearts are eternally entwined. No matter what happens, no matter how much we fight or have problems, we'll make it through for our hearts are eternally entwined, always together.
And, we will always be together. Nothing will ever tear us apart. Because 'Love is forever, and forever's a hell of a long time.'
I love you so so much. You will always be mine!
13. April 5th, 2013
Tattoos of memories, scars opened wide so you can see the pain I feel down inside. Can you take it, Baby? Will you understand how I am if you just see why? Maybe someday you’ll get my insecurities. For now, I just ask you to love me, hold me, and protect me.
Protect me from my nightmares, my enemies, my past, but mostly from myself. I hurt myself more than anyone else does, and it takes patience to hold me close and keep me safe.
Hold me close to your heart where I can’t slip out into the cold. Keep me warm in your arms as I fall into my mask of insanity. If only I know I can’t fall to my death when you are around, hold me. Tight, warm, close, safe. Let me fall asleep in your arms with only the beat of your heart as the breach of precious silence.
Love me with all your heart despite my flaws. Love my fear, my anger, my crazy, and my “omigods.” Love me at my worst and cherish me at my best. Let me love you back. Love me sweet and gentle. Don’t push me or hurry me. Love me despite how fragile my heart is. And don’t break me.
Hold my hand, scarred as it may be. Learn to accept my scars as part of me, something I have learned on my own. Draw hearts on me with markers and laugh with me when I laugh at your silliness.
Make me smile when I’m sad, and when I am breaking hold me together. Hold me close when I cry and grab my hand in yours when I yell at you. When I am rambling kiss me and shut me up. When I try to beat you let me hit you then just wrap me up in your arms. Don’t leave me all alone.
When you kiss me, don’t hold back. Kiss my cheek, kiss my lips, kiss my neck. Don’t hold back, but be sweet to me. Hold me close, but not too close. If I kiss you first, let me take the lead. Be good to me and let me love you slowly and sweetly.
Let me ride front seat in your pickup truck and hold my hand while you drive. Open the door for me and make me laugh.
Baby, you know I love to laugh, but sometimes I want to cry. Will you let me cry? Will you let me scratch and fuss and hit and cuss at you and then whisper “I love you” into my ear when I collapse on my own? Will you take me in your arms and hold me close and just say “Baby, I love you; you’ll be okay”?
I like dressing up and being a princess and you are my Prince as I dance the night away atop a table in my own little piece of insanity. Sing to me sweetly as I lay my head on your shoulder and close my eyes. Let me fall in love with the silence for there is no chaos there. Let me sing to you as you hold me close to you and let me spoil you with my love.
My love for you is great and unmeasured. No words are good enough. It must be felt. Beyond any physical tangible thing, it swells in my heart and yearns for you. It yearns for the touch of your skin, and the whisper of your breath. I ache for your kiss and I want to be wrapped in your arms. I want you to touch me just right, and when you kiss me to give me your heart.
Make every kiss a first, sweet new feeling that completes your soul. You have my soul. In fact you stole it when I first heard your voice. I was consumed by you as you talked to me and became a part of me.
I knew I was lost when I thought “us” instead of just “me.” When did that happen? Well, I will never pinpoint that time, but I am no longer just mine. I belong to you just like you belong to me.
Ours is a new kind of love for me. You have never asked anything of me, nor I you. You have loved me with my anger and fears and insanity. I have chased my dreams and haven’t had to give up anything to be with you. When I thought you’d leave me, you assured me I wouldn’t lose you.
Now I feel like if I lost you, I’d die. Who else can love me so perfectly? Who else can be so strong for me, yet kill me with their gentleness? Who else can calm me down and make me see the whole story and love myself again? Who else can fill my heart like you do?
I’ll tell you. No one. No one can make me feel a love so deep it hurts. No one else can light up my life by their smile. No one can make me feel so safe as you.
Any other girl could be better for you yet you chose me. Any other girl could be pure, untainted, and innocent. They could easily be prettier than me- smarter or happier. But you still chose me as your lover. Despite that I’m tainted, crazy, and insecure.
You take my free spirit and give me a place to land without questioning me. I love you more than I can ever show you. I want to kiss you softly and feel your hands on me as I pull you closer to me until our two hearts beat as one. I want you to lay me down and love me like I want to be loved. You know how to drive me completely crazy longing for your touch.
I see the way you look at me with such adoration and desire. Your soft dark lovely voice makes me want you so much more. I’m hanging on to my heart, scared you’ll see my needy self but Baby you have no idea how bad I want to let go. Let you fulfill my every need. Let you love me fully and completely.
How can I be sure that you won’t leave me? How can I know that I can trust you with my whole self? How will it be to fully be yours/ will you be patient with me, make sure I am ready, don’t rush me/ I’m hanging on to those silly fears. Can you conquer those fears?
