Its good for a start, but there are many issues with it.
1. In an age full of magic, wizards, witches, and demons there were a hidden city. This should be: In an age full of magic, wizards, witches and demons there was a hidden city. The difference is between singular and plural.
2.Buildings in that city were carved in stone made of heavy, strong and durable materials only powerful beasts are able to break. This should be... Show more
Its good for a start, but there are many issues with it.
1. In an age full of magic, wizards, witches, and demons there were a hidden city. This should be: In an age full of magic, wizards, witches and demons there was a hidden city. The difference is between singular and plural.
2.Buildings in that city were carved in stone made of heavy, strong and durable materials only powerful beasts are able to break. This should be Buildings in that city were carved in stone made of heavy, strong and durable materials only powerful beasts were able to break. This time you use the wrong tense. Throughout your story you use past tense, including that sentence, but then you go and use the word are, which is present tense.
3. In that city a young traveler named Raiden has barley reached by pure luck. This sentence makes no sense to me, I must have read it 10 times.... I imagine it has something to do with you wanting to spell barely, but instead spelling barley, or maybe you wanted it to be that he came across some barley by pure chance. Please rewrite this.
4. In this world only power matters, if you are strong and clever then you can survive otherwise you will be dead living a very short life. This has 5 excess words: living a very short life. They are not needed for the sentence to work and at the end of the day just ruin the sentence. It sounds much better, so: In this world only power matters, if you are strong and clever then you can survive, otherwise you will die. Note that I also changed be dead to die.
5.The city Raiden reached was in peace. This should be The city Raiden reached was in a time of peace. Unless you wanted to say it was in pieces.
6. The gates, never the less, was not guarded, instead there was an ancient spell keeping all creatures with bad intentions away, so once you pass the gate and nothing happen it means you don't have any bad intentions and allowed to enter, otherwise the city won't exist to you, you won't be able to tell if anything there ever existed. This sentence is a mess of a run on sentence. Split it up into multiple sentences. Otherwise you made the same mistake you did before:gates, never the less, was not guarded Should be:gates, nevertheless, were not guarded.
Anyways there are plenty of other things wrong with that sentence and with the rest of the beginning of this book. BUT I don't think you should go back and read through it and fix EVERYTHING. Eventually, of course you should, but first I believe it is more important that you just continue the story and keep these rules and things in mind. As you continue try and make less mistakes. Otherwise, you can just quickly fix the mistakes that I pointed out to you.
