BookRix

Perhaps history repeats so is my story and love with all old and gold friends of Book rix..pl ahare me at ...ashokaatreya2o11@gmail.com
also at eternity11international.com
and facebook...alaelephantfoot....thanks.

Dear friend'
The countdown in the 'Book Rix contest' is very close to all of us.I request all my friends to vote and support my novel'All the beautiful daughters of Mara'for this.I am also going to vote in favour of your book.
Ashok Aatreya

Hi Ashoka,

I wish I could read your whole story but it will be impossible at the moment, in between studies, writing and family.

But I'll take a look at a bit and give you some feedback.

I think your have an interesting story line so far. Your prose do not appear repetitive or redundant early on. Your opening is full of backstory and I'm wondering if parts of that could be shown in action rather than exposition.

Pg 7: Probably that must have been the reason of his induction in the ministry... I think 'probably that must have been' feels non committal and I wonder if the sentence could be shortened. Also 'of' should be 'for'.

By page 7 I've already forgotten your protag's name. I think mix the pronouns up a bit ensuring to use his name still here and there.

Pg 8: He foretold the events that will transform Anand's life for ever... 'will' should be 'would'.

Pg 8: 'Jailer' should not have a capital letter. Only if you called him 'Jailer' without the definite article 'the' could you get away with the capital letter.

Pg 8: Can a face 'emit' grace?

I have not been able to get through very much of your story but I think that you should recheck your tense and look at 'showing' a bit more that 'telling' with your backstory and other exposition.

Bek :)

The golden rule... show, don't tell. You have some great dramatic potential here, but why just 'tell' people about Anand's trial and arrest? Wouldn't a more poignant place to start the book be, say, the moment that the Judge tells Anand he is guilty and will be going to jail? I'd like to be immersed into the scenes, but as it is, you are just telling us what happened to him before.
I like to think of it as babying my readers. I lure them along with pure action and about 10% backstory up until the first 20 or 30 pages, and then I slowly start introducing backstory, etc. Think of it as putting a sugar-coating on your story so that it goes down easier, and then your Reader will get the delicious nutrients that this story has into their system.

I found your explanation of Indian society very interesting although convoluted. It might be better if all the information you presented prior to the real action and event starting with the guru meeting might be better presented as a newspaper article about your character as if he were reading it in jail. It would give more presence and immediacy in time to connect thought to event to action when the guru arrives. IT would also streamline your information done into a profile piece in newspaper format to hook the reader's attention. Otherwise I think you have a very interesting portrayal of your world worth reading about.

I haven't read your book yet but I want to invite you to join Learning to Write 101 and a new group - Query Me This!. Both groups will give you insight as to how to improve your writing. The newer group is also a forum for all writers to present their writing for contests and just in general. It is all geared to learning how to promote a professional presentation. IF you have any groups you are running let me know and I will check them out.

Wonderful and refreshing....Captivating too. Keep it up! Congrats

I read the first 30 or so pages of your novel, All the Beautiful Daughters of Mara, and I found them to be well written, clearly written, and charmingly descriptive, but I wasn't captivated. While you follow perfectly every rule of grammar and description, the story flows in such a straight-forward manner that I felt I couldn't immerse myself in it. I think, that to make the novel more engrossing, you might want to try a technique slightly more subtle that's more rooted in describing one particular moment than each action as a relation to the whole. There are two sides to story-telling - what you say and what your readers hear. It's important to cater to them so they'll want to know the end of your story. You might know that as it goes on it picks up, but they don't. To grab someone, you need to start in an interesting way, a way that raises questions and intrigue.

I really did enjoy it though. :)
Sarah