BookRix

Now don't tell me you wrote it blind, no idea where you were going with it. You have written the dream opening capturing the attention of the most obtuse reader but you've left us hanging. Please do something with it, it's fantastic. Tell us the story, PLEASE.

Oh come on! Please update the book..

Really great so far! Please finish.

Interesting.... waiting eagerly for finished story...

Plz finish it!!!!! Plz!

That is what every author wants to create to draw in an audience...and you did it! This is going to be a great story once you have finished it. I recommend you add more spacing to make it easier to read. I am thinking this is your first draft as there are some obvious needs.

1. Head Hopping, I know this is a hard lesson, I too had to learn it. You start with Abby, then jump to the emergency operator's view, then to the police officer's.

You need to transition a little better, you can do this by ending the paragraph and starting another by stating who is talking First. You can also declare a separation by using a 'marker' like the astrix. (***)

Or you can create a new sub chapter.

2. A few minor typing errors. Read your paragraph two or three times, then slowly out loud. If you need to draw a breath, put in a comma or other punctuation.

3. Finish this story, it is begging to be written!

Would you consider following this thread and give my review a rating of 1-5 for helpfulness to you as the author. Thank you.

http://www.bookrix.com/_group-en-learning-to-write-better-101

All my best,

Gwen

Yes, you did well "attempting" to write in 1st pov. It isn't too hard when you get used to it, and you seem used to it already.

You have a very intriguing hook with a high degree of tension "shown" immediately. You know the value of that. I also like your small details, vis a vis the weather; the physical descriptions of the characters. These kinds of things draw me in closer to the storyline.
Good job. Stay in first with this one; you're doing great!

I like it so far :) i think of an idea for a name could b "When the killer comes knocking."
any good????? ryt mre, lemme no wen u update, n i better b 1st 2no XD or il call the police....and tht will not end well......O-o
XD

You pull the reader in immediately and make your characters instantly likeable. What a great way to start! You've also introduced a wonderful degree of suspense, mixing the tragedy of a crime with personal drama in a a very balanced blend.

Writing in first person is, as you say, a challenge, but you seem to have done pretty well so far (better than I could have done). A few minor typos as I'm sure you figured, but nothing major, all of it easily fixed.

I really hope you keep this going. It sounds like you've already got the plot worked out. Can't wait to see where you take this. Great job!