This was a very good story. I’m glad I saw your message or I might have missed it. Plot development was good. You didn’t meander about anywhere, or go off track. The owl was a great addition. I understood what she meant and found myself getting nervous as I waited for her brother to get it. I don’t have a lot to off up for help except a few grammar and punctuation problems. Remember though, anything I offer up is strictly my... Show more
This was a very good story. I’m glad I saw your message or I might have missed it. Plot development was good. You didn’t meander about anywhere, or go off track. The owl was a great addition. I understood what she meant and found myself getting nervous as I waited for her brother to get it. I don’t have a lot to off up for help except a few grammar and punctuation problems. Remember though, anything I offer up is strictly my own opinion. If I say anything that you disagree with, ignore or toss aside. There is always room in creative writing to stretch the rules.
When I first start with a story, I want to begin building a visual right off the bat. Any excuse to get shape, hair or eye color, skin or fur color in there. You don’t have to put everything in at once, and you had a lot of great description later on in the story, but I would start at the beginning and slip something in with the eyes. I’m not up to par on squirrel eyes, so bear with me.
Their glittering black eyes were focused on an acorn beside a thick, shadowy brush only a few hops away. (So here I also played around with wording because it sounded awkward to me.) Then when the first squirrel was mentioned by name, add something that is unique to him so that I, as the reader, can begin to tell them apart. You don’t have to get into detail yet, just something small.
As his hand made contact—I’d go with paw over hand.
He ran (in) the opposite direction of Cole. Missing in with this. When I want to add a word I’ll place in parenthesis like this one.
“Let go of the acorn Patch,” Russ called. Need a comma placed before Patch. A comma should be placed before all names or endearments used like this.
. . . his friends Cole and Ross were already . . . Same here. Names should be set apart with a comma before Cole and one after Ross.
You’ve got to learn when to give up,” Russ laughed. Now we get into dialogue tags vs. character action. A tag is the he said or she said after dialogue. It can also show how a character said it by adding an adverb—though we don’t want to use adverbs very often. Russ laughed is considered character action and is separated from dialogue by closing. “You’ve got to learn when to give up.” Russ laughed. (or) “You’ve got to learn when to give up,” Russ said, laughing. (By adding a tag first I can slip in the laughing. He said, laughing follows.
Patch’s father fell and broke most of his bones? Did he die? This is what I was thinking at the time. Now I know he didn’t, but how did he get back to the nest? Maybe just breaking a leg would put him out of commission but not sound unrealistic.
“Or maybe you just weren’t fast enough,” Cole smirked. Again with character action vs. dialogue. Smirking is an action. How I test myself when writing is to ask—Can I smirk and talk at the same time. Maybe, but it is very difficult. Same with saying things like “Go away,” she hissed. Can’t use it because you can’t talk and hiss. I’ve tried and it won’t work.
Cole smirked. “Or maybe you just weren’t fast enough.”
“You just need to pick up the pace.” Russ patted Patch on his back tauntingly. Cole smirked.
This one allows touching on adverbs, and also separating characters from each other. I would always pick a strong verb over an adverb if given a choice. One makes the story sound passive, the other strong. Instead of tauntingly I’ll rearrange and place taunted. Next will be dropping Cole smirked down to his own line. Each character must have his or her own space (paragraph) no matter how small the part. Most readers assume new paragraph, new speaker, same paragraph, same speaker. It keeps moments of confusion from happening when the reader loses track of who is who.
“You just need to pick up the pace,” Russ taunted, patting Patch on his back.
Cole smirked.
. . .something had happened to his sister Emma. Need comma before Emma. I won’t put everyone that was missing here, but you can catch those easy enough.
It was the first time he had smiled since his sister had become sick months ago . . . (How many months. It won’t hurt to be specific.)
“Stay with me,” she coughed. (Character action. “Stay with me,” she said, coughing.)
“Alright, tell Patch I said hi,” Emma sighed. (Action. “Alright, tell Patch I said hi.” Emma sighed.
Russ was considerably further ahead of Cole . . . (Farther is used where distance is concerned. Further is more abstract and generally has to do with time. “I’ll have no further contact with him.” I’d use farther here.)
“Russ I’m willing to listen . . . “ Comma needed after Russ.
“Why have you come to me(,) Children of the Pines?” (This is like an endearment. You need to place a comma before Children of the Pines.
He scrambled down the pine limbs “Cole will you just stop.” (Missing a period after limbs. Comma needed after Cole.)
“Yes it is.” Needs a comma after yes.
“He was up in the trees, where did he go?” Two sentences spliced together with a comma. I’d make two, the second—Where did he go?”
“Tell me oh wise Sharik, why did . . . Comma needed after me. Oh wise is like part of an endearment or title. It stays with the name.
And that is about it. Like I said, I didn’t point out all places. I just hit on areas where I saw it was being repeated. I hope you find something here useful. But I enjoyed the story. I can easily visualize illustrations with it. Best of luck to you and I hope you do well in the contest. I’ll give you a vote.
Denna
