This is so deep, and really emotional. I've never put much thought into negative emotions, but the way you describe them is just beautiful. I mean it's very dark, but really compelling. Beautifully written.
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It's difficult to read this, and yet I am compelled, Jazz. It would be so cliche and nearly meaningless to say I feel these terrifying emotions that gripped you when you wrote this, but somehow, I do. We are a part of that staff that is here to hold you, dear one.
You are a profound young person. I do hope you have joy in your life.