Fears of being hurt? Repeating the past? Being left alone? Don’t hurt me, Baby. Be careful with me; assure me you will never leave me. If you can let me learn to trust you on my own, you will certainly have my heart. Just wait for me, Baby. That’s all I ask of you.
One of these days, you will know how it feels to become a child again. To laugh at your reflection in the mirror. To let go of all insecurities and just jump. Forget the consequences and follow your dreams wherever they take you. Run through the trees like a fool. Catch bumblebees in a meadow with your bare hands. Feel the rain falling on your skin and laugh at the irony of it all. Climb somewhere way up high and watch the world from up above.
You’ll know the master of the sea, and the Lord of my soul. You’ll fall to your knees in reverence when you enter His presence. Your heart will swell as you feel the touch of His hand and you’ll feel as though you’ve been bathed in light. You will come to honor Him as I do and forever be changed by His grace.
One of these days you’ll know my soul better than anyone. Just keep being you, Sweetie. You are simply wonderful to me. Much more than I actually deserve. You are literally an angel, Baby.
You always know what I’m feeling and you always draw the truth out of me. You know how to make me smile and you know when to let it slide. You are my safe haven and I pray you will never leave me even when I am drowning in doubt.
Save me from the wretched storm that is my own mind. Don’t let me lose my love or my heart. Keep on reminding me who I am and who I belong to. Don’t question that that person is you. I belong to you now and always. Keep me, Baby from destroying myself.
I am lost for words to describe how good you are. Not once have you doubted me. You have listened to me rant and rave and you still love me all the same. You understand my anger and you know I would never ever do anything to hurt you. I love you for that. For being a rock I can count on not to give way when I need a shoulder to lean on. I love you, Baby.
There are times I wonder if what we have is real. When your close friend doubts me, I worry if you do too. When he says our love is unstable I stop breathing from shock and fear. Do you believe that? Oh, Baby, please don’t doubt me. Just because I don’t always express myself, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t give up my life for your love. I love you a lot. I’m unable to put in words without falling apart. I don’t want to be that girl. I can’t be vulnerable in front of others if it means bearing my heart.
You get stabbed when you’re vulnerable and I can’t take that pain anymore. I don’t want to be that girl who is helpless and loopy all because she fell in love. I am yours, Baby, so don’t ever doubt me. I will never forsake you. Just let me have the time I need to tell you in return what my heart feels.
Please don’t be upset because of my quietness. Be slow with me. Take care of my heart and don’t rush me. I may act tough, but I am not at all. I am weak and fragile and vulnerable and insecure at times. I’m anxious and worrisome and harsh on myself. I come off as brash but you see through it.
Don’t rush me into bearing my heart to you. The tie will come as soon as I am certain I’m not repeating myself. By “repeating myself” I speak of the stupidity I have shown before. You can’t expect me to do something I have done before and regret. I mean nothing against you; you may not know the extent I have hurt myself in the past.
Losing my purity is the one thing I regret above all else. I was foolish and looking for trouble. What you seek, you always find. I found the deepest heartbreak and emptiness by acting hasty and foolish. I will not lose my faith in certainty anymore. I want to trust myself that I’m not being hasty and I want to know that you trust me as well. I trust you Baby, that you understand me well enough to be good to me.
You asked me the strangest thing the other day. You asked how you win me over. You don’t win me over. That is the most absurd thing I could think of.
No, you can’t win me over. You come to know me as well as yourself and let me know you. You be gentle, slow, loving to me. You trust me and show me how to trust you completely. You keep loving me until our two hearts beat together as one and then you find out how to make it last. I don’t know how you do that because I’ve never had anyone try. But you will know in your heart what to do. So follow your heart when you are with me and we’ll figure it out as we go along.
If you kiss me and I stop breathing from shock, don’t pull away. Hold me closer. Show me that I am your princess. Let me kiss you back and don’t worry when I place my fist against your chest. Kiss my lips, my neck, my soul. Pick me up and let me look at your face with my hair falling around you. Your eyes sparkling and your smile driving me crazy.
Tell me I’m yours forever and to never say never. Let me run my fingers down your chest as you lay still beside me with the fading light of day surrounding us. Let me kiss your lips and lay beside you in complete silence and understanding. Hold me close to you and feel my heart beat match yours. Hold my hands in yours and whisper “I love you.”
And finally, when all is ready I will let my fear fall away and then I will be yours certainly and without a doubt.
Last night when we spoke on the phone I wrote “i<3u” on my leg with a marker. Now today, I notice it is still there in its blue expo marker glory. I wonder what you’d think if you seen it and a sly smile surprises me, and I decide I’ll keep it a secret.
