I actually took helluva notes of your writing and then, suddenly I go to your profile and you're 13! I mean, how many thirteen-year olds can write like that? Let's start with me telling that you have a very good imagination, and you've already started picking up the tricks of the trade. The plot was good, the twist was well delivered, and characterization efficient. Now, as I've already told you, I thought you were older than... Show more
I actually took helluva notes of your writing and then, suddenly I go to your profile and you're 13! I mean, how many thirteen-year olds can write like that? Let's start with me telling that you have a very good imagination, and you've already started picking up the tricks of the trade. The plot was good, the twist was well delivered, and characterization efficient. Now, as I've already told you, I thought you were older than thirteen and therefore I took some notes for a critique. I am still going to write them here since you can learn from them. Just take them as whispered suggestions from a fellow writer.
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When writing dialogues it's a good practice to make a separate line for new dialogue. Of course, it is but only a good practice. You can make the dialogue more lively with addition of subtle character movements as you go. Don't go for plain statements like: 'Jessica said and Alex nodded.' That sounds rushed. Maybe you can add a full stop in between, incorporate a few character strokes. Character strokes are basically movements, body language, gestures, etc of a character that you 'show' to give a lively feeling to your character. Here's an example:
‘Fine. I want the Pharaoh’s Code,’ she said.
Dante raised his eyebrows and looked at her, his gaze piercing hers.‘What’s that?’
‘I thought the punchline was - let’s stop fooling around.’ She crossed her right leg over her left and leaned forward.
You see? It's pretty easy but, as is with many other things, don't overdo it.
Again don't jump from one scene to another so fast. Alex was talking with Jesse and suddenly you show her in a meeting with her boss in the next line. Give a realistic transition from one scene to another
Prologue. Everybody loves a spicy prologue. I don't know if they do any good to short stories, but if you use a prologue keep it short. And interesting. In this case you can directly start it from the meeting where Alex's boss gives her the good news followed by her giving the news to Jesse. The first two paragraphs could have been safely deducted without any loss and with reduced redundancy.
Look out for grammar errors like 'didn't minded', and tense fluctuations like 'Mrs Gilbert is a consistent...'. You're writing in past tense for this story, so watch for such tense errors. There were a few typos, which are basically nothing harmful.
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But I'll stop here because you deserve applause for this great story. You have the imagination that many desire. So don't worry much, keep writing.
~Prakash
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