BookRix

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ITS SCARY AND FUNNY AT THE SAME TIME NOT TO MENTION GROSS

Not a bad stori, oh no! I made a mistake! Ha Ha

Hi Kaorou,

I love your opening. You voice is confident, like a true storyteller. I think your story might be a bit easier to read if you created some space between each paragraph.

Love the story idea, very Stephen Kingian.

Some editing tips below:

Pg 5: I'm not sure on your sentence meaning ...Although hidden behind the splintery main beam, Baxter already knew it wait. Also, I wonder if fold-out, is such an oft used term that it doesn't warrant the hyphen.

Pg 6: Coming around the beam, it came into view or at least its contours. You have 'coming' then 'came'. Maybe think of another word for one of those. I don't think 'silky fabric' adequately describes the 'velvet' cloth. Love the descriptive 'the colour of jaundiced eyes'. 'Six months' should be hyphenated. Numbers to their text are always hyphenated. Same with 'six years'.

Pg 7: I don't know what 'relentless in traffic' means.

Pg 8: ...until he read it's intirety... 'it's' should not have an apostrophe.

Pg 10: Should 'emit' be 'emitted'?

Pg 13: 'Bowl' legged should be 'Bow' legged.

Pg 14: Query 'ass', not sure if this is an Aussie thing, but I'd spell it 'arse'.

Pg 15: 'It wait for a story'... Should 'wait' be 'waited'?

Pg 17: 'Had he knocked it after striking the wrong key?' I think this is too obviously not the case.

Pg 19: ...against the insides of my ribcage... 'my' should be 'his'.

Pg 21: Not sure the dying in urine encrusted pants works here as if he died he'd piss himself anyway.

Pg 22: Not sure of 'cords', perhaps the full word would work better.

Pg 26: ...exploded as the body was... 'the' should be 'his'.

I loved your story idea, the plot was great, truly marvellous and so plot alone, I'll give you a vote.

Good luck in the contest.

Bek :)

the stop of the inspiration can't be that dreadfull in real life but in fiction, in this self-destroing story everitying is posibble. liked it and voted for it. maybe you do the same with my entry to the contest called "Zoon Poetikon". thanx for all and good luck!

Really creepy, horrid story. Well done!

I love it, the idea is so original
Good luck for this contest

I'm glad you enjoyed it, but you may be disappointed in the other, totally different genre. Have a couple more horrors that I need to work on before posting here, but yours and comments like yours have given me the boost of confidence to get editing!

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

A great story with lots of description. This was a masterpiece of writing. Horror at it's best got to me. I recommend this to all./joeparente

Truly grotesque. I mean that in a good way. You paint a vivid picture, well done. A couple spots where you used 'than' rather than 'then', and some typos. It might be a good idea to have someone else proofread for you as it's hard to catch one's own errors. We wouldn't want you mysteriously disappearing now, would we?