I may be the odd duckling but I am yours, so love me anyway. I will love you through all of your quirkiness and difference and I will be your favorite hello. I’ll color you pictures and make you melt. I’ll write you songs and bake banana bread for you and sneak love notes into your wallet and leave a single rose in your pickup. I’ll plan blowout snowball fights, and the makeup after a killer paintball war. I’ll leave my hair clip in your truck on purpose for an excuse to be with you even for something so small.
If I find a coupon for a fro-yo or a Mountain Mudd iced coffee I’ll leave it where you’ll find it and take me out. I’ll go to your band concerts and be in the front row. I’ll clip cute pictures from magazines and keep a stash in an envelope to give you. I’ll be your girl. And everyone will know it and never doubt it. But I won’t suffocate you either because I still need my space and I don’t want you to ever get tired of my presence. I doubt that could happen though because I am always wanting to try something new and unheard of. Even if it is incredibly scary and out of my comfort zone.
I know that you want to take me into your world but my fears and scars hold us back. Don’t worry though. I trust you not to hurt me. You just need to let me learn for myself that it’s okay to let my walls down. I have almost done that a couple times while talking to you but something- I never am sure what- maybe a word or an image- always shuts me down again.
Would you think me fickle? Or worse, would you try to change me? Maybe I would use to jump into things without thinking, but I was hurt. If not by myself, then by someone else. Someone would scream at me harsh unfeeling words or abandon me. They might hit me or force me to change for them. However I would wait too long. By then I was already broken; I was done for. Don’t change who I am.
Can you be patient and deal with my insecurities? I know it is a lot to ask but Baby, if you can be careful now, god only knows where we can go together. We can reach the sky and claim our love in the stars. We can go anywhere and do whatever together. We just have to get through the toughness now.
I will let you know what I feel when the timing is right and I have your attention focused on me. I want to look at you when I tell you. I want to hold your hands in mine and rest my head in your lap and let you see my face. I want to know what I say does not hurt our care of beauty. I want to see how you judge my words and react to me. Will you react to me sweetly?
14. August 22, 2014
I can’t help to think of you daily. It’s been six months since we broke up. Six long lonely months, and absolutely nothing to show for it. And the truth is, despite everything, I miss you even more every single day. You were from day one my very best friend in the world, and the way I felt when I was with you has zero comparison. You are mi mariposa and nothing in this world can change that. It is so incredibly hard to talk to you. You have seemed happy and things look up for you every day. And here I am falling apart inside and unwilling to admit to anyone even myself how undeniably I am still in love with you. I fear no one would understand it the way I do. Not when they mock and look down upon what we had. They wouldn’t be able to sympathize that part of me is missing; it’s not coming back because I belonged to you and you I. When we are apart you still hold me. Some people think I need a new boyfriend, that I should be over you- but I can’t. The emptiness inside me can’t be filled like that. Only by you. I miss you, I need you, I love you.
15. Alone
How is it possible to be surrounded by people you love and still feel so alone? To feel like you can’t open up because they won’t understand that everything you’ve loved you’ve lost? That your whole world is crashing down around you? And above all, you can’t fix any of it…
I messed up our relationship pretty thoroughly, hurting you way deeper then ever intended. At the time it seemed the right thing to do- all we were accomplishing was hurting each other. I couldn’t bear to be the cause of your suffering, and so I did it. I regretted it but I had to know you were happy even if it wasn’t with me. I see now that there were options besides ending it, but it’s too late now and you probably hate me. I don’t blame you. I hate me too.
I pray you are happy now.
16. You
I am completely unable to be in the same mindset as you are. That’s how its always been. Where you are open with your emotions, I try to hide mine. I am scared of hurting people and it almost always ends in me accomplishing just that. That’s what happened to us. I hurt you, and I’ll never forgive myself. Now we don’t even talk and it sucks. It hurts more than anything I’ve ever known. You are the person I love, and the one who has my heart. The first person to treat me so good. Who let me be myself and express myself. You loved me for who I was- a tainted and destructive person. I was so destructive and poisonous to you- I’m so damn sorry.
If I could change things, I would without thinking. I’d find a way to make you mine again and I’d show you how much you mean to me instead of taking you for granted .I’d love you the way you deserve and make sure you know just how special you are. I’d hold your hand and kiss you and never let you go. I’d be who you need me to be. A friend, a confidante, a shoulder to lean on. Like I should have been.
I remember thinking on several occasions when we were together that we were coming to an end. I remember the feeling of losing control over the situation. It was like it was already too late to fix things. I couldn’t break through the walls you’d built against me and I was too selfish to let you see through mine. Towards the end all we did was fight. We’d hang up the phones crying or mad from raising our voices. We were miserable and pitiful. I felt trapped and suffocated and you felt alone and unable to reach me. Truth is, I wouldn’t let you. I needed space I thought. I could have never been more wrong. It’s obvious all I ever needed was you. I still need you. I want nothing more and I don’t want anyone else. I want you. Only you. . .
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Publication Date: 01-28-2013
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